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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change my mind about a car journey in the last minute

57 replies

Selok · 29/07/2021 23:05

So, my friend invited me at the last minute to her hen do in Brighton this weekend- they arranged a small group of friends one of them pulled out at the last minute and she asked me if I was free this weekend and I am and I have never been away for a hen do so I said yes! I will be sharing a room with one if her friends that I never met before and my friend also said she could give me a lift to Brighton as she is driving - I thought great as the train would cost me about £60 alone apart from all other expenses that came unexpectedly anyways- I texted the lady introduced myself and asked how she was getting there she said I am welcome to join her all fine until here and she added that she has a mini roadster that I'd pack light - not good with cars so I googled and saw that it is a soft top car and very small- my problem is I am extremely nervous passenger- my husband puts me at the back when we drive long distance - I thought about this might be a bad idea to join a car journey but then I thought what the heck I will share the room with the lady and I thought to suck it up and do it but when I saw the car picture it really scares me the fa t that we will be in a small car with lots if lorries on the road, and if she likes fast driving I am buggered! Shall I just say I decided to take train or text her to say about my anxiety- she will think I am a weirdo
Or just take the journey and maybe it would help my anxiety about the roads and speed etc
Sorry about the long post

OP posts:

cabingirl · 30/07/2021 02:18

@VainAbigail

To say that he is a very good driver jt is me! My feet has gas and brake pedals too I feel like I am driving it

What do these sentences mean?

It's when the passenger starts slamming their feet on an imaginary pedal in the passenger seat because the driver is making them nervous and their body automatically starts trying to use the brakes (that aren't there)

If you've ever taught a teenager to drive you will have done it at least once!

WheyHey · 30/07/2021 07:19

@NiceGerbil not necessarily, I have a soft top with a massive engine, I drive sensible and with my passengers comfort in mind, especially if they are not used to the top being down because its a different experience
OP take an sleep mask incase you don't like it and prete you want a snooze in prep for the hen night

Original poster

Selok · 30/07/2021 07:28

Thank you so much all. I think I will text her and thank her for the offer and say that I will take the train, I can then explain when we meet in person!

OP posts:

Shade17 · 30/07/2021 07:37

Realistically if she has a sporty soft top she's going to be putting her foot down.

Rubbish

Those sorts of cars are £££ and generally bought by those who drive a lot and like to zoom along.

They stopped making them in 2015. They are not £££

Very few people would splash that kind of money otherwise. And tbh if they bought it for the looks and don't drive much enjoy nipping around etc then they're even more dangerous in a powerful car.

They are NOT powerful!

orangejuicer · 30/07/2021 07:51

Go for the train option and just tell her your plans have changed and you'll travel there separately. It also means you're not tied to coming back with this person if you make your own way.

Starryskiesinthesky · 30/07/2021 07:57

I would just be honest and thank her for the offer of a lift but say you’re not good in cars and so will take the train but look forward to meeting her there.

Fedinbed · 30/07/2021 08:00

Not a chance she’ll have the top down on rhe motorway.
Minis are really safe cars.
Why not text her and make light of it like a pp said:
Something like ‘sorry to sound like an idiot but I get quite nervous being a passenger so please excuse me if I act a bit weird on the journey-I’m quite normal really’
That gives them the heads up and if they are decent I’m sure they’ll modify their driving a bit if they need to.
Use the money you save on the train fare to treat yourself for overcoming this anxiety.

Roselilly36 · 30/07/2021 08:06

You don’t need to explain OP, take the train, and enjoy your weekend.

TheGenealogist · 30/07/2021 08:07

@Selok

Thank you so much all. I think I will text her and thank her for the offer and say that I will take the train, I can then explain when we meet in person!

So after saying you're not going to let your anxiety get the better of you, you're letting your anxiety get the better of you?

Cottagepieandpeas · 30/07/2021 08:10

@SockQueen

I'm assuming she's just warning you because she has limited boot space? Having a soft top car doesn't equate to driving like a maniac - I have an MX-5 and drive like the mid-30s mum that I am!

You can ask to have the top up - driving on motorways with the top down is fairly unpleasant anyway IMO - too noisy and battered by winds. I think you're overthinking this.

I think ‘over thinking’ is one of the key characteristics of anxiety.

Cottagepieandpeas · 30/07/2021 08:12

@orangejuicer

Go for the train option and just tell her your plans have changed and you'll travel there separately. It also means you're not tied to coming back with this person if you make your own way.

Agree with this. I’d always prefer the option of leaving when I choose rather than relying on others if possible.

Mandalay246 · 30/07/2021 08:28

Another vote for going on the train OP, it's not worth it if it is going to make you anxious. I hate travelling in cars and avoid it as much as possible. Some people are terrified of spiders, some of being in a car - it's nothing to be ashamed of.

user1493494961 · 30/07/2021 08:44

Take the train. If you don't enjoy the car journey there, you'll be dreading the return journey and it will spoil your weekend.

Chikapu · 30/07/2021 08:52

As someone who's an extremely nervous passenger, I say get the train. Travelling by car terrifies me and I'll always take the other option.

WheyHey · 30/07/2021 08:55

@Starryskiesinthesky

I would just be honest and thank her for the offer of a lift but say you’re not good in cars and so will take the train but look forward to meeting her there.

Or this ^ this is a much better solution than mine

Have a lovely time

userchange902 · 30/07/2021 08:59

My anxiety with car journeys with people I don't know is needing the toilet! (Also getting car sick) So I back out whenever I can and it hasn't held me back in life! I'd just make an excuse as to why you cant go with her now and go by train and say looking forward to meeting you!

Holly60 · 30/07/2021 08:59

@Mamamia7962

I don't think she will think you're weird at all. Do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. If you would rather take the train them just explain that you don't travel that well by car. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

I agree. I would also tell her the truth. So many people have experienced anxiety that she will either have experience of it herself (about something or other) or have a loved one who does. Anxiety is so much better understood that if you just said ‘I get very anxious about long car journeys and am having a wobble so will get the train and am looking forward to meeting you in Brighton’ I bet she will totally understand

AndTime · 30/07/2021 09:10

If you decline the offer I would be honest about why.

Can you get some rescue remedy and calm balm and try it out with your husband. Those two things helped my nerves about my driving test and enabled me to pass.

PumpkinPie2016 · 30/07/2021 09:13

I'd politely thank her for the offer of the lift but explain that you will take the train as you aren't good with car journeys.

I was a passenger in a bad motorway accident a few years ago and no way would I be going in a small car. DH has a big VW touareg which is well planted, has sensors everywhere and will brake itself if needs be. I still struggle.

Original poster

Selok · 30/07/2021 09:24

Thank you so much lovely ladies, your messages really helped me through! I have texted her to thank so much for the offer but my plans changed that I need to take a later train, look forward to the weekend with lovely ladies and catch up with her and others there' I have been working from home well before pandemic- 3 years before covid days and of course few lockdowns- I haven't been anywhere away from my family for such a long time so I don't think I want to ruin this time by starting off with stress. I just want to be comfy and have fun, it will be a journey from hell to me and the driver what was I thinking in the first place? Guess I had good intentions but I can't do it! I don't care if my anxiety is controlling me etc it has been long time I have a chance like this I won't ruin it

OP posts:

ViceLikeBlip · 30/07/2021 09:30

Tough one. It does sound like your anxiety is a bit extreme (being nervous of your husband's driving even though you know he's a good driver) but on the other hand, some people do drive like idiots!

I'm not a particularly nervous passenger, but now I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure I'd take a lift with a total stranger any more. And the fact that she drives a nippy little soft top mini would sway me even further against it!

I guess you could accept the lift down, and if its really horrendous you could get the train back? I wouldnt bother tying yourself in knots with excuses, I would just say that you're struggling with anxiety.

ViceLikeBlip · 30/07/2021 09:32

Just seen your update. Sounds v sensible, and I'm sure you're going to enjoy your weekend! X

NinaGonk · 30/07/2021 09:38

I get anxious too. I'm especially bad as a passenger on a motorway. I don't do anything but in my head I am assuming I will die. I do drive but try to stay as local as possible. Its annoying but doesnt necessarily hold my life back.

Have a good time op.

RedRec · 30/07/2021 10:28

Hope you have a lovely time, OP.
I understand your anxiety in this. I used to be the same but have sort of outgrown it now (I am 58!) You have done the right thing. Hope you have a great weekend.

therocinante · 30/07/2021 11:14

I have really bad anxiety as a passenger after a car accident where I wasn't driving - I avoid it where I can as CBT and medication hasn't touched the problem at all!

I can drive myself, though, so that's usually what I end up doing - in your case I'd not bother for this weekend but look into treatment (I am apparently unusual that CBT and medication haven't helped, so I think you'd be able to get some relief from it).

And having been driven round the Troodos mountains and through the chaos of Limassol traffic you are clearly much braver than me cos I wouldn't fancy driving in Cyprus, I saw some absolutely bonkers driving

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