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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have asked my son not to go out tonight

50 replies

mintil · 30/07/2021 15:37

I'm new here but I've been lurking for a while

My son is 20, before lockdown last year he would go out about 2 weekends a month with a group of friends. But when pubs opened in April he started drinking every weekend and getting very drunk. He now drinks almost every night, he's lost his job as he rarely turned up as he was hungover, his girlfriend split up with him but he doesn't seem bothered. He now takes my money regularly to buy alcohol.

Today I asked him not to go out tonight as it's my birthday and we haven't spent time together for a while, he hasn't got me a card or said happy birthday. But he refused and told me to stop trying to control his life.

Aibu to have asked?

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 30/07/2021 17:41

No consequence to him stealing your money?! Why?

My money is in my purse and I would keep my purse on me if I knew someone in my house was likely to steal from me. I just can’t imagine a situation where this would happen though? OP-this can’t continue.

icedcoffees · 30/07/2021 17:42

He's a thief.

I would be kicking him out, not asking him to celebrate my birthday with me.

I'm sorry.

Happy birthday, btw. Don't let him ruin it for you

plodalong12 · 30/07/2021 17:43

@mintil

I do hide it, but he sometimes finds it and takes it. I don't give him any consequences as I don't want us to be even more distant. I also don't want to kick him out as he won't be that bothered as he wasn't when he lost his job or when his girlfriend split up with him.

I'm just so fed up

Okay, well see you on 30th July 2022 for your next update then when absolutely nothing has changed.

Sorry to be blunt OP, but if there’s no consequence then there’s no change and you’ll still be fed up in a years time.

TheGumption · 30/07/2021 17:46

*Okay, well see you on 30th July 2022 for your next update then when absolutely nothing has changed.

Sorry to be blunt OP, but if there’s no consequence then there’s no change and you’ll still be fed up in a years time.*

This. You need to get fed up enough to actually do something. Currently you're as apathetic as he is.

Mintjulia · 30/07/2021 17:49

OP, you need to take a stand.

You aren't helping him, or yourself. And yes it can be hard because you love him and you're lonely, but you really do need to stop.

AddressLabel · 30/07/2021 18:43

Is he an alcoholic? Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom to realise they have a problem.
With the stealing, I’d kick his arse out. Might be the wake up call he needs to sort his shit out.

Original poster

mintil · 30/07/2021 19:32

No, he doesn't cook or do housework. Every time I try to speak to him, he isn't interested. I know I let him get away with things but I'm worried about him, he gets up late as he's hungover, he then spends the Day in his room, he doesn't eat much except a few slices of toast, he then goes out but I don't think he's always out with friends as they all work.

OP posts:

Bettysnow · 30/07/2021 20:04

Is he your only child op? If he is and its only ever been you and him i can understand how sad you feel and your reluctance to tell him to move out.
The sense of loneliness in your post stands out to me the most and i think you need to start refocusing on yourself and less on your sons problems. Easy to say though and very hard to do especially when your a mother who is worried sick about her child.
Is there anyone else he would listen to? Someone he could talk to? I'm saying this as i have lost count of the number of times ive got the eye roll and silence when trying my best to advise my own kids.
He can't keep taking your money. This is a step too far and needs to stop. Don't keep money in the house and if you do keep it in your pocket.
Reach out to al anon they are a branch of alcoholics anonymous which provides help and support for families of someone who has problems with alcohol. They have meetings you could attend which would really help you get the support that you need. Happy Birthday

FeatheredHope · 30/07/2021 20:08

I don't give him any consequences as I don't want us to be even more distant.

Well that would be why there are issues and your other posts sound like you let him walk all over you.
If you don’t teach your kids to take responsibility for things and teach them that actions have consequences, it’s not a surprise that they take the piss.

CutePanda · 30/07/2021 20:18

He sounds depressed due to his excessive drinking, mood swings and not eating enough food. He needs to seek help for his alcoholism and find the root cause for it. Addicts have the compulsion to drink alcohol everyday and steal.

newnortherner111 · 30/07/2021 20:56

I realise this is blunt, but what you describe to me is alcoholism. As mentioned above, help is needed, not enablement in any way, however sought that is.

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/07/2021 21:16

@Bettysnow

Is he your only child op? If he is and its only ever been you and him i can understand how sad you feel and your reluctance to tell him to move out. The sense of loneliness in your post stands out to me the most and i think you need to start refocusing on yourself and less on your sons problems. Easy to say though and very hard to do especially when your a mother who is worried sick about her child. Is there anyone else he would listen to? Someone he could talk to? I'm saying this as i have lost count of the number of times ive got the eye roll and silence when trying my best to advise my own kids. He can't keep taking your money. This is a step too far and needs to stop. Don't keep money in the house and if you do keep it in your pocket. Reach out to al anon they are a branch of alcoholics anonymous which provides help and support for families of someone who has problems with alcohol. They have meetings you could attend which would really help you get the support that you need. Happy Birthday

That's a lovely post and good advice

Original poster

mintil · 31/07/2021 10:25

Yes, he's my only child. I will talk to him later.

I don't let him walk all over me but I don't want to give him consequences for stealing as our relationship already isn't good.

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 31/07/2021 10:51

I would contact al anon for advice and stop keeping cash in the house I understand you don’t want to damage your relationship but at the same time he can’t keep stealing from you

tttigress · 31/07/2021 10:57

Another negative effect of lockdowns, in a few years we will realise the mental health crisis lockdowns have caused.

Anniissa · 31/07/2021 11:00

You are not helping yourself by not giving him any consequences for his behaviour but far more importantly you are not doing him any favours by enabling him to behave like this. You cannot continue to let him do this. Yes it might make your relationship worse but if he’s allowed to continue like this it will probably get worse anyway.

HappyintheHills · 31/07/2021 11:03

Not giving him consequences for stealing is letting him walk over you.
He is an alcoholic.
He will not recover unless and until he wants to.
He needs to hit rock bottom before he will decide he wants to recover.

casualnamechange · 31/07/2021 11:17

To be honest your relationship is probably poor partially because you don’t give him any consequences. He doesn’t respect you. You can’t expect things to change if he has absolutely no incentive to do so and a mother who enables his unhealthy choices, even if it comes from a place of love.

Mamamamasaurus · 31/07/2021 11:28

@mintil

Yes, he's my only child. I will talk to him later.

I don't let him walk all over me but I don't want to give him consequences for stealing as our relationship already isn't good.

So..... You won't be stepping up, instilling boundaries and making him grow the fuck up? Cool. Let us know how that shitshow pans out.

You need to parent him and actually make him act like an adult. You aren't now, and probably haven't been for long enough. I'll await your update with baited breath but I'm sure it'll be "I told him but he didn't listen and now he's out robbing old ladies for his next fix, I just don't know where it went wrong!". When in reality, he needed a short, sharp shock into reality and although it was your responsibility, you neglected to do just that.

Notebooksarefabulous · 31/07/2021 11:39

So your relationship isnt good............ how is not giving him any consequences helping?

My son is a similar age. He behaved appallingly to me last night. He is now experiencing the consequences of his actions. Yes he isnt delighted but Im not prepared to be walked all over.

I agree with what Plodalong said.

If you continue as you are you will be here in a years time saying exactly the same. Or worse. Take a stand and in time.......... things will improve.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 31/07/2021 11:40

@mintil

Yes, he's my only child. I will talk to him later.

I don't let him walk all over me but I don't want to give him consequences for stealing as our relationship already isn't good.

How did your birthday go???

Original poster

mintil · 31/07/2021 12:59

I don't give him any money, he finds it but I won't have any in the house from now on. Last night, he didn't go out as he couldn't find any money, we did watch a film together (which he wasn't happy about).

OP posts:

catfunk · 31/07/2021 13:05

Never mind being a selfish shit - He searches for your money if you say no??? What did I just read?

I'd be kicking him out OP, that is completely unacceptable.
If he wants money to go out he needs to get a job and hang onto it.

yeOldeTrout · 31/07/2021 13:08

You're describing a coercive relationship, OP.

Mamamamasaurus · 31/07/2021 20:03

@mintil

Still not doing any actual parenting then

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