Women are finding men WFH harder?

[Maybeitstime2021]

From a few threads on here over the past few months.

I’m in the opposite position, OH key worker so has been going to work normally and I WFH, I don’t expect him to act any differently than if I wasn’t here when he is off work, he hasn’t told me he can’t relax when I’m here.

I know there’s the additional factor that the childcare defaults to the mother but taking that out of the equation, what are people’s thoughts?

It is interesting OP. I'm the same as you. DH works outside the home. I WFH. When I first started WFH, DH was a bit worried about being able to relax at home but on the whole it's been fine. I have a dedicated space to work at home, in the box bedroom. Everyone else can carry on as normal. I don't insist on silence. I don't have endless meetings or work calls and my work are generally quite flexible about kids being home in the back ground etc. I'm not sitting in the living room demanding silence like some DH.

On the other hand, I do get annoyed when I see women on here expecting their DHs to do house work, give the kids lunch, run them to the shop etc while WFH. That's not on. I'm working. I don't expect to be bothered by the kids or DH. I leave them alone, they leave me alone. They know if they need something, they go to dad if I'm working.

It’s interesting as DP would say the same, that he doesn’t demand silence and no one minds baby noise and to just carry on as normal but it’s easier said than done, tbh.

I've loved having DP at home, we have lunch together, I can nip out quickly when my youngest is napping without the "getting a child out of the house" fiasco. No commuting costs or delays etc. Its great! I feel we are much closer after all this and I dread him going back to the office.

I find it strange with all of the problems people are having with WFH because most of them hadn't occurred to me, but it's definitely from a place of privilege - there's two of us in a four bed house and we have a study (and no kids!), so generally apart from lunch time we're in our own rooms working, can't hear each other on work calls. Occasionally we'll pop in to offer each other cups of coffee or ask a software question but that's it! I'd never WFH before March 2020, but DP had when not travelling so was more used to it. I think if we had to share a room or a communal house space to work (e.g living room or dining table) it'd definitely get hard very quickly! I would love to be back in the office a few days a week, but I don't miss the commute at all.

See I live in a small 3 bed terrace, old style with downstairs bathroom.

When dp has friends over I can sometimes, here laughing. Or the sound of voices. But not what anyone is saying.

His sister visited last week and I didn't even know she was there. Even though I am the room above. So it will depend on the house itself I suppose.

@Serenissima21

I dislike dh wfh too. We don't have a study so he's on the kitchen or lounge. He is so LOUD on the video calls I can hear him everywhere. I imagine if you have a huge house it would be somewhat easier.

This would annoy the fuck out of me. Cant he work from the bedroom?

Both DH and I are working from home. He’s moving to a hybrid system over the next few months and I’ll be going on maternity leave at the end of the year, so my answer might change.

However, for us there are calls which we both ideally need silence and calls where it’s fine that life is happening around you. We have two dogs, so we don’t always get silence and don’t expect the dogs to be silent all the time. I work in the living room but the living room is big and I’m in an area separate from the sofa and TV. DH is in the study, just off the living room but can close the door. I prefer the light in the living room and not feeling as crammed in. For those few calls when one of us needs silence (I had an interview, I gave a presentation to the board, DH was going over something technical with an arsey client), then whoever needs the silence will go in the study and close the door. I’ve had days off and he’s been working, he’s had days off and I’ve been working - so again the working person goes into the study and the non-working person goes about their business as they would.

This would annoy the fuck out of me. Cant he work from the bedroom?
He could but there's not enough room for a desk plus it wouldn't help. We live in a flat so all the rooms are pretty close to each other.

there's two of us in a four bed house and we have a study (and no kids!)
This makes ALL the difference! We're in a flat and when the schools were shut there were five of us. Plus I'm in Italy and in our first lockdown we literally weren't allowed out. We got through it but I still feel quite panicky thinking back to that time now - and I know families with only one bedroom so we were comparatively much better off.

On the other hand, I do get annoyed when I see women on here expecting their DHs to do house work, give the kids lunch, run them to the shop etc while WFH. That's not on.

What? You mean like lots of men expect their DW to do on a daily basis?

WFH is only good if it suits the family and the household. Space, age of children and commitments all need to be taken into account. As do the temperaments of the people in the home.

There is never going to be a 'one size fits all' solution. Not wanting a partner to be at home 24/7 doesn't mean you have a crap marriage or that you don't like/respect each other. It means it doesn't work for you or that you haven't found the right balance yet.

Even if you do have plenty of space and children who don't need 'looking after' there will be some adjustments needed and time to get used to the change.

DH retired 3yrs ago having worked 6am-6pm most days for the past 40yrs. I've almost retired after WFH for the past 21yrs. Having us both in the house 24/7 has been challenging to say the least. We definitely hadn't planned to be together this much when we took retirement. We are almost there, we rub along nicely for the most part but it's not been without a few niggles along the way. I get very irritated for instance, that I'm asked 20 times a day if I want coffee. He gets irritated if I'm reading and don't always hear him (or want to) when he natters on about something. I hate the TV being on constantly, he feels judged if I mention it. They are small things but enough to make the adjustment tricky at times.

But, I'm thankful we have enough space, our boys are self sufficient and are at Uni and that DH can get out to birdwatch or take photographs on a regular basis. Otherwise we would kill each other, which would be a real shame after 45yrs of marriage.

And yes, I feel far more relaxed when I'm home alone, as I'm sure he does too. That does not mean we hate each other.

What I don't understand is why, when we both WFH his lunch hour is spent eating and watching TV, mine is unloading/reloading dishwasher, putting washing on, hanging it out. Before work, I do washing and housework, he does his exercise, After work I do tea and tidy up, he does exercise. But apparently we do the same amount of housework. Contemplating spending my free time building a patio.

@stillcrazyafterall

What I don't understand is why, when we both WFH his lunch hour is spent eating and watching TV, mine is unloading/reloading dishwasher, putting washing on, hanging it out. Before work, I do washing and housework, he does his exercise, After work I do tea and tidy up, he does exercise. But apparently we do the same amount of housework. Contemplating spending my free time building a patio.

Draw his attention to it while you're doing it, and ask him to do something similar when he's on his break or out of working hours.