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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect people to make an effort to come to children's birthday parties

41 replies

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 16:24

When dd is invited to a party I check our calendar and if it is free then block this time off for the party. If we are not free, I would let the parent know, but do try and ensure that we are free, esp. for close friends of dd's. I am finding that this is not the way alot of people operate. Some wait till the very last minute to respond, just in case something else comes up. Some act like it such a huge effort to come to a party.
What started this rant is that I was told by one of dd's best friends mother that she had double booked on the day of dd's party. She had accepted our invitation three weeks ago, when I handed them out. Today she says to me "Don't think X will be able to come. She is going to be so upset, but I told my aunt I would go to hers two weeks ago. I had it in the back of my mind that there was something else on, but couldn't remember what".
I was furious. Surely the fact that she accepted our invitation first, makes it a priority. And if she had it at the "back of her mind", shouldn't she have checked?
I know it's not a big deal in the scheme of things, but it has got me really annoyed and don't particularly want to make social chit-chat with this mum in the playground now- childish I know

OP posts:

casbie · 27/11/2007 16:29

: (

same here, especially 'best' friends, who then don't come.

what can you say?

my DD is the youngest in the class and so her birthday is at the end of the summer holidays and she's always worried that no-body will come.

: (

DANCESwithHughJackman · 27/11/2007 16:29

YABU - that's life. How do you know aunty isn't elderly or sick. TBH children's parties can be pretty boring for adults I can understand if you have alot on why you wouldn't go. At least this woman has told you rather than just not showing up.

karen999 · 27/11/2007 16:31

Sometimes it is also worth bearing in mind that some parents cannot afford always to let their children go to parties. It can be expensive with presents and perhaps a new outfit. I know my friend dreads invites because she doesn't want to let anybody down or disappoint her dd but she sometimes really cannot afford it!

choosyfloosy · 27/11/2007 16:35

I do agree, I think it is rude, but I do have some sympathy with the woman as I do this a lot - I can 'hold' two conflicting engagements in my head for a long time without ever realising that there is a genuine conflict. I'm not asking for sympathy as it is crap that I do it, and I should be able to manage not to, but I do it and try to be honest about the problem when I inevitably realise that I am going to have to let somebody down. I have a much better calendar and am really working on not doing this but it occasionally still happens. So i hope you can forgive her...

Original poster

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 16:44

Karen999 - It's not a cost issue. They are well off so it's not about that.

With regards to children's parties being boring to adults - so what? My dd loves parties and so does hers - they have been discussing it for the past three weeks. She was very keen that dd come to her dd's party a few months ago and I made every effort to make sure that dd would be there.

No the aunt is not ill, they are going for lunch.
What really galls is that she made a commitment to us first, I don't believe in letting people down(and this goes for any appointment, not just parties). I would understand if it wasn't a close friend, but it is. It's really the attitude that alot of parents have that children's parties(apart from their own children ofcourse) are of no importance.

OP posts:

karen999 · 27/11/2007 16:48

Ok - you have every right to be mad!!Tell her you are charging her a cancellation fee!

DANCESwithHughJackman · 27/11/2007 16:50

Oooooh I really want to say in the grand scheme of things kid's parties really aren't important....but I won't

I can see why you are cross but honestly don't let it overshadow your dd's day. Just have fun with the friends who do come.

Oh and I find unreliable friends VERY annoying too.

fireflyfairy2 · 27/11/2007 16:50

Can't she go & see her aunt & then her dh can drop dd off?

I know dd's party is usually just before Xmas when a lot of people will want to get in some xmas shopping.. last year we had 3 children dropped off my grandad's & 2 dropped off my an auntie... sure it doesn't matter who takes them, unless you wanted her mam to stay???

Original poster

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 16:54

Choosyfloosy - What got me even more annoyed was the comment that while she was accepting aunt's invitation she had it at the back of her head that there was something else on. If it was me, I would have said "Let me check and get back to you".

Cancellation fee-hmm that's a thought

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aquariusmum · 27/11/2007 16:56

I think saying yes to an invitation ad then bailing out is rude, whether it's a kids' party or an adult's. It's not beyond the wits of anyone to write things down on a calendar. I have two kids, one of whom is autistic, and I manage it! But people do this sort of thing and I guess sometimes there are reasons. I think you have to just speak to them in the playground and put this behind you as bad atmospheres in the playground are a nightmare when you have to be there every day. Big hugs!

bossykate · 27/11/2007 16:58

i think that this woman was very rude about it all and that it's only good manners to reply to the hosts promptly. i don't think giving a reason is necessary but if one does, it should be a decent one! a white lie if necessary! however i do not feel obliged to attend a party simply because we have been invited to one. with both of us working f/t oth, our weekends are jammed to capacity as it is.

Original poster

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 17:02

Fireflyfairy2 - The aunt lives three hours drive away, so she can't drop her dd and pick her in time.

DanceswithHughJackman - Honestly I know that children's parties are not a huge deal. I'm sure on the day of the party, dd will have a fantastic time. Think I am in panic mode trying to arrange everything. There is also a sickness bug going around school, so worried abot that. This incident just added to my general state of irritation and feelings of being let down.

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juuule · 27/11/2007 17:02

Not really worth getting worked up over. As someone else said, just enjoy the party with the ones who do turn up.
Sometimes things do clash and not everyone is that organised to realise the clash until the last minute. I've been guilty of it on a few occassions . I must say though that having done it myself it's made me a lot more tolerant of other people.
It might be an idea to give the invites out nearer the party so that people have a better idea of what they have coming up or if you send them out early do a check nearer the date to find out whether people can still come.

camicazi · 27/11/2007 17:04

I can never get over how little manners some people show about kid's parties. It might be because everyone else's kids are more popular mine and get invited to everything, so the mum's have 'party fatigue' and are fed up forking out for gifts. But I think it is mostly bad manners and a total lack of empathy! A friend had a party recently, invited 30 kids (joint party for her 2 DDs), 8 parents never replied and never showed up. As she said, imagine if she's only invited those 8!! Her DD would have had a pretty sad party.
It's a rubbish way to be treated and YANBU!

Original poster

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 17:04

Thanks for the hugs aquariusmum - I need it at the moment.

Don't think people should feel obliged to attend parties, but most children only have 3-4 very close friends and I don't think it is that much of an effort to remember and attend those.

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Original poster

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 17:16

I agree camiczi - if every one had this attitude there really would be no point holding parties. We haven't got family closeby and friends are important to us. I have tried to teach dd the same and that she mustn't let them down.

juule - she accepted my invitation, then a few days later accepts another. I see her everyday at the school run and the party has come up in conversation. I just cannot belive she forgot.

I will try and not be petty and still talk pleasantly to this woman-maybe after the party though

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MrsFlora · 27/11/2007 17:26

The only thing i #ve learned is that a real friend don;t let you down and travels across London or Manchester or whatever to attend...

other people is other people!

I had a few nasty surprises on my dc 1st birthday... i know who my friends are and who the rest are.

It is a matter of decency and respect..

I bet she is not even seing her aunt.. ah, don't get me started!!!

bossykate · 27/11/2007 17:29

she really has no manners at all. just try and rise above it - she must hack people off right left and centre with her attitude. i'm sure your dd will have a lovely time nonetheless

Original poster

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 17:31

I agree MrsFlora - there are some people who make such an effort, whereas others act like they are doing you such a favour by attending. People are in their own little worlds and think very little of how other people would feel.

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Original poster

Vinegar · 27/11/2007 17:33

Thanks bossykate. Feel better now that I have had a rant here and all all your kind words! Will try and not scowl at her tomorrow.

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Surr3ymummy · 27/11/2007 17:38

Does she need to take her DD with her to visit the aunt - 3 hours each way in a car is a lot for a child especially when there's a birthday party she could be at.

Could you tell the mother that your DD is really disappointed her DD can't make it, and offer to have her DD all day so that she can?

Squirdle · 27/11/2007 17:41

I've just arranged a party for DS2 and DS3 as they share a birthday a week before Christmas. I do understand that some people will have made other arrangements, it being that time of the year, but I would like to know asap if they can come or not. Just for planning purposes really. I would always go and check our calendar before committing to a party, but would let them know the next day.

As for affording the gifts, well I would hope that most of the parents of the children I have invited would know me well enough to know that the gift isn't the reason for the invite!

MicrowaveOnly · 27/11/2007 17:48

Hmm vinegar I do wonder how young your dd is. Because by the time you are on your second child and they have been to a hundred parties between them, then yes party fatigue does set in!!

Its not like in our day..when we only went to a couple a year and they were therefore a big deal. EVERY blimin weekend there's a party round here and most of the time I have never met the cild or their parents.

There is def. something to be said for small parties for best friends only. My german friend says in germany its tradition to invite the number of kids as is the childs age. that's quite cool.

Couldn't get away with it here, I'd be ostragised!!!!

MicrowaveOnly · 27/11/2007 17:48

or even ostracised

Enid · 27/11/2007 17:51

[jaded mum of three face]

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