Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Being taken advantage of by friend

75 replies

Bordon42 · 29/07/2021 02:01

I do volunteer work and I have been paired up with someone I met a few years back at a previous volunteering job. Thing is this girl doesn't drive and I do so I gave her lifts home from our previous volunteering post for a few years and everything was fine. That was until we started together at another charity and she has changed her attitude, she asks me to pick her up from her doorstep and asks me to stop off at shops for milk etc, thing is she has tons of shops where she can get these things at bottom of her street but she will not walk there she expects to be driven everywhere. She gives me no diesel money either. I have had to beg her to give me some on one occasion as had no money to fill car up and why should she not contribute. She has asked me to take her to vet a few times also and refuses to get taxis because of covid even though she is double jabbed and has mask on. If I'm a bit late picking her up she will text HURRY UP but she lives in busy area and getting from my house to hers takes 20 minutes. My car can't fly and I can only get there as quick as traffic allows me too! A cat was 5 mins walk away from her and was near road and I asked her to walk round and see if she could see it and she refused she expected me to drive 20 minutes in rush hour traffic. Her reason for not doing it was because I have a car and she doesn't drive and she can't get it to vet and she would have to walk there and back! My reason was because she is lazy and couldn't be bothered... She has no idea where anything is in her home town because she doesn't drove she says but, I've not always had a car when I didn't drive I had to get buses trains etc to get places shopping etc. Another thing is is I like to keep my car clean and when I told her off for climbing in the back with her muddy shoes on she wasn't happy with me but she doesn't have to clean the car I do. It's just like she won't use her legs to walk and it's the god given right to be ferried around as a non car driver! I'm starting to feel resentful and used now to be honest.

OP posts:

Catflapkitkat · 29/07/2021 10:53

Most people wouldn't put with this from a family member, spouse or close friend let alone a person you have been 'paired up with'. You are not responsible for this woman. You have tried to help her and she has pushed you to your limit. You know what you need to do OP. You have been given lots of excellent tips - telling her 'no, not convenient', blocking her, asking to be paired with someone else etc.

Good luck.

NailsNeedDoing · 29/07/2021 10:59

You need to write yourself a list of excuses as to why you can’t do whatever she’s asking and memorise them, so that when she asks for something cheeky you have a reason to say no ready.

Maybe try getting in before she has a chance to ask. Like as soon as she gets in the car tell her how busy you are this week with x y and z so you’ll have to make sure you hurry home on time.

If she doesn’t take the hint and stop asking, ask the people who paired you up with her to pair you with someone else.

espressoontap · 29/07/2021 11:03

@NailsNeedDoing

You need to write yourself a list of excuses as to why you can’t do whatever she’s asking and memorise them, so that when she asks for something cheeky you have a reason to say no ready.

Maybe try getting in before she has a chance to ask. Like as soon as she gets in the car tell her how busy you are this week with x y and z so you’ll have to make sure you hurry home on time.

If she doesn’t take the hint and stop asking, ask the people who paired you up with her to pair you with someone else.

She doesn't need an excuse. A a simple 'NO' would suffice.

OP - tell her to get to fuck! Taking advantage of you is not on. Unpair with her and block her. Cheeky fucker.

Babyg1995 · 29/07/2021 11:06

Why would you put up with that

NailsNeedDoing · 29/07/2021 11:07

She shouldn’t need an excuse, I agree, but it’s not always that easy to say no without a reason, especially with people who appear to have no boundaries.

Etinox · 29/07/2021 11:09

100% your fault
100% in your power to change

Howshouldibehave · 29/07/2021 11:09

I'm just fed up of the whole situation and it stops now!!

Good. What’s your plan?

mbosnz · 29/07/2021 11:22

I hope that you're going to say that to this person you call a friend, but who treats you like their personal chauffeur. 'I'm just fed up of the whole situation and it stops now. Don't ask for any rides in the future, because you've taken the piss, I'm sick of being played for a mug, and it ends here'.

Babyghirl · 29/07/2021 11:24

@Bordon42
Tell her you need 4 new tyres and it's costing 160 pound for them so she can pay half of it as she uses the car just as much if not more than you and its only fair she pays for half of the maintenance on it cause it benefits her just as much. If she refuses tell her you won't be picking her up no more as your not paying to keep the car on the road for her benefit.

Bananalanacake · 29/07/2021 11:27

Does she ever say thanks for the lift. Oh dear, you've been caught speeding and banned from driving for 2 years. Or if you don't want to tell a lie, you've tested positive for covid and want to self isolate for 2 months to be extra safe.

Terhou · 29/07/2021 11:29

@Bordon42

Yeh complethy agree with you and I've said no to her many times Believe me, but she does my frigging nut in!!!

So why have you carried on? You just need to block her from all types of contact. She's never going to walk far enough to turn up on your doorstep, is she?

RubyGoat · 29/07/2021 11:32

Just don't let her in. Luck the doors. Don't go to her house. Invent appointments you have to go to that mean you can't take her home. Your car needs to go yo yhe garage for MOT /whatever. Or, just say no! And block her. What is your "employer" going to say? Nothing, they can't. It's not a work matter.

Terhou · 29/07/2021 11:32

You need to write yourself a list of excuses as to why you can’t do whatever she’s asking and memorise them, so that when she asks for something cheeky you have a reason to say no ready.

Don't do this. Making excuses implies that it's OK for her to ask and that you will give her a lift another time, and it's just an invitation to her to start arguing or trying to find a way round the excuses. The sooner you make it clear that you won't be giving her lifts her again, the better.

TopBlogger · 29/07/2021 11:34

YABU. You have a car, is 20 mins out of your day REALLY difficult? She may have unseen health problems that mean she cant walk far but doesnt want to tell you. Or MH problems that cause her severe anxiety that walking too far exacerbate.

How old is she? Maybe she is starting to suffer from dementia and needs support. Good on her for still trying to volunteer.

I also think you are incredibly selfish to not be helping her to learn. She could drive to the place you both volunteer with you teaching her. And maybe even use your car, nay HAVE your car when she passes.

(Do I win MN bingo of answers?)

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 11:34

I wouldn't give her any more lifts. I wouldn't give a lift to someone who texted HURRY UP anyway. I'd leave the volunteering if it meant any more contact with her, tbh.

Sunshinealligator · 29/07/2021 11:41

Shes an absolute piss taking dick.

Sorry mate, my cars having repairs done, you wouldn't mind splitting the cost would ya? Considering half the driving I do is for your benefit.

No...?

Ah well, I think we're both going to have to do without a car then!

GinniMcGinface · 29/07/2021 11:42

Does she give you anything in return? You say she’s a friend, do you see her any other time than the volunteering? If not, I’d stop. It’s an imbalanced relationship and not one she’s emotionally invested in if it’s just take take take! You won’t lose a friendship over it as it isn’t a proper friendship in the first place.

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/07/2021 11:44

@ApolloandDaphne

Can you get to your volunteer post without your car? If you can I would tell her your car is off the road at the moment as it needs urgent repairs and so you can't take her now. Get public transport for a week and see if she is capable of getting there by herself. If she can then tell her you aren't giving her any more lifts as there is too much wear and tear on your car. What does she do when you are on holiday?

Don't inconvenience yourself for her. Send her a message "I will not be able to drive you from now on, you'll need to make other arrangements."

Telling her there is too much wear and tear will just result in fake promises to pay for diesel and whatever.

icelollycraving · 29/07/2021 11:45

Why do you allow this shit show? Madness.

AnyOldLion · 29/07/2021 11:46

"Sorry, I'm not giving lifts anymore"

And repeat. Every time she asks.

GroggyLegs · 29/07/2021 11:48

@TopBlogger

How old is she? Maybe she is starting to suffer from dementia and needs support. Good on her for still trying to volunteer.

(Do I win MN bingo of answers?)

- BINGO!

But seriously OP, stop. It's painful to read.

ChaToilLeam · 29/07/2021 11:49

There’s only one way that you can stop this happening, and that’s you putting a stop to it. Tell her no more lifts, it doesn’t work for you and she will have find another solution.

If someone texted “HURRY UP” to me when I was doing them a favor, I would ensure that I’d never do anything for them again.

toocold54 · 29/07/2021 11:51

YANBU ignore the posters being rude. I could never afford a car and it meant so much when someone offered me a lift so good on you for being so nice. But obviously she is a CF and now you’re being taken advantage of.

I would start by being less available. You could stick to picking her up to go to the volunteer place but if she asks you to take her somewhere else just say you are busy that day. Eventually say you can’t give her a lift home from the volunteer place as you go the opposite way now. Then start phasing out the morning trips too.
If she ever texts you to HURRY UP I’d say you are not going to bother now as you’re doing her a favour and she’s just being rude. Honestly if she gets annoyed at you over it this would be a perfect excuse to stop doing it all together!

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 29/07/2021 11:55

Tell her to fuck right off.

FrenchieFromGrease · 29/07/2021 11:56

I voted YABU because this is something you have been choosing to do. If you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you always get. You keep saying 'yes' so she keeps asking.

Just block her. What is she going to do, force you at gunpoint to drive her to the vet? You obviously can't stand up for yourself whenever she asks so take away her ability to ask.

If she finds another way to contact you say "No, I'm not giving lifts anymore." Then block her on that app, or walk away if it's in person. Stone wall her. You don't need to give her an explanation. She's been taking the piss out of you for years and you've been rolling over and going along with it. She's not even your friend, she's just a random volunteer who crossed your path.

Have you considered therapy to discover why you allow a person to treat you so badly? It's not normal to do this. Do you have a fear of being seen as mean or cruel if you don't 'help' someone when they ask for it?

Flip

1 2 3