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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give any more info to DH’s ex?

39 replies

Atypicaldancer · 28/07/2021 20:51

DH’s ex has a history of controlling behaviour around their joint dc. We all currently have Covid and our isolation ends on Sunday. DH is seeing his dc next Wednesday for a week. DH’s dd also has Covid and will be out of isolation on Saturday and his ds is currently negative after a PCR test.

We have informed DH’s ex when the isolation period is up for our household but she is now demanding to have the dates of everyone’s tests, including my dd, 16. We have given her all the information she requires and test and trace have also been given all the details. But DH’s ex wants confirmation of the positive test dd had and the email we were sent from the nhs. She has in the past, used dd’s private medical information against us in a court statement. I told her that we were going through the autism pathway, so she said in a statement for court that dd had extremely complex special additional needs - not true, she’s 16 and in mainstream school and not diagnosed yet! She tried to use this to reduce DH’s contact time with his dc.

This might seem quite minor, but this behaviour is constant. Last week DH was taking me for a PCR as I was ill and ExW’s mother took a photo of our car to try to catch us breaking isolation rules. The way I see it, beyond what she needs to know from test and trace, dd’s medical information isn’t her concern. I’m not forwarding the email or giving her the test date so she can try to find reasons for DH not to have his contact somehow, as it’s none of her business.

OP posts:
Atypicaldancer · 28/07/2021 20:57

ExW is claiming she’s concerned about her ds who hasn’t had Covid yet and doesn’t want to send him to a house with Covid. We have already confirmed when our isolation period ends, so that should be enough.

OP posts:
Cattailkitty · 28/07/2021 21:01

DH's issue surely? What is he doing about this?

Atypicaldancer · 28/07/2021 21:03

He’s told her he’s not giving any more information and that my dd’s private medical information is my concern.

OP posts:
MarcusRashford · 28/07/2021 21:03

It’s a control thing. Tell her nothing.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 28/07/2021 21:03

The diet of less information essential here op...

Atypicaldancer · 28/07/2021 21:04

She doesn’t like sending the dc for their extended contact during the summer so she normally looks for some kind of issue. It is going back to court soon anyway. It’s just wearing.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 28/07/2021 21:05

I can understand her concern as she doesn't want her ds to get covid if he can avoid it - nor does she want to have to have another period of isolation herself I expect.

HOWEVER she is not entitled to anyone's medical information beyond those of her dependant children. The fact that you have provided isolation dates - which presumably coinside with what T&T have told her for her ds - is more than sufficient. Of course she doesn't have any entitlement to the emails which contain personal data.

Atypicaldancer · 28/07/2021 21:06

Her dd already has Covid, as does she - so ds is already in a house with Covid. Test and trace have confirmed when our isolation ends and we’ve shared that with her. I doubt she’s coming from a place of genuine concern.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 28/07/2021 21:06

I remember your thread about taking the photo of your car. Do you need to take stronger action of some kind with her, e.g. solicitor's letter? She sounds awful.

Daydrambeliever · 28/07/2021 21:07

Your daughter is 16. How does she feel about her private medical information being shared? You have no legal compulsion to share any medical information with her. However conflict is very damaging for the children stuck in the middle of separated parents so I would seriously consider how much skin off your nose giving her the info she wants really is? Your husband really needs to be the person who is dealing with this, and he really needs to discuss it with your daughter first.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2021 21:09

YANBU. You know that. She needs to wind her neck in.

Atypicaldancer · 28/07/2021 21:09

Giving her the info would not stop the conflict. She is extremely high conflict and controlling and will use any information to suit her own agenda. She's already taken private medical info about my dd and twisted it to suit her own purposes.

I don't think a solicitor's letter would work, but it does feel like harassment, especially with her mother taking photos.

OP posts:
breakfasty · 28/07/2021 21:20

@Atypicaldancer

He’s told her he’s not giving any more information and that my dd’s private medical information is my concern.
Sounds like he's got it under control. She has no need for the information and should trust DH not to expose her to covid.
breakfasty · 28/07/2021 21:22

Yes taking photos is very full on.

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 21:24

However conflict is very damaging for the children stuck in the middle of separated parents so I would seriously consider how much skin off your nose giving her the info she wants really is? demanding medical info relating to someone who has nothing to do with her when she has been given the information she needs is seriously crossing a line. Conflict might be damaging but is her own child she is damaging, OP has done nothing wrong.

Atypicaldancer · 28/07/2021 21:26

Absolutely and when you give into someone who is so high drama, they simply increase the demands. You don’t stop conflict that way.

OP posts:
Itsnotmyjob · 28/07/2021 21:42

I think given your DD is 16 it’s really up to her if she wants to share her medical info with anyone. I also think you’ve given ExW all the pertinent info and now it’s time to smile calmly and be the grey rock.
Then it’s you and DH holding the line that isn’t it a pain but thank goodness they all know when they can all mix again and he’ll see the kids on Wed.

Daydrambeliever · 29/07/2021 14:46

Which is why I said ”consider how much skin off your nose it is”. If I thought it would make my child's life easier and there was nothing she could do with the information to my or my child's detriment AND my older daughter didn't care one way or the other then I would give her the information. Alternatively, your husband can explain to her that your adult daughters medical information is completely confidential and not up to him or anyone else to share.

But it sounds as though your actual issue is much bigger than just this one incident.

Daydrambeliever · 29/07/2021 14:46

And once you get into a mindset that you are ”giving in” the relationship is pretty damned.

Atypicaldancer · 29/07/2021 15:23

It won’t make anyone’s life easier and MY child is not her business.

OP posts:
Atypicaldancer · 29/07/2021 15:23

Dd is actually 15 and vulnerable, I altered the age for anonymity so it is very much my decision what I share with her. It absolutely won’t reduce the conflict that was raging long before I came on the scene.

OP posts:
Atypicaldancer · 29/07/2021 15:25

Yes, if it were just this one incident that would be different. She finds things to create conflict about and has used my child’s medical info against us before. DH can tell her what he wants as long as it doesn’t involve my child.

OP posts:
Atypicaldancer · 29/07/2021 15:32

I will try to grey rock. DH has suggested she ask me if she wants any further information about my child and she hasn’t so far!

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 29/07/2021 15:44

How tiresome, I'd be soooo tempted to ask her for the results of her last smear test and a copy of her latest P60 - if we are going down the road of demanding completely unnecessary private information then everyone might as well join in Grin

Daydrambeliever · 29/07/2021 16:16

@Youseethethingis

How tiresome, I'd be soooo tempted to ask her for the results of her last smear test and a copy of her latest P60 - if we are going down the road of demanding completely unnecessary private information then everyone might as well join in Grin
🤣🤣🤣
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