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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be anxious about a Y7 mums' meetup

88 replies

TheLasrStraw · 30/07/2021 13:51

It's in a bar and my hearing is rubbish. My daughter wants me to attend so she gets invited to stuff.

What are your tips for a successful evening?

They don't need to be my BFF, and I'm working on being less easily slighted.

I just want to come away with them thinking I was alright.

OP posts:
Justasecondnow · 30/07/2021 15:33

Not all but most people like having a chance to talk about themselves, so listening, asking questions (about kids is a safe bet ie. which ones yours, were they sad to leave primary, how do you feel about move to secondary etc.. obv not all those at once!) Laugh at jokes, try compliments (but only if you can find something genuine to compliment).

If sinking see if you can spot other wallflowers and form a coalition or be bold and join a group that looks friendly and say hope you don’t mind me joining in, sorry if I miss bits my hearing isn’t great. (If they don’t make efforts to include you after that they’re prob not worth your time)

I bet you’ll be fine! I get a bit nervous at these things but they’re never as bad as you think.

Cattitudes · 30/07/2021 15:36

I would have thought the yr7s themselves meeting and swapping numbers would be more useful. At 11 I would encourage dd to make friends first and then see if you get on with her friends' parents. We have had some parent and child meet ups but I see that as more for the dc benefit making friends before they start.

Just be yourself and try not to be near any speakers.

1forAll74 · 30/07/2021 15:39

I would always be the one to not get involved with groups of women from school things, and not any groups of women anywhere.. I can fit in,in social things, but simply don't wish to most of the time.

ByTheStarryNight · 30/07/2021 15:44

Another one saying don't bother. Sounds hideous.
Y7 is the perfect time to remove yourself from parents' social groups!
The children just make friends, they don't need to be engineered.

unfortunateevents · 30/07/2021 15:49

Is this kids who are year 6 and moving into year 7? Otherwise it makes no sense to be having drinks at the end of year 7 when many people have already left on holiday? If your daughter is year 6 it explains why she might feel she won't be invited to things without the involvement of mothers but it really doesn't work like that in secondary school.

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 16:04

In secondary, your dd will be invited, if other dc want to invite her. It is nothing to do with the parents. It isn't Nursery.

I'm confused as to how this has even come about ?
Who has had the contact details of all the parents of a whole year full of Year 7s ? Confused
I doubt many will go.
Honestly, if you don't think you will enjoy it, don't go.
I've managed to get 3 through different secondaries without ever socialising with any of their friends parents. Some I might recognise from nodding in the corridor at Parents' Evening or a concert, or dropping them off after something and a parent waving from the door, but others I've never met.

I genuinely find this quite odd, and am really wondering how parents were contacted.

Crunchymum · 30/07/2021 16:07

I thought all this shit ended after Primary school?

eeyore228 · 30/07/2021 16:10

I've left DD to it. She made her own friends who were nothing to do with the inevitable ‘mum’ groups we had in primary. She goes out with them and speak to the parents if I need to and we exchange numbers if the children are going to do a.lot together.

chunderwunder · 30/07/2021 16:12

@TheLasrStraw

Yes, I'm surprised it's happening at this age but I feel from primary school that kids saw each other socially if the mums were friends.

It's a state single sex school.

What makes you come away with a positive vibe about someone?

But you're not on trial! Why should it matter whether people get a positive vibe or not? This is so weird. Kids make friendships, they should be left to do so naturally and without parental involvement and certainly without parents feeling judged.
theliverpoolone · 30/07/2021 16:18

I bet this is private school.

Not necessarily Confused. When my dd started (state) secondary, it seemed to be the thing for mums from each class to organise meet ups. My dd's fizzled out (or maybe carried on without me!) but I think in at least one class some of them continue to meet up.

Bbq1 · 30/07/2021 17:17

Yes, agree with other pp's that kids arrange stuff themselves in secondary. There were kids in Primary whose parents (I wasn't one of them) sort of 'forced' them to be friends with certain kids because the mums were friends. Resulting in those kids having nothing to do with one another in secondary. My ds is 15 and in Year 7 I had a couple of phone numbers of parents of new friends. Some of his friends I've known since Primary. I would say hello as I passed their mums in thr Street. He had many more friends and I just know very vaguely where some of them live. If it's a sleepover at a new mates I just get an address so I know where ds is.

Mamamia7962 · 30/07/2021 17:47

If it's single sex, is it for parents of children from the same primary school who have passed the 11+, so not many parents will be going?

Honestly OP I really wouldn't worry, your daughter will make friends with children who have come from other schools regardless of whether or not you go to this meet up.

If she's already in Yr 7 then I find it a bit strange.

CousinLucy · 30/07/2021 18:09

I find this kind of the horrific. It's bearable with little children, but year 7s?!! I'm with those upthread that say:

  1. The best thing about secondary is not being sociable at all with other parents
  2. Reassure your daughter that your absence will not define her future friends or invitations to social events

I am so pleased this is not my life! I feel very sorry that this has been suggested in anyone's life!

NeverForgetYourDreams · 30/07/2021 18:14

This was the best thing about secondary school - not having to make small talk with other parents at primary school where the only thing you had in common was giving birth between the same 12 month period.

newnortherner111 · 30/07/2021 18:19

If someone will not invite you just because your mum has not met their mum, perhaps better off not being invited to things. Or perhaps if their mum is unsympathetic to those with hearing loss, are they worth it?

My tip is to think of a reason not to go that sounds genuine.

MissyB1 · 30/07/2021 18:23

It’s not about becoming best buddies with the other mums. For me it’s about putting faces to names (kids and parents). I’m going to hear ds talking about some of these kids, it helps to know a bit about who he is buddying up with, it’s an advantage to have met their parents, and maybe exchanged contact details. I’m not looking for new friends, but it doesn’t hurt to know who is who.

Musication · 30/07/2021 18:23

To answer your question, just have a drink, ask questions about others and be open about questions that come your way.
On another note is this really happening amongst secondary school parents?? I was hoping all this WhatsApp group / mum meet-up stuff would be long gone by then.

Travielkapelka · 30/07/2021 18:49

Oh god. Youngest starting year 7. There’s a year 7FB group, a year 7 boys group and a year 7 group for each class, utterly hideous, never had this with my elder children. There is a year FB group and as far as I’m aware that’s it

didireallysaythat · 30/07/2021 19:04

Hideous. Can't understand how it works - is it a small school? We'd be looking at 320+ mothers meeting up, plus kids, that's going to be a big pub lunch...

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 19:59

@MissyB1 - then you get your dc to invite their friend to your house and see their friend that way. You can also offer them lifts places and you'll see them then (and occasionally a parent if they answer the door and wave a 'thank you').

@Musication - no. this is the exception, not the rule. Fear not.

@Travielkapelka - going back to my earlier question, who has started these? Where is the GDPR in all this ? Who has access to a list of names of all the dc starting the secondary school ?

Exactly @didireallysaythat . It's going to be a big pub.

igelkott2021 · 30/07/2021 20:41

@HelplessProcrastinator

Is this for all the year 7 mums? That would be a huge group, or is it a select few? My DD sorted out her own social life from year 7 onwards so it shouldn’t matter if you don’t attend.
I think it depends where you live. Where we are, the parents seemed to be massively involved right up to about Y9! Helicopter parent capital of the UK I think.
Darbs76 · 30/07/2021 20:45

Thank God we didn’t have one. I guess it’s been created by some mums who loved running the socials at primary. But doesn’t really work like that in secondary. If your daughter wants to be invited to things then it’s down to her making friendships.

Parker231 · 30/07/2021 20:49

Why is it an advantage to meet the other parents? I knew by sight some of the parents of DC’s friends but would probably struggle to match parent to child.

Travielkapelka · 31/07/2021 08:48

@BackforGood there’s no GDPR issues. Most parents put themselves on the year 7 FB page which is fair enough and makes sense and then people asked if they had a kids in x class and some mums set up separate whatsapp groups and asked people to DM them if they wanted to be added. No GDPR issues

BumbleMug · 31/07/2021 08:55

Honestly I’d run a mile.

Secondary is the age kids start to make their own social life and plans. Parents don’t need to be friends for the kids to socialise. I know barely any of DD’s friends parents and the ones I do are by accident from primary.

Also a word of WARNING…. Secondary is the time when friendship groups can have lots of fallings out. Normally short lived etc but the last thing you want is for the parents to be able to contact you about every little argument. Kids need to begin to be independent at this age and work out their own issues so that they learn and grow. (Obvs I’m not talking about serious bullying here) If these parents are orchestrating friendships then they’ll definitely be on your back if your child even looks at theirs wrong.