Women are finding men WFH harder?

[Maybeitstime2021]

From a few threads on here over the past few months.

I’m in the opposite position, OH key worker so has been going to work normally and I WFH, I don’t expect him to act any differently than if I wasn’t here when he is off work, he hasn’t told me he can’t relax when I’m here.

I know there’s the additional factor that the childcare defaults to the mother but taking that out of the equation, what are people’s thoughts?

If you have a dickhead man who demands a silent room, or takes over half the house, and insists his children are muted and banished from his sight, and deems any woman's work to be trivial nonsense she should jettison for his comfort... then yeah, it's probably going to suck.

(and we see so many of these.)

If you have a perfectly normal man who does not do these things, it's quite nice, peaceful, balanced and great for concentration.

@LuxOlente I agree, there seem to be many of them.

Do you think WFH will end a lot of relationships?

I think it depends on so many factors. I'm late 20s, my husband and I work in the same industry so actually works well us sharing an office to bounce thoughts off each other. I love working from home because I have no commute, can go to the gym on my lunch break, empty dishwasher etc. when it needs done. I do miss my friends at work but none of us were in the same team so only met at lunch time which why have recreated by meeting for a lunchtime walk.

*we have

I don’t think it’s the case in my household or for many of my friends. Although I suppose if the men shirked parenting and household duties before the pandemic, that’s unlikely to change.

My dh is working from home two days a week now. It is great. He always has dinner ready when we get home and does the clothes washing on those days. Im off work now for summer and he is still making the dinner and lunch on his wfh days.

I'm in the same situation as you OP and have been for 10 years

I have always worked in a corner of our bedroom and use headphones. DH and DS can pretty much get on as normal, ok no super loud music but otherwise normal

What I see in real life and MN is a lot of men insisting on working in common areas, insisting on quiet, not caring about anyone else. So I think you're right

DH works from home and I love having him here. On the days I go out to work I don't have to worry about getting the kids breakfast, getting them ready etc and it means we have the evenings together instead of him being stuck on the motorway and rarely getting back before the kids bedtime as was the case when he was in the office. But then he's not a narcissistic twat who thinks we should all tip-toe around the house because he's working. He understands that this is our family home first and foremost.

It’s impossible to say.

I have found it has its own set of advantages and difficulties for both parties.

It certainly means DP doesn’t have to set off as early (or at all) so he sometimes has ds for a couple of hours in the morning to let me catch up on sleep if we’ve had a bad night. This has also saved some money although he does get his expenses paid when he goes into the office anyway, bur of course he’s been paid more in terms of time.

The main downsides for me as a new mum on maternity leave is that I find it quite difficult to just totally relax with baby ds. I’m not grumbling about dp personally at all but today is a good example: horrible weather, bad night, yet I still feel pressured to go out. It wasn’t so bad in term time as baby classes and groups were on but now I am struggling a bit with how to fill the day.

I also would like to have friends visit during the day and can’t really do that.

From a relationship perspective I do feel it has been detrimental. DP has gained weight and in all honesty has got a bit lazy, and I’m also finding it increasingly hard to know what to talk to him about as he never goes anywhere or sees anybody!

I’m sure it is just a temporary situation but I think if we have another baby I am going to request he works in the office for at least two days a week.

I am set up in the corner of our bedroom. I don't really expect anyone to do anything different. Apart from not come screaming into my room when I am on a call.

Dp works outside the home, but less hours.

There does seem to be am issue that women seem to want their house back. Which I get too. In some cases the men seem to think they have more rights over the whole house as they are working.

But in some cases I do think the women just miss having the house to themselves. Which I also get, but isn't really a reason for people to go back.

Dp really likes me being at home. We see eachother far more. Can have lunch on his days off or a coffee mid morning.

I usually work hybrid but have obviously not been in the office at recently. Don't think I will go back to, going back to the office for the sake of it and will only go in when I need to.

I really really dislike DH wfh

Im a SAHP, DH worked upstairs. If i needed something from there, i was quiet and didn't interupt unnecessarily. If he could hear the kids screaming, he didn't comment. He was downstairs earlier as no commute and Parented immediately. No issues.

But im not sure with some posters if their partners are genuinely spreading themselves across the house and demanding silence and servitude or if posters feel uncomfortable relaxing at home knowing he might pop down stairs and see them even though he wouldn't comment

I wfh full time and dh is teaching so he is home all holidays, is home from 4pm every day.

I have a designated room to work alone out of, and they just crack on. He offers me lunch when he is making for him and the kids which I sometimes take him up on.

I also let him know if I have any slack that he can use to go out and have some time to himself - the kids are old enough that they can amuse themselves for am hour or two while I do the non-challenging items on my to do list.

I dont take over any communal spaces, O dont have booming calls, and I wouldnt dream of asking them to be quiet - I just put headphones on if the noise is too distracting.

I think too many people - men and women - are unwilling to compromise.

No one should be taking up space unnecessarily, or demanding silence for 8 hours. However, an expectation that whoever isn't working can keep the kids quiet if they're on a call, be prepared to offer privacy occasionally and to not allow the kids to interrupt someone's workday constantly isn't unfair.

I also think some people need to realise that they don't have a right to have the house to themselves all the time, and need to accept both the pros and cons of working from home, instead of not being prepared to change their ways at all.

It irritates me on here when the partner who doesn't work insists that the other partner should be returning to their four hour daily commute, just so that they can have their mates round for coffee every lunchtime.

@Comedycook

I really really dislike DH wfh

Why?

Although I think a lot of it is about respect. When I was a kid my dad would work night shifts. If we were in the house we'd be quiet as he was in bed.

He didn't demand us to be quiet, but we were simply out of respect. We understood he was working, needed sleep and made some compromises as kids to allow this.

Some people on here it seems wouldn't show that respect, which I think is sad.

Well, that’s me, although I’m not insisting. The problem is the alternative is that I don’t see them. So once a week, is that really unreasonable?

What about school aged children, can they have friends round?

It’s fair enough to say ‘we can’t do that on Mondays or Thursdays as Dad is WFH’ but to never be able to do it can be quite isolating and has made me feel quite low sometimes.

@DrSbaitso. I prefer my own space during the day. I dislike trying to keep the children quiet so as not to disturb him. I used to look forward to him coming home at the end of the day...now we're always together. I'm an introvert too

I don’t get the not having friends round thing either - 2 adults having a coffee? In the office there are 60+ adults working/having a chat/a coffee.

Too often on here I see women who have young children but whose Dh is WFH and expects total silence and/or is making loud conference calls from communal spaces.

Having said that, when I'm working from home I do feel for DH (he works part time and is primary carer for school age DC) as I know he feels bad if he's sitting on the couch watching movie or something. He knows I don't care. I know I don't care. But it's this weird irrational feeling. It's the same as if I'm taking a little break and reading while I eat lunch and he comes home from work I feel guilty. I know he doesn't think it's a problem, it's all in my head.

Plus I definitely feel less free when he's here all the time and vice versa.

My point is that we are flexible, kind and considerate and it still sometimes feels a bit odd. So I totally get that if you have a partner who is not kind, flexible or considerate.... it might be a disaster.

Sorry above comment was to @Snoozer11

I dislike it. I can’t speak for @Comedycook but I don’t like feeling constantly observed.

I certainly don’t mind a few days a week but I would like a couple of days ‘off’ a week as it were.

I dislike dh wfh too. We don't have a study so he's on the kitchen or lounge. He is so LOUD on the video calls I can hear him everywhere. I imagine if you have a huge house it would be somewhat easier.

Do you I think there are men with the same problems of feeling constantly observed and that their wives are too loud on calls? I can’t imagine it.

The friends thing is because unless you have a very large house it’s possible for both parties to be heard. I have a relative who I find very difficult to persuade to visit because DP is always here - they like one another but relative is having a hard time and doesn’t want to talk about his problems with DP listening. I get that, even though DP isn’t listening. Also things like walking in and out of the kitchen. Everyone’s setup is different but if you have a DP in a communal area friends visiting is off.

And I appreciate that’s probably the same for night shift workers.

I am pretty sure I’ve had PND but felt pressured to exclaim I was fine when the HV did her check as DP was hovering around so couldn’t be honest.

I’m not blaming him, no one predicted a pandemic but I am entitled to feel as I do about it.

@Sunshineaftermorningrain I really feel do you it must be such a difficult time to have a baby.