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Original poster

To not go to 50th birthday party?

30 replies

WishIWasSomewhereElse · 30/07/2021 11:46

My sister wants me to go to her party in a few days, and I don't want to go. I am depressed and won't know anyone there.

Our dad died last week, his funeral isn't for a couple more weeks. Our baby brother died a year ago.

I haven't cried at all, but feel empty...numb. I have become increasingly anxious, increasingly worried about my DC.

Dsis has said that the people who she's invited aren't actually her friends as much as acquaintances, people who are "connected", which she thinks would be good for me Confused

She also said "they won't care what you look like, unlike my best friends, in fact a couple of them look scruffy". I kind of gingerly felt between my shoulder blades after she said that, but accept that right now I am over sensitive (my threads on here show I am slowly unravelling).

She laid emotional blackmail on me, saying that dad was really excited about her party and wanted everybody there. This doesn't make sense, as I've never really been invited to her parties before, Dbo was never invited when alive. There is only mum and me left.

Mum doesn't want to go. She is a frail, elderly woman, who has just lost her husband of 53 years, she's not in the frame of mind to go and meet a load of new people. Dsis is going to take three dogs to mum's and leave in a cage so they don't bark at her house. I expect mum will have to walk/feed them, so going would be difficult anyway. It's annoyed me as mum has two of her own dogs that need to be kept separate as they fight, so doesn't need additional ones.

I love Dsis, and haven't been able to say no as she laid on the 'be good for you' spiel, also she said that she feels down too, but is still doing it so I should. Not entirely sure it's the same as she knows the people, I don't. I do have MH issues which has always made me less sociable than her anyway and I've always found small talk difficult. Right now I'm trying to process my feelings, but I just feel an emotional block and feel incredibly down.

OP posts:
WheyHey · 30/07/2021 11:49

don't go , you have enough on your plate
sorry for your loss Flowers

Mrsjayy · 30/07/2021 11:51

Don't go you don't need to give her an explanation as far as I'm not coming I don't feel up to it. Flowers

GoodVibesHere · 30/07/2021 11:52

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am shocked that your sister expects you to go. If she wants to go ahead with her party that's fine, but no way should she pressure you or expect you to go, at all.

ScribblingPixie · 30/07/2021 11:55

Don't go - it's too soon even if she's trying to help you in her own way. It sounds like your mum will need your help with the dogs anyway.

Mumdiva99 · 30/07/2021 11:56

If you are feeling like you really can't get out of it....could you go early and offer to help set up. Then duck out when it gets busy.....she won't notice by that point.

Are your DC going? Would they look after you?

Or just say No. You are grieving your dad. Her choice to continue with the party. Your choice not to attend.

Mrsjayy · 30/07/2021 11:57

As much as you love your sister has she no awareness of anything other than herself she sounds very superficial and bloody exhausting, her mum is elderly but yeah mum come and meet my acquaintances Hmm

VictoriaLudorum · 30/07/2021 11:59

It is sad when a parent dies.
Do you have the same father?
What would he have said?

ineedaholidaynow · 30/07/2021 12:02

Don’t go. Can you see your sister before the party to wish her happy birthday? Can you help your mum with the dogs?

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 12:09

A party a week after your dad died? That's a bit odd imo I don't blame you and especially your mother for not wanting to go. It's very insensitive actually of her to try and push you both

MrsN100 · 30/07/2021 12:18

Wow she sounds incredibly insensitive and self absorbed. Yes it's her 50th but given what your family is going through, she needs to get over her selfish self. Your poor mum, just decline and ignore her nonsense.

Velvian · 30/07/2021 12:18

Yanbu and your sister needs to pay a dog sitter or take them to kennels.

pilates · 30/07/2021 12:24

In your circumstances I wouldn’t go and she should respect why you don’t want to. Your poor mum having to look after five dogs, could you go round and help out? Perhaps you could go out with your sister for a meal at a later date when you are feeling a little stronger.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2021 12:33

Why is your sister not taking her dogs to kennels to be looked after, and instead expecting her fail and elderly mother to attend to them? Is it usual for her to offload her responsibilities onto others, particularly onto others unable or unwilling to object?

But that's a side issue. What sprang out to me was -

"Dsis has said that the people who she's invited aren't actually her friends as much as acquaintances, people who are "connected", which she thinks would be good for me Confused"

So basically, this isn't a birthday party, because if it was she'd invite her friends. She appears to be hosting some sort of 'networking' event, a business-related gathering, so why she wants to inflict this on you is beyond me. As for 'good for you', I doubt it.

The only logical reason I can think of is that she wants to introduce some of these acquaintances to you so that they can manipulate you into using their businesses whilst you are grieving and vulnerable, and they can overcharge / cheat you. Seriously, I can think of no other reason for her insistence that you be at an event she is hosting for "acquaintances, people who are "connected"". Sounds very fishy.

Zilla1 · 30/07/2021 12:34

Sorry for your loss. Would your mother insist you came to hers to help with the dogs so you can't attend the 50th if you don't feel up to just declining the invitation?

newnortherner111 · 30/07/2021 12:36

Sorry to read of your loss, I think walking and looking after the dogs for the day and supporting your mum would be far better to do.

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 12:39

It does seem odd to be going ahead with a birthday party a week after losing your Dad, and before his funeral has even been held.

I wouldn't blame you at all for not going.

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 12:42

You have just lost your dad. No one should be pressuring you to do anything right now. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 30/07/2021 12:42

Don't go. You aren't obligated to and don't want to. That's enough of a reason to decline the invitation.

As far as your sister's 'it's good for you' and 'she feels down too, but is still doing it so I should' tell her that people handle grief in their own way and that she needs to respect your way of handling your own grief just as you respect hers. And I hope I don't sound uncaring, but it's irrelevant that your dad was supposedly 'really excited' about her party. He's no longer here so that no longer matters. What matters is YOU and how you wish to grieve and remember him.

As far as your mum, I guess between the two alternatives I'd rather stay home and deal with the dogs than socialize at a party days after the death of my husband with a group of people I don't know. How far you can involve yourself in your mum's problem with this party is hard to say. You can ask her if she wants you to speak up for her, but if she says 'no' you need to bite your tongue.

You mention that you have MH issues. Don't be afraid to access counseling to help you through this trying time.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my mum in February and it's always so hard to lose a beloved parent. My dad's been gone over 20 years and even though I'm 'over' the grieving I still miss him.

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2021 12:44

Tell her you are going to go and help your mum with the dogs

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2021 12:44

And I am very sorry for your loss

ChaToilLeam · 30/07/2021 12:45

I’m so sorry, love. You’re grieving a fresh loss and your DSis is ploughing ahead with her 50th like nothing has happened. Give your excuses and go be with your mum.

iklboo · 30/07/2021 12:48

So sorry for your loss. Don't go. Your sister is being selfish & insensitive. Only acquaintances and people who are 'connected' - it's not an MLM based party is it?

thetemptationofchocolate · 30/07/2021 12:50

@WhereYouLeftIt

Why is your sister not taking her dogs to kennels to be looked after, and instead expecting her fail and elderly mother to attend to them? Is it usual for her to offload her responsibilities onto others, particularly onto others unable or unwilling to object?

But that's a side issue. What sprang out to me was -

"Dsis has said that the people who she's invited aren't actually her friends as much as acquaintances, people who are "connected", which she thinks would be good for me Confused"

So basically, this isn't a birthday party, because if it was she'd invite her friends. She appears to be hosting some sort of 'networking' event, a business-related gathering, so why she wants to inflict this on you is beyond me. As for 'good for you', I doubt it.

The only logical reason I can think of is that she wants to introduce some of these acquaintances to you so that they can manipulate you into using their businesses whilst you are grieving and vulnerable, and they can overcharge / cheat you. Seriously, I can think of no other reason for her insistence that you be at an event she is hosting for "acquaintances, people who are "connected"". Sounds very fishy.

When I read the OP I got a funny feeling that this party is no party at all but a pitch for some MLM company.
DPotter · 30/07/2021 12:57

Everyone grieves in a different way.

Your DSis likes to 'party'. You and your DM don't.

tell her, thanks for the invite but you are still numb from your Dad's death and you will not be coming. Don't apologise - you have nothing to apologise for.

Then stay home with your Mum. Flowers

godmum56 · 30/07/2021 13:15

@WhereYouLeftIt

Why is your sister not taking her dogs to kennels to be looked after, and instead expecting her fail and elderly mother to attend to them? Is it usual for her to offload her responsibilities onto others, particularly onto others unable or unwilling to object?

But that's a side issue. What sprang out to me was -

"Dsis has said that the people who she's invited aren't actually her friends as much as acquaintances, people who are "connected", which she thinks would be good for me Confused"

So basically, this isn't a birthday party, because if it was she'd invite her friends. She appears to be hosting some sort of 'networking' event, a business-related gathering, so why she wants to inflict this on you is beyond me. As for 'good for you', I doubt it.

The only logical reason I can think of is that she wants to introduce some of these acquaintances to you so that they can manipulate you into using their businesses whilst you are grieving and vulnerable, and they can overcharge / cheat you. Seriously, I can think of no other reason for her insistence that you be at an event she is hosting for "acquaintances, people who are "connected"". Sounds very fishy.

gosh your sister is a real charmer isn't she? Can you bring yourself to tell her to feck off?