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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters Pregnancy

33 replies

Thinkpad21 · 29/07/2021 09:18

My little sister is pregnant, due Feb.

When I had my children she was younger than me and as id had mine whilst still a teenager myself so couldnt really expect much help from her. Esp with my first born.
Second born maybe a little more help could be offered and certainly more as they grew up (now 11 & 8) shes not been helpful, she doesnt bother with them, literally birthdays and christmases only no messages to check in on how they are etc.. & she will only babysit for a few hours if asked/begged! (She is my very last resort) & is very much Not a hands on auntie.

Tbf she has never had an interest in kids, didnt want any herself so I dont really blame her too much, as it was my choice to have kids..

DH however says she wouldnt need to ask us for any help as she doesn't help us with DS. & if I help her it will cause a massive argument between us.

I know where DH is coming from as it was hard!! But she is my sister, shes carrying my niece or nephew Im excited for this new journey yet in his eyes im a total mug!

Is he being unfair?

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 29/07/2021 09:19

Why on earth are you and your husband arguing about something that hasn't even happened?

Cocomade · 29/07/2021 09:20

Sounds ridiculous and petty tbh

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2021 09:23

Eh? She might not even need your help?

Really not worth falling out over.

Whinge · 29/07/2021 09:23

If you were a teenager when you had your children, how old was she?

I think it's odd you and your husband are talking about her asking for help, when there's no reason to think she will actually need help, or even ask for it. Confused

PotteringAlong · 29/07/2021 09:24

So you had yours as a teenager, she’s younger than you and your husband is put out that she didn’t help?! How old was she when your children were born?

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 29/07/2021 09:25

My family have never really helped me out. Particularly when children were small and you need it most because you are unwell etc.
I still babysit my sibling's children because I want to spend time with them. I have a very close relationship with one DN and wouldn't change it for anything. I don't always say yes to babysitting, but I also offer to have them on other occasions.
It's not about a swap, but your relationship with the child and what you want to do. Your DH is being childish. All your lives are in different places now than when the children were little.

EssentialHummus · 29/07/2021 09:26

You do you, just go into it not expecting reciprocity in terms of time, gifts, whatever else.

Ozanj · 29/07/2021 09:26

With all due respect she probably won’t need as much hands on help as she isn’t (I presume) a teen? Just chill out both of you and wait if you get asked to have this argument.

MindyStClaire · 29/07/2021 09:27

@WorraLiberty

Eh? She might not even need your help?

Really not worth falling out over.

Exactly this. I don't think most people have help from their siblings? Some lucky people get babysitting from grandparents, but I can't think of anyone who has anything regular or substantial with siblings.
Italiandreams · 29/07/2021 09:27

Do you ask her for help and she says no? When you don’t have children you don’t realise when people might need help, especially if you are younger. I offer help to others much more now I have kids of my own. I would always have help pre children but didn’t always realise when that help would have been needed. Not sure if that meant people thought I wasn’t willing to help.

girlmom21 · 29/07/2021 09:28

If you don't have a close relationship she's highly unlikely to ask you for help.

I have older siblings and wouldn't ask any of them to help look after my children, even the ones who have children themselves.

Your DH sounds like an arse though.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 09:29

Wtf. She’s not even had the baby and you and your husband are arguing about if she ever asks you to babysit?

That’s just so weird. Clearly you both have resentment from looking after your own kids. But that’s your issue.

Sally872 · 29/07/2021 09:32

Help your sister as much as you want. Lots of babies in my family at a similar time so nobody could help each other much. However if the last sibling has children I will be delighted to see a newborn again and now mine are older I would be very available and willing to help (if they wanted it).

Tell dh your helping because you want to, not avoiding your neice/nephew as some sort of petty payback. He sounds really mean.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 09:33

@Sally872

Help your sister as much as you want. Lots of babies in my family at a similar time so nobody could help each other much. However if the last sibling has children I will be delighted to see a newborn again and now mine are older I would be very available and willing to help (if they wanted it).

Tell dh your helping because you want to, not avoiding your neice/nephew as some sort of petty payback. He sounds really mean.

You do know the sister hasn’t even had the baby yet nor has asked for help?
Datingandnoideahowto · 29/07/2021 09:37

This is a weird argument to be having to be honest.

Jerima · 29/07/2021 09:42

Your husband sounds resentful.

I was 19 when my niece was born and I took her everywhere I went. When I wasn't working she was with me all day every day. My sister has never once babysat my DC or taken then anywhere alone. I've never asked her and she's never offered. My oldest is 16.
I looked after my niece because I wanted to and I enjoyed having her it's not some point scoring exercise.
Also your dh is trying to blackmail you into doing what he wants by threatening arguments/him being a knob if you do help

Sarcobaleno · 29/07/2021 09:42

Easier to know if YABU if we knew the age of your sister while your kids were little. It sounds like your husband is giving this more headspace than he needs to. For the record though, not everything needs to be exactly balanced. So what if you help her more, things change. Maybe one day she'll be helping you. I don't think your sister has done anything wrong and your expectations sound a bit high.

pinkyredrose · 29/07/2021 09:45

If you'd had a younger brother would you have expected him to help?

PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2021 09:46

But she is my sister, shes carrying my niece or nephew Im excited for this new journey yet in his eyes im a total mug!

It’s her baby she’s carrying. It’s her journey.

This might just be bad wording but you sound far too invested in this, especially given you’re having “massive arguments” with your husband over helping your sister out. I wonder if he’s picked up you’ve got a bit wound up about this.

FreeBritnee · 29/07/2021 09:48

There has to be more to this story. Is she very young? Has she suggested she’s going to need you to step in and help or are you just assuming this due to her circumstances?

Sally872 · 29/07/2021 09:48

Sorry @Bluntness100 in my mind it isn't help if it isn't wanted of course sister has to want the help. Being a bit pedantic there.

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2021 09:48

It should also be remembered the sister is early pregnancy, the baby isn’t due till feb. As such it sounds like some massive resentment on behalf of your husband, of course it was hard, you had your kids when you were teenagers. But that wasn’t your sisters fault. As she is younger, then she must have been very young indeed when you had your kids.

pinkyredrose · 29/07/2021 09:48

I was 19 when my niece was born and I took her everywhere I went. When I wasn't working she was with me all day every day

Seriously? Did you adopt her or did the parents not want her around?

Whinge · 29/07/2021 09:49

This might just be bad wording but you sound far too invested in this, especially given you’re having “massive arguments” with your husband over helping your sister out.

You're not the only one who think this. OP seems quite possessive of her sister's unborn child. It's one thing to offer to help, but assuming your sister will need your help, and having arguments about looking after a baby who hasn't even been born yet is weird.

Onehotmess · 29/07/2021 09:54

Has she actually asked for your help yet? Why is DH so upset about her not helping you? What if you didn’t have a sister? I don’t get it!

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