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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked my son not to go out tonight

50 replies

mintil · 30/07/2021 15:37

I'm new here but I've been lurking for a while

My son is 20, before lockdown last year he would go out about 2 weekends a month with a group of friends. But when pubs opened in April he started drinking every weekend and getting very drunk. He now drinks almost every night, he's lost his job as he rarely turned up as he was hungover, his girlfriend split up with him but he doesn't seem bothered. He now takes my money regularly to buy alcohol.

Today I asked him not to go out tonight as it's my birthday and we haven't spent time together for a while, he hasn't got me a card or said happy birthday. But he refused and told me to stop trying to control his life.

Aibu to have asked?

OP posts:
BonesJones · 30/07/2021 15:39

When you say 'takes my money', do you mean he's stealing from you?

BonesJones · 30/07/2021 15:40

Happy Birthday Flowers

grapewine · 30/07/2021 15:43

If "takes my money" means what I think it does, you have bigger issues.

But on the face of it: no, you are not unreasonable to have asked. He's an adult so you can't make him stay in, but he does seem a bit selfish - at the very least.

grapewine · 30/07/2021 15:43

Yes, happy birthday!

DroopyClematis · 30/07/2021 15:43

Does he take your money after you've offered it or does he steal it?

If you're offering money then you need to stop.

DufferMum · 30/07/2021 15:44

Stop giving him money for a start. You shouldn’t be enabling this behaviour.
If he’s stealing then you need to be encouraging him to find somewhere else to live.

Shoxfordian · 30/07/2021 15:47

Does he steal from you? Cut him off financially

toolazytothinkofausername · 30/07/2021 15:50

I'm not surprised after what young people have been through over the last year it has led to situations like this.

Would his ex be willing to come back to help with an intervention?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2021 15:50

He steals from you or otherwise coerces you in financing his lifestyle. You have bigger issues than whether he's here for dinner.

pinkyredrose · 30/07/2021 15:52

I think it's time for him to move out.

chunderwunder · 30/07/2021 15:52

You can't expect him to stay in and celebrate your birthday. You can expect him not to steal from you.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 15:53

Sounds like he's developed an alcohol issue, losing his job/his g/f and stealing from you? I'd be telling him he needs to sort himself out or leave tbh

coodawoodashooda · 30/07/2021 15:53

However hes taking his money. You need to make it stop.

isitsummertimeyet · 30/07/2021 15:58

what does his Dad say about this

How is he taking your money?

Original poster
mintil · 30/07/2021 16:19

He asks for money, and when I say no he looks for it and if he finds some he goes out but if he doesn't he stays in his room.

His father isn't in his life, and he hasn't been since son was a baby, so I've brought him up alone.

OP posts:
starrynight87 · 30/07/2021 16:39

I'm sorry OP, this sounds very hard. He needs a wake-up call.

Happy Birthday xx

SleepingStandingUp · 30/07/2021 16:46

You need to start hiding your money.

Whats the consequences if she steals from you?

Mintjulia · 30/07/2021 16:53

Lock your money away somewhere. If he has no cash, he won't be able to go to the pub, and he might be motivated to go and earn some for himself.

Happy Birthday. Perhaps you should treat both of you to a decent takeaway.

Original poster
mintil · 30/07/2021 17:02

I do hide it, but he sometimes finds it and takes it. I don't give him any consequences as I don't want us to be even more distant. I also don't want to kick him out as he won't be that bothered as he wasn't when he lost his job or when his girlfriend split up with him.

I'm just so fed up

OP posts:
Mamamamasaurus · 30/07/2021 17:07

If there are no consequences for him stealing from you, why would he stop?

I'm sorry, and I sympathise, but he needs a kick up the arse, and you too to some degree. This isn't helping him, you're enabling him. He needs to sort himself out and he won't if this malarkey continues.

You say you don't want to push him away, but what do you think will happen if he carries on drinking himself into oblivion without any ramifications? Who will fund him when the bank of mum runs dry?

lazylinguist · 30/07/2021 17:08

If he faces no consequences for behaving like this, then he's not going to stop. Are you also housing him and feeding him for free, doing his washing etc? Is he contributing to the housework etc? Cooking? It sounds like he is absolutely taking the piss. He needs to shape up or be told to move out!

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 17:09

This is a sad thread.

It's your birthday and what's uppermost on your mind is worry about your (young) adult son.

It would be so nice if he could do the decent thing and celebrate with you but this sounds unlikely.

Is there anything you would enjoy that wouldn't involve your son? Just thinking that it might be wise to put off the money/drinking problem for today, accept where he's at and try to still do something nice for yourself.

Going forward you need a plan. No money or cashcards where he can find them.

He sounds unhappy, on self destruct and I'm not sure what to suggest other than being very straight with him, telling him you love him, you're worried because he's lost his job and his relationship has ended, you won't be funding his drinking but you will definitely support him in any way you can to get the help he needs. He's so young, there's time and hope though I appreciate it may feel extremely difficult.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2021 17:09

He now takes my money regularly to buy alcohol.

Well fuck that, for a start.

Is he stealing from you?

Do not give him any money.

His girlfriend has left him.

He's lost his job.

Stop enabling him. And you are enabling him.

Cut off the funds, tell him it's time for him to get a job and move out and ask him to see his GP. Be a parent. FFS.

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 17:10

If conversations go badly, you could write him a letter.

grapewine · 30/07/2021 17:38

Well, he isn't going to stop if there are no consequences.

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