Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living with parent- AIBU

42 replies

zu48 · 28/07/2021 22:46

Hello - used this forum in the past and it’s been so helpful! My dilemma .. I am 32 and living at home. Its the hardest situation as my mother (neither medically shielding nor vulnerable) has decided she nor I can really leave the house. I only go to a shop which is yards from my house but I’m not allowed to see friends and socialise or go to a shop further out or I won’t be allowed back in the house. The breaking point was me having a dinner plan Tonight and me cancelling it within 45 mins because she really kicked up - I felt terrible and I really wanted to go . Is it Realistic for a 32 year old to be banished indoors as I am ? I also can’t get a new job unless it is working from home as she won’t allow me to leave the house for work .. (I was made redundant last year) And I can’t get a new home until I’m working - figure that one out!l

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 28/07/2021 22:50

Because of covid? Presumably she’s had the jabs?

YANBU, it’s time to get on with life, maybe not raves, but it’s insane to not let you out and see friends.

JustATypo · 28/07/2021 22:50

Is it her house and you’ve moved back in? If so, her house, her rules.

Dragongirl10 · 28/07/2021 22:52

Move out and start living !

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2021 22:52

Get out of there. Find a house share, ask a friend if you can rent a room, whatever it takes. Get out.

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 28/07/2021 22:53

Harsh reality of living at home, unfortunately. I'm also an adult living at home for financial reasons.

FWIW I think YANBU. I could understand in the first lockdown but now, when 90% of adults have had a vaccine it's madness to stay locked up if you're not incredibly vulnerable.

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 28/07/2021 22:59

Those saying ‘just move out’ have clearly never had to pay £600 rent for one room on benefits/ minimum wage!

And no, ‘the council’ won’t help OP in this situation either.

OP, could you go to your dad or any other family to stay until you get a new job?

LittleOwl153 · 28/07/2021 22:59

Have you had both your jabs OP?

At the point you have I would say to her you no longer wish to live like a recluse. That you need to get out of the house to work and that is what you plan to do. You should take all the precautions, wash hands, test regularly etc. But at the end of the day you as an adult are entitled to make your own choices. If she no longer wants to live with you if you get a job then maybe that is the time to find somewhere else.

pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 23:00

Have you got friends or relative that could shelter you while you look for a job and until you get paid and can afford to get your own place?

Of course it's not normal.

Your mother had a chance to start her life, what about yours!

BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 28/07/2021 23:00

@Aquamarine1029

Get out of there. Find a house share, ask a friend if you can rent a room, whatever it takes. Get out.
A house share is by no means cheap in London!
pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 23:01

The only other solution is to somehow find a job working from home without needing to step foot outside for it, save like crazy - should be easy as you are not allowed a life - and move out as soon as you can afford it.

She's nuts.

pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 23:01

A house share is by no means cheap in London!

of course it's not, but it's still cheaper than a flat on your own.

LittleOwl153 · 28/07/2021 23:02

And I think the pp is wrong. If your mother refused to allow you back in the house if you went out to dinner/got a job then I think they would consider you homeless and have to accommodate you - although as a single person it would be a hostel.or a room in a house share at best.

ivykaty44 · 28/07/2021 23:09

move out of London if thats where your mother lives

run for the north

jobs are about

Motnight · 28/07/2021 23:12

When did you last go out Op?

What would happen if you did go out?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 28/07/2021 23:13

Get a job
Then find a place to rent (spareroom is good)
Then get out.

I couldn't live like this.

egglette · 29/07/2021 07:11

I think it's really upsetting that some people are still so concerned about the virus that they literally won't step foot outside the house. I blame the early government messaging on that. But unless she's not as vulnerable as she perceives and you or another family member/friend can get that message to her, then I think you might be onto a losing battle on that front. Better to try to focus on getting out and into your own place. What would it take? Have you always lived with her or was it just when you were made redundant? Where you live is it realistic you could rent somewhere with the types of jobs currently available?

Sunbeam61278 · 29/07/2021 08:23

Get job, any job
Leave ASAP
Children have been at school
People are working back at their normal place of work
People are going on holiday
Restaurants, bars, sports are open as normal

Is your DM going to stay at home for the next 50+ years ?

Sunbeam61278 · 29/07/2021 08:23

No this is not normal

You are not in prison

rookiemere · 29/07/2021 08:30

My DM is like that but she's a lot older. There's also a fair number of posters on here who would say your DM is doing the right thing - unfortunately covid and government messaging has sparked a lot of underlying health anxiety in people that will take a long time to heal.

Two pronged approach? You try to find a flatshare somewhere else, whilst simultaneously encouraging your DM to get out a bit more? Ultimately it's her house and her rules, however restrictive you find them. Personally I'd rather live in the scummiest bedsit and have my freedom than be in your situation.

TheOneWithThe · 29/07/2021 08:40

Sounds awful OP, it's her house though. I don't think she's behaving rationally, but not much you can really do if it's her house, apart from move out.

Sounds absolutely bonkers but could you live in your car or a tent in the garden so you can get a job outside the home and save enough to rent somewhere?! I know someone who resorted to living in a tent for a few months last year, til they had a deposit together to rent somewhere, but they carried on for a while longer to save some more over the summer months. Means to an end, and at least you would be free!

Stickytreacle · 29/07/2021 08:46

I second the poster who suggested moving north, your mother is being irrational and you won't have much of a life if she is going to be so controlling.

Bbq1 · 29/07/2021 09:43

@JustATypo

Is it her house and you’ve moved back in? If so, her house, her rules.
I can't stand this phrase people use on here "Their house, their rules". I have never heard that phrase in RL. It's used to excuse every type of UB. What Op's mum doing is controlling her. Op has nowhere else to go, no job and now isn't allowed out but it's totally allowed and excused because the mother owns/rents the house. Op, at 32 you need to ignore your controlling mother and her VVU behaviour and call her bluff by going out. That, or move in with a friend or other family member if possible.
30degreesandmeltinghere · 29/07/2021 09:45

Yabu to humour her...

Souther · 29/07/2021 09:46

This sounds like an abusive situation.

rookiemere · 29/07/2021 09:58

But some people genuinely are still terrified to go outside and catch the virus. It doesn't sound like there was an issue pre-pandemic, so I'd call health anxiety rather than deliberately controlling and forcing the DM to live with her DD exposing her to unnecessary risk (even if actual risk is small) could also be described as controlling .