Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Aibu to ask him to come home?

28 replies

NoMoreBadNews · 29/07/2021 11:42

Separated from DH earlier this year.

Generally been getting on ok, knew it was probably for the best, I was beginning to feel like the future was going to be an adventure, everything was going to be different but good etc.

But something has happened in the last two weeks and I need him here, DD needs him here. I can’t say what it is but it is very much nothing will ever be the same again and I don’t know how to get through this without him.

He does know it’s happening, it’s going to affect him too, and the last couple of times I’ve seen him he’s been unable to talk really because we’re all in shock. We have no control over whether this is going to be a good outcome or not. I’m numb and in limbo, there’s nothing I can do except try to survive it and pray for the best.

I don’t even want him to come home under the illusion that we’re back together (although we do both acknowledge we still love each other) but simply because DD needs her father, I need his help to get through the day and quite frankly I need my best friend to pick up some of the mental load.

But I also feel guilty about asking him to come back, he’s been doing what Ive been doing and trying to create a new life. I don’t want to create a situation that becomes more complicated, I’m not even sure he would come home, but can I ask? Or am I asking too much of him?

This whole year has been a mess.

OP posts:

Deloresabernathy · 29/07/2021 11:44

I'm presuming it is something life changing like an illness for you OP?

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking. Even if it is only as a temporary measure?

Original poster

NoMoreBadNews · 29/07/2021 11:53

Yes, I am thinking temporarily. We’re going to have to change our whole lives but in the interim I need help. I’m just not very good at asking for it. And I feel guilty about uprooting him when he’s only just started to feel settled.

OP posts:

tsmainsqueeze · 29/07/2021 12:05

I think its reasonable to ask him to come home, your child is the priority in your breakup and i would imagine he agrees.
Whatever it is i hope things ends up well for you all .

toocold54 · 29/07/2021 12:36

I’d say you are BU. I feel like your DD will be confused and there would probably be added tension which isn’t going to help her and then if it doesn’t work and he moves back out it’s going to be added stress that she doesn’t need.
Could he not move closer instead so he can come around often and she can go to his everyday?

stopknockingonmydoor · 29/07/2021 13:01

I don't think YWBU to ask, and equally I don't think that he WBU to say no.

You can only broach the subject and see how he'd feel about it, but I agree with PP that it may cause confusion for your daughter for her Dad to come home, but you not be together.

It sounds like a very difficult situation

suspiria777 · 29/07/2021 13:09

I think you can definitely ask.

LuxOlente · 29/07/2021 13:25

I dunno, this is kind of something you need to consider when you separate. That's what it is - you lose whatever was 'bad', but you lose the good too. So no emotional support, no 'picking up the slack', no 'I just need someone there'. No more 'best friend', no 'sharing the mental load'.

It's over, and better you both learn to survive even these tough times alone - as you've chosen - and not engage in some half-relationship status where you're emotionally supporting one another again. It would be incredibly confusing for your daughter, also.

Maggiesfarm · 29/07/2021 13:27

@tsmainsqueeze

I think its reasonable to ask him to come home, your child is the priority in your breakup and i would imagine he agrees. Whatever it is i hope things ends up well for you all .

I agree.

Boom45 · 29/07/2021 13:37

Can you discuss with him how you both, as parents, can support your DD? Not asking him to move back in but bring up the possibility of it as a temporary measure while you find longer term solutions. Bring it up along with other ways 8f dealing with your situation so it can be a joint decision and one that is well thought out and we'll understood by everyone.

redheadwitch · 29/07/2021 13:40

@LuxOlente

Sorry but I agree with this. You can support one another from your own individual homes. I reckon him moving back in is going to be a temporary relief that causes long term problems, for all involved.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 29/07/2021 13:42

I think it depends what the issue is.

If dd is poorly, then can't he just step up and support her from his new home?

If you are poorly, well I don't really think you can ask for emotional support as you instigated the break up and you are not really his responsibility any more. I think it's definitely reasonable to ask him for more help with dd though.

DysmalRadius · 29/07/2021 13:44

Is there a way to feel him out with no pressure? Eg tell him that you are struggling so much that you had considered asking him to come home, but had decided against it because of all the reasons that you have listed here but that you wanted to let him know that you are open to the idea if he thinks it could work. That way you are ackowledging that there are lots of things to be considered but open to having a discussion about it rather than 'asking' and him saying yes or no.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 29/07/2021 13:48

The situation is life changing for you all, so having him there temporarily is just delaying you being able to cope as separated parents, it will also be very confusing for your dd, and then you need to think about what point he will move back out again, and where, assuming he is already settled somewhere.

You can be there as emotional support for each other and your dd without physically living together.

Its a tricky situation, but things will happen and, if you're apart, its unfair on you both to keep coming back and forth each time there's an emergency or disaster or health situation but not actually be together.

Hope things get better soon op

LIZS · 29/07/2021 13:50

How old is dd? Do you need him to support her or you primarily? Why did you split? Be aware his life may have moved on, and inviting him back may set you up for further problems.

Original poster

NoMoreBadNews · 29/07/2021 15:37

Thank you - you’ve all confirmed every pro and con I’ve had - re: the impact on DD, she’s old enough that she’d understand that if it happened it would be dad in his own room etc and why he would be here.

I woke up this morning ready to send a ‘we need you, please come home’ message but I also knew that was not the right thing to do. I am going to ask him to come over to talk, lay out everything that is going to change (because he’s gone into shock and hasn’t allowed himself to think about the realities) and tell him my instinct was to ask him to be here and why but that I also understand the cons and just say, we need to figure this out together.

We’ve not been separated long - still thinking in weeks instead of months. I didn’t instigate it, but neither did he really. But that’s made it more complicated in a way to ask for his help. We’ve never really talked about any of it. It just sort of happened. But that’s almost irrelevant to the situation we’re in now. He’s just not accepted the severity of it yet and that’s where I need to start the conversation.

OP posts:

Dozer · 29/07/2021 15:41

Since you’ve split up and it sounds v much like you’re the ‘wronged’ party, don’t think it’s a good idea to ask your H to return ‘home’. Suggest seeking other ways to get through this whilst separated.

Dozer · 29/07/2021 15:44

It also sounds like you might have a serious illness and that he’s unwilling (he’s not ‘unable’) to engage with what this will mean as regards your DD. Which doesn’t bode well.

therocinante · 29/07/2021 16:00

I think you need to speak to him before you put any options out there - talk about the potential effects on your DD and what her support needs will be/are. It sounds like you're going to need to be able to communicate openly whatever's going on, so start that way: lay out what happens if X, what happens if Y, who supports DD with Z. Make a plan, even if there are a hundred variables - make a plan for as many scenarios as you can think of. Find where you're (both?) going to need support and what you can and can't handle emotionally at the moment.

Without knowing precisely what's happening or how long it'll go on for, it might be that one or both of you are perfectly willing to put 'getting on with life post-relationship' on hold to fight the fire in front of you. As long as you're both clear that's what it is, it might be the right thing for you - stability of sorts when it's needed most.

I hope you're okay, OP.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/07/2021 16:04

This would absolutely depend on whether it’s you or the DD with the life changing issue.
If you, then he can support his Dd from a distance and maybe take on more of the care.
If his DD then it would depend on the age and whether the child was old enough to understand you are not getting back together and why you both needed to be present 24/7.

Katedanielshasakitty · 29/07/2021 16:09

I am not so sure it's a great idea to be honest.

You have split up. Of course there are times he will still need to provide support to you. Practical wise. If you are very ill, only the worst people would refuse to do things like more school picks ups, more parenting time, being a bit more flexible regarding when he has the child.

He absolutely should be supporting his daughter in all ways. But he can do that and not live with you.

Regardless of separate rooms it will muddy the waters. Since its such an emotional time and could make things more upsetting for dd when he moves out again.

I, honestly, think its healthier if you maintain this boundary and ask him for support. What would you do if this happened next year or 2 years, ot when he has a new partner or you do?

If the marriage is over I think its best to find a way through while understanding there's 'a new normal' and he can support you both, from outside the home.

Saidtoomuch · 29/07/2021 16:17

Please no one try to guess what the issue is, its obviously very painful for @NoMoreBadNews and could be distressing to read the speculations.
I would say not have him back in the home. If its a life changing issue then him just being around temporarily isn't going to help. He can still be your best friend and confidante, and he can still be a very much involved father for your daughter, but don't complicate the issue by getting everyone used to him living in the home again. It wouldn't be fair on any of you.

JulesCobb · 29/07/2021 16:18

I honestly don't think it is a good idea, having seen this happen with a woman I knew. She got a diagnosis of cancer, her separated husband moved back in to try again. Then he left again when it got hard. It made it all harder for her as it added to her stress.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/07/2021 16:18

@LuxOlente

I think you've pretty much nailed it.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/07/2021 16:20

I think it could make a traumatic time harder for your DD rather than easier. She's getting used to her dad not living there and him coming back just to leave again at some point will be upsetting.

FlyingSoHigh · 29/07/2021 16:33

If it is your DD who has had the life changing event, then I think you could ask him to come back to help. If it is you, I'm not sure it's a good idea.

Flip

1 2