To ask what it's like to be neurodiverse?

[drspouse]

My son has ADHD and some sensory difficulties. To some extent I can understand how the sensory difficulties feel to him as I know just what it's like to have a reaction to suncream that I'm allergic to, or to put on shoes that are too tight, and that must be what he feels like with all that kind of thing.
I was talking to a colleague the other day about our children as her DD is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis. She mentioned that she herself has a diagnosis of ASD and talked about our DCs sensory issues and her own sensory issues.

But a lot of the other difficulties that my DS has and that my colleague has are a bit of a closed book. I didn't like to ask my colleague about other issues and positive things about being neurodiverse, so I thought I'd ask Mumsnet....
Obviously this is MN and you don't owe me... But you also don't have to work with me!

Kate Long on Twitter collects vintage women's magazines and uses them for great threads of social commentary. You're in excellent company!

Going down the path to diagnosis of ADHD. My head feels busy and chaotic. I can make sure I have put my keys somewhere sensible 17 million times yet they won’t be there! My head feels over loaded and over whelmed. I don’t feel like I can just focus on one thing after another. It’s like it’s all flying at me at once.

I feel slightly giddy and a little bit drunk as my head flits through the various things I have on my plate, one after another in quick succession.

Some things that come to mind which I am fairly sure NT people don’t struggle with to the same degree (I’m high functioning asd and adhd):

I can’t bear wearing foundation/moisturiser/hand cream or anything that sits on my skin. It makes my skin crawl and I feel like I’m covered in grease. I also hate wearing lipstick and perfume, and to be honest any kind of jewellery except stud earrings or a plain band ring. I can’t describe it very well but the sensation of extra “stuff” drives me crazy. I shower twice a day usually, I like to be totally “clean” and natural except for things like deodorant and lip balm which weirdly don’t bother me.

I’m very obsessive about anything that takes my interest, I’ll go on hours long Wikipedia and google rabbit holes about different topics and become an expert on a number of them. My longest standing obsessive interest has lasted about 20 years at this point but I have ones that come and go. I can’t really like anything without having to know everything about it and I’m aware it’s weird so I definitely hide my obsessive interests and don’t discuss them except with internet friends who share them.

I can go into hyper focus if I need to get a task done, and work very fast and produce a high standard of work, but while I’m doing it I tend to not get up, eat or drink, talk to anyone. This has caused an issue at times with my husband and dd as I find it hard to come out of hyper focus. After an episode like this I will need to “recover” mentally for a good couple of days so it’s not very sustainable.

I find small talk very dull and don’t seek out casual friendships or maintain friendships except with a select few close friends and family members. I literally don’t get how anyone can mingle at parties or network, it’s something I am totally unable to do. Or at least I’ll do it for max one hour then get burnt out and just withdraw from the situation. I just get tired very easily from a lot of social interactions.. it’s made climbing the ladder at work quite tough and I don’t have much social life outside my family. I do try a bit harder now to model social behaviours to dd.

I pace and listen to music a lot. One of my favourite things to do has always been walking for miles listening to music. It’s a total waste of time but I find it relaxing and I daydream vividly on those walks.

I find I need a lot of physical stimulation which may be different to other autistic people. Having my hair stroked or my back rubbed really has a dramatic effect to calm me down and I’m also quite a sexual person and need a lot of that as well. I generally really enjoy things like hot baths, massages, scented candles, very soft textures - I guess sensory stuff is important to me.

I take things quite literally (almost never get jokes!) and I also argue in a very logical way providing evidence and facts which drives my husband mad since he thinks I’m just “listing” stuff, but for me accuracy and fairness are paramount in any situation. I’ve had some issues at work with pointing things out that are inaccurate or untrue because it hasn’t fit with the company’s agenda, etc, but I just can’t stand inaccuracy. I think this must make me a total nightmare…

I find parenting quite over stimulating, the baby phase was so so hard. Now dd is older it’s much better but I still have to take my time to recharge and if I don’t take me time I get really frazzled and tired. I love being her mum but I don’t want another child- giving birth alone was traumatic for me, I couldn’t handle the pain and uncertainty and I had ptsd and post natal anxiety/depression after the birth for about a year.

I have severe health anxiety and ocd behaviours which flare up when I’m stressed with work and things like that. This year during covid I had a very bad patch of HA which left me agoraphobic and I had to have counselling (it didn’t really work because I found it pointless and formulaic) and medication. At times I have been unable to eat for weeks at a time due to anxiety and that’s when I know it’s really bad. I have struggled with this since puberty… nothing works long term except massively managing my stress on an ongoing basis- relaxation tapes, working part time, avoiding alcohol and caffeine, etc. I think my obsessive tendencies definitely exacerbate my anxiety because I google and become an expert on all sorts of conditions and am constantly aware of bodily sensations as well due to my asd.

That’s just a few things I can think of. ND runs in my family, my adult brother has severe autism and cannot live independently, and other relatives have traits but I am quite high functioning and I mask very well. I don’t admit I’m autistic to anyone except close family. I often feel sad about my life and how it might have been if I didn’t have to contend with being like this. I’m in my early 30s and while some things are easier now (I can work from home, I’m married, I understand my needs and my conditions more), I know I’m not normal and I never will be. I literally watch movies etc with people socialising normally and enjoying life at parties etc or building amazing careers and I have no idea what that must be like, it’s alien to me. I feel like I’m looking in from the outside a lot. Wow that sounds depressing but I hope it helps to give you an insight of the struggles we can have and hopefully a little understanding.

Oh I have always had a thing about sticky labels. Not sure it happens as much but as a kid I would be given money to put into charity collections but not want the sticker.

I see athletes with numbers stuck to their legs and it makes my toes curl.

I've got slightly better with some textures but as an adult I can wear more artificial fibres.

I also discovered a few weeks ago that I can gauge weight really accurately, it started off as a conversation with my carer about my kindles, I keep one by my bed and one in my handbag and I said I prefered the 'lighter' one in my bag.

He said they weigh the same, I said they don't, after him testing me with my eyes closed he got out the scales, there is a 4g difference.

Not sure if that's just me or part of the way my brain works.

Hi im mid 50s and have been diagnosed as depressed with anxiety so bad I can't do much alone.
I can't help wondering if I have asd or as he though.
I never socialise and my workplace find this odd as they spend all day together then drink together too which I find odd.
I hate loud noises and always turn the tv down when I get home.
I do love a busy shopping centre though.
I sweat the small stuff but I can do large adrenaline fuelled things like when dh half a heart attack I went into coping mode and interviews or job trials don't phase me at all.
I can do a million things at once and prefer this way of working.people have asked if I were on drugs as I can work so fast and talk fast too.
I verbalize lots of things to myself out loud.
I get bored easily so keep a constant to do list which dh hates.
I used to be hypersexual and prefer the company of men to women.
Does any of this sound familiar to anyone with a diagnosis.
I like my time off alone to retreat from all the stimulation.I went through a phase of hating the phone ringing in my 20s.

*Also, this sounds bad I suspect but I find 99% of people incredibly boring. I don't particularly want to talk to them.

None of them share my (probably weird) interests and I don't share theirs...so why pretend?*

I have Asperger's. Im intelligent and to others my difficulties may not be noticed all the time therefore I live my life pretending.

I have very minimal interest in hearing what other people have to say. I find office chit chat tedious and I don't care if my colleague is getting married or tried a new restaurant.

I get told I dominate conversation (I do, I would rather talk about my own interests) and this means I spend conversations anxious about whether I'm saying the right thing

I'm often anxious and have no ability to cope if things don't go to plan. I'm 38 and cry if things don't happen at the correct time. Waking up late and changing my planned schedule will ruin my day. That's embarrassing.

I fixate and ruminate which is extremely exhausting. I spend my life tired.

I love my friends and family, I care about them and don't want anything bad to happen to them but I don't feel a lot of empathy. I feel like a bad person when I think about that but on the flip side my ego centrism means I'm not too bothered by other people.

For me, ADHD is my super power. It makes me absolutely fearless and great in a crisis as my brain move at 400mph. I collect facts in my head and sound knowledgeable about lots of things. I always have a solution to a problem and have a game plan... my problem though is that i have generally caused the problem by being impulsive! I also say things without thinking and talk too much which means I come over as a 'bit much' when I'm actually a very nice person. I also don't have strong boundaries so offer to help all the time when I should probably just shush!

Potatocat I also don't have boundaries.i am trying though.☺
I can pile through chores and tedious stuff and get pleasure from it.

I have ADHD and the reason it was discovered was because I went to IAPT for therapy for anxiety and we discussed my anxiety and feelings of guilt in the workplace particularly, before my therapist suggested ADHD might be a factor.

I’m still getting to grips with it, but my experience of being undiagnosed ADHD all through childhood and young adulthood is one of guilt and shame at not being able to do things that people expected I should be able to manage. I’m a high flyer academically but have never really achieved much outside academia, and that’s because the criticisms and judgement over things I can’t manage has outweighed all the good things I can do. It's been pretty stressful and it is genuinely such a relief I now have an explanation!

It's like being in your own bubble and your piece of the puzzle doesn't quite fit like everyone elses does. You are very aware of this and try to pretend it does fit, while feeling really odd because it just doesn't.

Louisvillelou I can identify with feeling like this.
I've had no formal diagnosis yet feel on the outside of life recently.
I put much of it down to being excluded at work now I do wonder if I think or behave differently or if indeed It is just because I'm from another generation.

whatisforteamum yay to the hypersexuality ( sensory seeking rather than sensory avoidant I guess) , and the working very fast and well- when I’m in the zone. If not, I’m usually lying prone doing nothing!

One great thing about my autism is the sheer joy I find in detail and ephemera- following a cat as it walks along garden walls, noticing a raven in the sky, or something incongruous dumped by the side of the road- mere existence can be such an absolute delight! And thanks to the internet, there are actually people you can share this shit with! ( well not always, nobody liked my 16th century carpenters invoice on Facebook yesterday, I thought it was fascinating 😆).

But also, I can’t help looking down on the meurotypical. How can you even function chopping and changing so much ffs- isn’t it easier to just do the thing once you’ve said you’ll do it?! Socialising with NTs is so anxiety inducing!

I think this situation describes it well......

I was 4 years old. First day of school.

Looking around the playground I observed children: playing tig, jumping up and down steps, skipping etc.

I remember thinking, "How do they all know what to do?". It was like I was in a middle of a game but no one had explained the rules/objective.

Crackofdoom I love the Carpenters.
I haven't been diagnosed I just seem to think differently and often more clearly than other people.
Currently self isolating with my family.Motivating them is hard work.

I spend hours each day not doing anything because I can't make a simple decision like which shop to go to or what to wear. So many variables to consider: weather, occasion, comfort, colour, footwear etc. It is the reason most or my clothes are black. Removing a variable helps. I recommend simplifying everything. Someone on here recommended the app Tiny Decisions which I love.
The other big revelation to me is that anything in a drawer, folder or cupboard may as well been sent in a black hole. 9 bought shoe organisers and hung them on my door.
I recommend reading up about the theory about people with ADHD being hunters in a world of farmers. It is a much more positive way of looking at it. We have some great qualities (good in a crisis, authentic, creative, curious) which can be a major asset in the right setting. I recommend "ADHD for smart ass women" podcast. The podcaster has ADHD but also talks a lot about her son.
Oh and I find listening to podcasts is a great way to get boring stuff done

Ever since DS was diagnosed asc, I have been thinking about things. As a child, I was shy and melted into the background at school, well that's what people tell me but I remember more like feeling frozen with anxiety and just not knowing how to join in with the others. Like everyone was watching me even when they weren't. At home, I would explode over small things, and always want the same things to eat etc. I remember having practice discos in my bedroom and acting our scenes from soap operas to.practice chatting with people, which I always thought everyone did! Hmm. I didn't know how to join in with social interactions so I taught myself some basics, so now I can network and maintain professional relationships, but it burns me out and I just want to watch something I've seen a million times on TV after just to wind down. When I'm chatting socially like that, there's always a part of my brain that's commentating on me internally, saying stuff like 'oh look at you, you're doing it, like a normal person' so I end up.missing a lot of what the other person says because I can't block out this internal commentator! I only feel totally relaxed by myself and I only don't get the internal commentator with DH, DS, and my parents and very close childhood friends. Making new friends is a total mystery to me althoughi seem to have picked up a few in almost 40 years! I still don't know if I am on the spectrum but I highly suspect I am. As someone else said, it's like everyone else knows all the rules to life and I'm just not getting it! I think the best thing we can do for our ND kids is to love them unconditionally qnd show that love. Mu parents, out of love I'm sure, wanted to make me more outgoing and sent me to all these ballet and theatre classes, argh!! Although I did develop a love of ballet and musicals as an adult so I suppose it wasn't all bad. I also have strong reactions to things. Someone 'bantering'or snapping at me can feel like a gut punch and then the tears come! And I literally cry with some type of deep joy when the curtain pulls back on the opening number of a musical!

Imagine your brain is filled with nothing but yet it’s constantly buzzing. Your heart is beating fast yet it’s actually not. You make constant mistakes but don’t realise you’re making them at the time so you can’t correct yourself.

You can’t stop yourself from blurting something out that may be hurtful or may make people think you are genuinely messed up in the head. You’re constantly competing with yourself.

You are so forgetful that you genuinely can’t remember what you had for breakfast 2 days ago, but you CAN remember the number plate from your stepdads car from 10 years ago. Constantly being paranoid and anxious. Wondering if you’re depressed or if you’re just overwhelmed.

Random things triggering you that never did previously. Not being able to concentrate on more than 1 thing yet multitasking is a skill you somehow adopt. Finding a new hobby, insisting you will see it through to the very end this time, only for it to end up like all the other times when you give up after you suddenly lose interest. Knowing too much about a topic which no one else really focuses on or takes interest in.

Feeling genuinely scared to try new food. Going to familiar places, with familiar food, and familiar smells. Having to cover your ears and going into fight or flight mode at loud noises.

Taking everything personally. Interrupting people because your impulse control is basically nonexistent.

Telling yourself “I’ll do better next time”, yet still failing as soon as you wake up.

I’m fucking exhausted. Help me.