To ask what it's like to be neurodiverse?

[drspouse]

My son has ADHD and some sensory difficulties. To some extent I can understand how the sensory difficulties feel to him as I know just what it's like to have a reaction to suncream that I'm allergic to, or to put on shoes that are too tight, and that must be what he feels like with all that kind of thing.
I was talking to a colleague the other day about our children as her DD is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis. She mentioned that she herself has a diagnosis of ASD and talked about our DCs sensory issues and her own sensory issues.

But a lot of the other difficulties that my DS has and that my colleague has are a bit of a closed book. I didn't like to ask my colleague about other issues and positive things about being neurodiverse, so I thought I'd ask Mumsnet....
Obviously this is MN and you don't owe me... But you also don't have to work with me!

@GetTaeFuck

I’ve just posted on site stuff to ask for a board specifically for this… Please go hassle *@MNHQ* with me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn There is one with a long running support thread for asd, it's the reason I joined mn a while back!

Jesus, I’ve been scouring the boards for ages and haven’t spotted that

I need to spend more time there - ended up getting banned on one of the main boards because I was accused of making a shitposting thread!

Ffs, wrote a detailed reply, mn helpfully decided to reload and now I've lost interest and cba writing it again. Which sums up my adhd very well.

Using the only one drunk in the room analogy, I'd say it's more akin to an nt person on speed and 30 cans of red bull in a room full of stoned people. You're dancing like Bez, reading a book and playing 5 games of chess simultaneously, they're all staring at paint drying and occasionally expressing awe at a fly. I need constant stimulation, I'm an adrenaline junkie but I need my horses, routine and habits to function as an adult.

I tend to explain it as herding cats on foot when everyone else is herding sheep with a collie. I have to take in everything, constantly switch between which cats to ignore, which to watch and which to go after. I have to run every direction after them, climb trees, crawl through bushes etc. Which makes life difficult, even more so when a sheep herder is plodding down the path and can just about remember some woods, let alone the specific cat in the specific tree I'm currently after. Or suggests I should just try walking on the path. But when my cats are all set on the same destination I can get them there with an intensity a sheep herder can't match, because they're always moving steadily and keeping an eye out for the odd stray, but my cats and I can race when we are all moving together. Rather than it being the case that my cats all move straight down the path when I want them to or put the effort in.

As I've got older I've learned to be more patient when there's someone slowly herding sheep in my way, and I understand they didn't have a reason to notice every inch of the landscape as I did.

I'm enjoying reading this and nodding along -l have
-more than one person talking. I literally can't understand what anyone says
-my mind jumps around CONSTANTLY. Yes, my conversation will reflect that!
-bit great in emergencies as l somehow find this hyper focus and reflexes. Which is handy as lm a nurse.
-can't hack soggy food 🤮
-l literally fall over fresh air. My mum wonders how l didn't end up on the at risk register, as a child l was covered in cuts and bruises
-working remotely is double draining compared to face to face
-l get peopled out very quickly. Living on my own was amazing
-@GetTaeFuck yeah a diagnosis in my teens or younger would have been helpful rather than 21
-relieved no one seems to think lm lazy or stupid anymore. At work they seem to quite rate me and think l perform. At school there was much derision about my handwriting. My mum was only commenting on my "terrible handwriting" the other week . Like l pointed out to her quick typing speed is way more useful in the modern workplace than handwriting. No one seems to hand write much where l work

@therocinante

For me (ADHD), apart from the obvious things - sensory issues, etc, which as you can say you can picture relatively easily I think - it's a sense of wrongness a lot of the time.

I very often feel uncomfortable and not right and as though I have to try very, very hard to be 'normal'. Even alone, when I've no need to mask my behaviour, I cannot watch TV without shaking my legs or being distracted or missing half of what's being said because a tiny noise in the next room has hijacked my entire brain power and I am acutely aware that I can't just sit down and watch TV like a non-ND person.

I can't socialise like a neurotypical person because it gets to a point where it feels physically painful, like having raw skin and nerves and everything is rubbing on them.

I can't keep my home tidy, keep things organised, remember anything. It sounds minor, but when you are overwhelmed constantly and you collect parking tickets and late payment fees like Pokemon cards it compounds the guilt of not being like a normal person, and not being able to explain that "just put an alarm on your phone" won't work because I will immediately cancel the alarm because the noise is stressful and then just as immediately forget.

I hate that I can't "just do" things. Executive dysfunction has been the most difficult and defining element of my life and being diagnosed in my twenties set of a slow avalanche of "oh that's why I couldn't do X Y Z" that even now, just hurts to think about. It's why I couldn't "just start" my dissertation (getting me a terrible mark for my rushed-through, 1 week to go, adrenaline driven effort), it's why my front garden is a mess a year after saying I needed to repaint the bench and tidy up, because I can't "just do it". I can be sitting on the sofa wanting to go for a shower before bed and I just... can't. I'm not scared or physically unable or anxious, I just can't get the linking bit between thinking about it and actually doing it. And that is something I struggle with every day - work that needs doing to a timescale, not when I have the random spurts of 'able to go'.

It's a very shame-inducing feeling, and something I have to work hard not to internalise as much as I have.

I relate to so much of this. I've never shared it with anyone (except dh) though and until recently figured it was just that I couldn't cope. I now wonder if it's the way my brain is wired.
The shower one so much. I'll be sat down knowing if I don't shower now then I won't be able to because the kids will need something or dh has work but still, time passes by and I miss my chance. Then I get frustrated.

These are all brilliant observations.

I'd say: imagine you are going into a room with a lot of others to do something that will slightly elevate your stress level, like listening to someone important who will test what you've taken in - or a supposedly informal part of a large group interview.

When you sit, there's a slightly flickering strip light in the corner of your vision. Then you notice the clock's roughly an hour out and there's a faint smell of smoke and stale coffee seeping from the carpet. The combination of the above is instantly all you can focus on though you are desperate to make yourself more comfortable.

I also agree with some things being a pure pleasure and spark to you. Like overwhelm through stress but instead reversed, from an experience that makes you swim in it and really luxuriate in the flow. It happens so rarely in most other circumstances that the memory of it is really powerful.

Aisforharlot - "Sometimes I don't understand the unspoken meaning behind words. Like my partner said 'put the kettle on'... so i did. Didnt realise he meant to make him a coffee!"

I worked at a computer and IT firm...had a big power cut one morning. Senior boss came along and said "Can someone quickly lend me their notebook?" I attempted to help by holding out a spiral bound kind. Look on his face was embarrassingly priceless.

it's like being the only sober person in a room full of drunk people
Omg yes. Like they’re all chatting and laughing while I stand there feeling awkward. I just avoid people because I know they don’t like me even though I don’t understand why.

Personally I wander around in my own bubble. You can speak to me and I won’t respond because I genuinely don’t hear. I don’t notice details. Or even big things. I don’t like bright lights or noise either. In my youth I had no sense of danger, I was in my 30s before I learned that.

I also don’t like surprises. I like to know what’s going to happen and I feel panicked by having things sprung on me. If I have to do something out of my normal routine I won’t be able to sleep the night before. University was good because I liked having a reliable schedule of what I’d be doing every day. The workplace is very stressful and I keep quitting jobs because it’s too much. In fact I have a lot of anxiety about everything.

I’m very good at logic and breaking things down though. Big picture thinking, concepts, ideas - although I’m not good at executing them. Which is a shame because most companies want to employ executors not ideas people.

What a fantastic thread!

I'm ASD, only diagnosed 18 months ago age 53. Being autistic is like trying to drive a car without understanding or knowing anything about the highway code or knowing what each pedal does in a car. I don't know when to listen or speak in a conversation, going somewhere like a crowded supermarket is like being in the chamber of horrors, the bright lights, noise of the checkouts, getting bumped in to, trying to push a trolley without bumping in to anyone while trying to remember what I want while coping with the combined noise of checkouts, people talking, piped music, children screaming, the harsh lighting & trying to appear normal. I sometimes feel like a bottle of pop that has been shaken up, I try to keep the pressure under control while I am in public but the minute I get home the top comes off & all the emotion & feelings I have bottled up comes shooting out & I either have a meltdown or end up sobbing. I am happy in my own environment where I can do the things that make me happy, I have a very narrow range of interests, I only read books that include certain subjects, my other interests are things that a lot of people wouldn't be interested in. Put me with people who are interested in the same things & I can talk for ages, I have more social contact online that I do in real life because I feel safe that way. I found school very hard, I was very badly bullied, I was a loner (still am) I didn't do anywhere near as well as I should have done, I just wanted to get it over with. I found working in a big office hard in very much the same way as school, it took me 25 years to get promotion where most people got promoted in less than 5 years. I have been treated for mental health problems ever since I was 17, I often wonder how much of my mental heath problems were really signs of my autism.

@Meruem

I have a lot of sensory issues. I don’t like taking showers as it feels like little needles stabbing at my skin, I’m fine with the bath. I hate feeling sun on my skin, so summer isn’t great. Clothes do feel uncomfortable and restrictive unless they’re soft and loose fitting. I also have issues with the noise thing which seem to have got worse as I’ve got older. Can’t stand noisy pubs or restaurants any more.

I have some very niche interests. On the one hand it’s great because I get a lot of fun and happiness from them but on the other hand there’s no one I know that shares them! So no one to talk to about it. And the things others talk about do often bore me.

Life isn’t always easy, but overall I don’t think I’d want to be any different. I know some people see me as a bit odd. But I like me! I can still find childish joy in things which I think a lot of adults lose.

A lot of people mentioning niche interests here... what are yours? I'm just curious now because you said no one shares them

Mayflower Mine are collecting vintage and antique Christmas decorations and mudlarking. Not THAT niche but a bit...I also collect 1970s girls' comics.

Haven't RTFT because, seriously, I have ADHD and it's 4 PAGES. I might go back and obsessively read. But then again, I might keep the page open for two years and never read it. Who knows?

This describes it for me.

It's so dysfunctional. Until it isn't.

For me, ASD is a strange dichotomy. On one side I feel constant anxiety over not fitting in and not knowing what to say and basically feeling completely inadequate. On the other hand, It’s hard not to feel like most humans are highly irrational beings with distinct intellectual
deficits and I just don’t understand how they manage.

@Sofuckingsad

For me, ADHD is like being the only DRUNK person in a room of sober people.

This made me laugh - I have mild inattentive adhd and it's so true! I feel as if I'm trying to act sober all the time.

i can walk into a room of ten strangers 7,tut
the reaons anyone lists for love me get screamed as faults as i walk away

I've got ADHD and am a master procrastinator. I haven't yet decided whether I'm terrible at multitasking due to my short attention span or whether I'm actually a true master, multitasking 50 different things at the same time. 😂

@asdconfession

I've never admitted it but yes, that's exactly how I feel. Brilliant !

I have dyslexia and I'm fairly sure that I'm on the spectrum.

Some sounds physically hurt, it feels like someone is sticking a needle in my ear, for me it is the pitch not the loudness.

CHildhood was confusing, something would be funny one day and next day the same things was naughty.

Things that are obvious to me are not to other people and there is a family anecdote of me telling a neighbour how it would be easier to fit the hall carpet if he was outside, I was about 5 and I was right.

If you watch only connect then my brain is 'solving the wall' while I'm doing other things.

ASD here (undiagnosed) and both my dd's are diagnosed ASD.

For me its feeling lonely, wanting to be popular but having no idea how to make friends or join in with chit chat. Most of my friends are male because they are easier to understand but I don't have a "group of friends". I feel like the odd one out especially around females, feels like they are judging me, talking behind my back and laughing at me because I'm different. I don't know how to talk to people anymore without saying something stupid or too personal. I find a lot of people are stupid (not sure of stupid is really the word) and I find most things people do are pointless and boring. I have hobbies and obsessions but from these obsessions I have learnt a lot of useless (to others) information 😊. I prefer animals to people, am a introvert because I don't like drama (easier to stay away from people) but hate that i don't have close friends. I suffer with anxiety but have learnt ways to control it.

I'm autistic, and relate to so much of what everyone says.

The sober person in a room full of drunks / drunk person in a room full of stoned slow people feels really apt to me (although having said that, I've never been drunk or tried drugs).

One observation from me is that being at home for the past year has been amazing for me. I've been promoted, lost all my excess weight, taken up exercise, changed my diet and become really healthy. I've become known at work as a really calm cheery person who is a total expert in the field. People seem to like me.

All of this has been possible because I'm no longer being physically and mentally tortured in an office environment all day long. I'm not on edge all the time from smells, noises, lights, sensations, small talk, facial expressions, schooling myself. I'm not having to lie down for an hour at the end of each day waiting for the trembling to stop.

So my analogy for the thread is that it's like being a small, quivering, nervous rabbit who's on high alert all the time and who wants to run and hide every time there's a person or noise or something.

For me, it's like everyone else has read the handbook on how to human, but I didn't even know it existed.

@sashh

I have dyslexia and I'm fairly sure that I'm on the spectrum.

Some sounds physically hurt, it feels like someone is sticking a needle in my ear, for me it is the pitch not the loudness.

CHildhood was confusing, something would be funny one day and next day the same things was naughty.

Things that are obvious to me are not to other people and there is a family anecdote of me telling a neighbour how it would be easier to fit the hall carpet if he was outside, I was about 5 and I was right.

If you watch only connect then my brain is 'solving the wall' while I'm doing other things.

Yes...I get the pain with sounds too. For me it's sirens and hand dryers though one of our cockerels comes close too.

@FortunesFave

Mayflower Mine are collecting vintage and antique Christmas decorations and mudlarking. Not THAT niche but a bit...I also collect 1970s girls' comics.

I love those things too. But can't call it a hobby, just eyeing vintage Christmas decorations on Instagram, and I do have a small collection of vintage comics from 60/70s (but any not specific type).