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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about a Y7 mums' meetup

88 replies

TheLasrStraw · 30/07/2021 13:51

It's in a bar and my hearing is rubbish. My daughter wants me to attend so she gets invited to stuff.

What are your tips for a successful evening?

They don't need to be my BFF, and I'm working on being less easily slighted.

I just want to come away with them thinking I was alright.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 31/07/2021 08:55

@FedNlanders

Best thing about secondary is not having to be friends with other mums!

Absolutely this.

I've never heard of a Year 7 parents meet-up. I've had three children go through two different secondary schools and never had one. Sounds hideous and I wouldn't be going. I met the parents of my DDs' secondary school friends gradually whenever I was dropping them off for something or collecting them.

reluctantbrit · 31/07/2021 09:14

DD made her own friends and I do know one mum but only as she had a hard time letting go and also because we drop off and collect due to them living a bit too far for walking in the evening.

Calm your DD down, nobody wants to have the parents hanging around anymore.

seashells11 · 31/07/2021 09:37

So glad my kids are all grown up. I'd have hated that. The stress of it all.

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 09:38

@FedNlanders

Best thing about secondary is not having to be friends with other mums!

why?

Why the automatic hatred for someone just because they happened to pop up a child the same year that you did?

I don't get the MN superiority smugness against other parents.
You all live in the same area, so you have something in common. In many places, you also roughly are in the same financial bracket. A lot of your life is around kids of the same age, so you juggle work and life around the same kids.

Most people wouldn't decide to hate on sight or refuse to say a word with work colleagues

School is just another way to meet people surely? What's the worst that happens, you make friend with 1 or 2 people?

Snoopsnoggysnog · 31/07/2021 09:50

@MissyB1

It’s not about becoming best buddies with the other mums. For me it’s about putting faces to names (kids and parents). I’m going to hear ds talking about some of these kids, it helps to know a bit about who he is buddying up with, it’s an advantage to have met their parents, and maybe exchanged contact details. I’m not looking for new friends, but it doesn’t hurt to know who is who.

I agree with this completely, I don’t get the MN attitude of “that’s hideous” “I thought all that shit ended with primary school”. There’s a weird competitive behaviour on here about not engaging with other school parents. Perhaps you all have such busy social lives and the school parents are beneath you? No ones asking you to be best mates but as PP says why wouldn’t you want to know a tiny bit about who your DC are hanging around with?

For what it’s worth my DD is also starting year 7 and we were asked if we wanted to give permission to share our email address. Everyone who said yes was send a list of all the parents and email addresses and phone numbers. One mum has set up a WhatsApp group, which I’m fine with.

Another has set up a smaller group and is organising a meet up, which I’m also fine with if we can make it.
My DD met 2 girls on the induction day who she’s been chatting to online. So it’s not like she needs me to make friends for her but I see nothing wrong with getting to know some other parents a bit.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 31/07/2021 09:50

Cross post with @eightyfourandahalf

SoupDragon · 31/07/2021 10:15

I don't get all the "horror" at this either. We did parents' nights out in
Y7 and not since. It meant I could put faces to names and would have people I recognised/knew to chat to at seriously dull school events.

The only time I've had a hand in my DD's social life is when it's a party that she needed a lift to or something with complicated arrangements.

It's not like primary when you spent a lot of time in the parents company whilst hanging round at the school gates. I'm still friends with a few people I met when my eldest started primary in 2003!

SoupDragon · 31/07/2021 10:16

(I don't expect any of the brief acquaintances from Secondary to be there beyond the day DD leaves)

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/07/2021 10:17

Never my cup of tea. The kids made friends just fine 🤷‍♀️

cansu · 31/07/2021 10:21

This is a complete waste of time. It is entirely for women who can't cope with losing the school gate social life. It will not last. Kids in Y7 make their own social lives. They will not be making playdates based on the mums their kids like. I would probably make a polite excuse. I would also not want anyone making judgements on my child based on whether they like me! I wouldn't allow this to even be possible hence not attending.

reluctantbrit · 31/07/2021 10:23

@eightyfourandahalf - in secondary school you never meet another parent unless you bump into one at parent evening once a year. I think we nodded to one other parent at a music performance but only because both girls are in the choir.

Even if you would drop off or collect you would wait in the car, not at the school gate.

Unless your child has a friend who are joined at the hip outside school or you carshare for a hobby I doubt you will even know the surname of lots of their friends.

Canigooutyet · 31/07/2021 10:25

We were able to put names to faces through things like the schools open evenings and parent evenings. Aside from this year and last year all these have been. Held in the school hall not in individual class rooms like in primary.

And as pp have pointed out, secondary the best thing is that they make their own friends without parent involvement.

All the secondary schools mine went to first week back and there was an parents evening event in the school welcoming all the new starters a d their families. All arranged either after 6pm until 9 or at the weekend depending on feedback from families.

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:30

reluctantbrit

Well yes, that's the point of meeting up at some point at least once or twice.

Our local secondary (same for primary) hasn't got the budget to provide transport to any sport competition, even the ones held during the school day.

If nothing else, knowing a few parents to share lift is a huge help.

or you carshare for a hobby
I have a full time job and other children, i know it's hard to understand for someone people that some parents like me are busy, but sharing things actually help.

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:31

Unless your child has a friend who are joined at the hip outside school or you carshare for a hobby I doubt you will even know the surname of lots of their friends.

that's just you.

I don't leave my 11 yo going to a party or have sleepovers in someone's house when I don't even know their name.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 31/07/2021 10:48

@eightyfourandahalf

Unless your child has a friend who are joined at the hip outside school or you carshare for a hobby I doubt you will even know the surname of lots of their friends.

that's just you.

I don't leave my 11 yo going to a party or have sleepovers in someone's house when I don't even know their name.

Completely agree with this

Well each to their own - if people aren’t interested in who their DC are friends with it makes no difference to me. I’ll carry on being interested in mine even if that means (the horror) having to engage with talk other parents occasionally.

Parker231 · 31/07/2021 10:54

I’m interested in who my DC’s are friends with but I’m not interested in who their parents are.

SoupDragon · 31/07/2021 10:54

It is entirely for women who can't cope with losing the school gate social life.

Rubbish.

eightyfourandahalf · 31/07/2021 10:56

It is entirely for women who can't cope with losing the school gate social life.

I love the goady posts about people too superior to speak with other "parents" (some of whom might even be your boss, your surgeon, your hairdresser...)

but are not so busy and superior that they waste time on a forum like mumsnet 😂

AlexaShutUp · 31/07/2021 10:57

My daughter wants me to attend so she gets invited to stuff.

That isn't really how things work at secondary school. I didn't socialise with other mums but my dd still gets plenty of invitations. They choose their own friends at that age.

NinaGonk · 31/07/2021 10:58

I sort of see the point of it. Even though it would be painful. The kids are still only 11/12, they'll be doing sleepovers and taking lifts. I'd rather at least be on small talk terms with parents in these circumstances. You wont get the chance at school gates so it has to be more organised.

So OP given the above, I would just want to know you are someone who wont put my kid in danger or be a bad influence. I bet you will all just talk about the kids and their primary and thoughts on secondary. If you cant hear just explain, I get this too in noisy environments, not much you can do.

AvaCallanach · 31/07/2021 11:25

I find it useful to have the numbers of a couple of other parents in the same form/ year just to check deadlines, homework confusion etc occasionally. We don't do meetups though.

MissyB1 · 31/07/2021 12:41

@Parker231

I’m interested in who my DC’s are friends with but I’m not interested in who their parents are.

Even if your dc might start spending a lot of time at their friend’s houses? Yeah I made that mistake with one of my older kids, lived to regret it.

cansu · 31/07/2021 13:18

For all those who said my point of view was rubbish, what is the point of these meetings?
The only other point to these things is to try and screen friendships to some degree. I am not in the least superior but I would not want to try and impress other women in order to get my dd invites! Checking up on what kind of class people are in order to ensure my kids make friends with certain kinds of children also seems a bit unpleasant too.
Please enlighten me if there is another reason that I have not understood.

SoupDragon · 31/07/2021 14:50

For all those who said my point of view was rubbish, what is the point of these meetings?

Plenty of explanations on the thread.

BackforGood · 31/07/2021 16:03

I’m interested in who my DC’s are friends with but I’m not interested in who their parents are.

This ^

I find it useful to have the numbers of a couple of other parents in the same form/ year just to check deadlines, homework confusion etc occasionally.
The point is though, at secondary, it is the pupils' responsibility to sort their homework, and to work out what to do when they've not noted something in their planner, not the parents'. Yr 7 is a really good time for them to learn this, if they've not done so before that. I speak as the parent of two dc with ADHD who found this really difficult, and yes, I would prompt them and ask them questions, but when they didn't know / had lost something, the best way to help them is not to sort it for them, but to ask them "so what are you going to do about it then?" and let them work out what options there are.

I agree Cansu. I don't need to "approve" the family, for my dc to be friends with the child.

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