Living with parent- AIBU

[zu48]

Hello - used this forum in the past and it’s been so helpful! My dilemma .. I am 32 and living at home. Its the hardest situation as my mother (neither medically shielding nor vulnerable) has decided she nor I can really leave the house. I only go to a shop which is yards from my house but I’m not allowed to see friends and socialise or go to a shop further out or I won’t be allowed back in the house. The breaking point was me having a dinner plan Tonight and me cancelling it within 45 mins because she really kicked up - I felt terrible and I really wanted to go . Is it Realistic for a 32 year old to be banished indoors as I am ? I also can’t get a new job unless it is working from home as she won’t allow me to leave the house for work .. (I was made redundant last year) And I can’t get a new home until I’m working - figure that one out!l

I hope it shows as me being the OP? I am! .. I’m so grateful to have so many responses! Thank you all .. in terms of moving out - that is my number one goal. In answer to one poster unfortunately my father passed away when I was in my teens and his family live in a different country so I don’t have that option of escape. The other side of my family are lovely but it would not be realistic to move on with them due to circumstances or location. But I am really lucky to have them in my life - I want to be honest about any positives.

I have worked and saved and been very sensible my entire adult life but despite applying for jobs in the hundreds in the last year, I am yet to have any offers. Renting a room could help but I would definitely have no help (which I don’t expect or want to rely on) so it would maybe see me depleting all my savings and after that being at a dead end .. I hate the thought of my work ethic etc now seeing me in a hostel. This is not be being snobby at all but I really have worked so hard and I guess I would consider myself quite a sensitive person - the hostels near me feature in the local paper regularly with drugs and violent offences.

I am not far from London so renting a flat is impossible as it is so expensive. I could just about do it when I was working but it would not be possible now.

I think I know this is an impossible situation until I start working - which is another impossibility atm!

In answer to a post - in terms of being put and seeing people - I saw one friend outdoors for food in May and a week later saw my friend and her family in their garden. So two times this year. I must say I have been to the hairdresser once and I once in a while walk to the top of my road.

I am glad I’m not alone in thinking this is quite an unreasonable situation and honestly, if I could see a clear way out, I would! I hope it does change - thank you all

I don’t address this, sorry! I totally get your comment - this is definitely a new situation for everyone but just to touch on this - my mother was very picky about when she left the house pre pandemic. It’s got a lot worse and now turned into not allowing me to leave the house without a negative narrative. Her life hasn’t changed too much as she hasn’t worked in years, doesn’t go out a lot etc. It’s an amplified response to virus unfortunately.

One more response! In terms of my savings they would last me maybe 2 months so I just want to be clear- definitely no longevity!

I don’t have a car to live in as I don’t drive (an option though!) and I could only pitch a tent in my mums garden which would definitely be a no go.

I also appreciate living in a room would be preferable to the lack of freedom - I would consider a room where I feel safe but as mentioned, I could probably only commit to this for two months with my savings so it wouldn’t be sustainable.

Moving up North .. I have thought about this! Logistically it would be really hard but it is in my mind.

Thanks once again

You'd get housing benefit to cover the cost of a room in a shared house. Which side of london are you near, to give an idea of prices/things nearby?

Hm, as you’re denied housing benefit when renting from a family member (which I am) I assumed you couldn’t move into a rented place and claim housing benefit immediately..I thought there would need to be a gap? I could be wrong! Kent/Essex side but with good transport links so property is fairly expensive. Thank you!

Medway is cheap, could you rent there? The commute in to London isn't too bad from there. Maybe it's all changed now but I thought you could apply for HB as soon as you had a tenancy agreement.

Have you considered looking for live in jobs

Oh, I see what your message implies - I didn’t perhaps fully read the last part! I’ve stayed indoors almost entirely for 1.5 years, I’ve been unemployed for 12 months and unable to apply for any jobs that are not working from home (believe me, I’ve tried!). I could move out if I was able to work so I am certainly not forcing my mother to live with me - Quite the opposite - I’m desperate to earn a wage to move out! I am depleting my savings, not able to save for my future and taking many steps back. I’ve been out twice socially this year and have gone above and beyond and stopped my life to not spread the virus to an entirely healthy 60 odd year old who refuses to get the vaccine (I’m entirely pro choice but I know some people have questioned this) And I’m being controlling .... sorry, I am not one to comment in a negative manner but what an utterly silly accusation! I am doing everything to get out of this controlling situation - I’m at a loss as to how I am controlling it..

I just looked and I’m entitled to just over 70 a week for housing - thank you for bringing it up as I didn’t know there was such a clear calculation! That would be half at best of what I would need for a room where I live - but Medway is a place I could look at .. I know it’s a little cheaper than where I live. Thank you!

You're welcome. If you go further out rooms will be cheaper obviously. Sheppey and leysdown are very cheap, but probably not good if you don't drive.

Or Tilbury in the Essex side is cheap.

Do you have any close friends you could talk about your situation to? I would let my best friend stay on my sofa for a while if she said she wasn't allowed to leave the house apart from to go to the local shop.

This is abuse!

If the perp was the OP’s DH or DP everyone would be outraged.

Trying to think practically here, presumably you are claiming some benefits? I know it won't be much, but you are entitled to something, and you could probably save from that if you are not going out.
Are you paying anything for your keep?
You say you have some lovely relatives, would any of them speak to your mum about her extreme health anxiety? Has she spoken to a doctor? She needs other people to help her understand that she is being unreasonable.
Meanwhile, could you at least go out for exercise? Get her used to you being out of the house.
Could you explain how you need to get on with your life and ask her to lend you money for a deposit/ rent? Talk to her about how she sees your life ans hers going forward.. does she want grandchildren? Or to see you safely established in life? How does she think that is going to happen? She does need help, as do you. Is she working? What are you both living on?

I didn't realise your DM has chosen to be unvaccinated.

However I do think that she isn't making a conscious choice to be this way, for some people- my DM for example- they think the right thing to do is to be ultra cautious as even before this she had a bit of health anxiety. She isn't stopping you going out to be malicious, she's doing it because in her mind coronavirus is the single most scary thing that can happen to her. Net result is the same for you unfortunately.

In some ways it may turn out to be the step you need to move on and live independently and it's great that you're getting information about what benefits are available to you.

this is insane. it really is.

what is her goal? where does it end? she doesn't want to have the vaccine but also doesnt want either of you to ever leave the house. what, forever?

Did you post about this before, zu? I have recollections of someone being their mother's prisoner and wanting to get out.

This is a terrible situation for you and, whatever your mum says, you must strike out on your own somehow. She is being abusive.

There are agencies which people can access to escape spousal abuse, surely they must be some who help those in your situation.

I hope someone else knows more than I about these things. You cannot waste your life in this way, you are a young woman!