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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend what she is doing for her birthday

37 replies

Blankscreen · 27/07/2021 22:39

So I have a friend. We've known each other for approximately 10 years, not best friends but close enough and we buy each other presents etc. There was a small group who would go out for birthdays and for example last year I arranged the group present for the friend.

A couple of years ago an old acquaintance of mine has befriended said friend and I feel like she has been systematically excluding me. I got upset and told my friend etc things seemed fine.

Couple of events popping up on Facebook and friend out and I'm not included and I have made excuses.

Anyway tomorrow is friends birthday and I have not heard a word from her about going out. Every year for the the last 7/8 years we have gone out.

What do I do?

Do I ask her what she is planning? Or leave it and wait to see the inevitable photos on Facebook Instagram.

I feel like something has definitely changed between us and the fact I feel uncomfortable about asking her is maybe a sign that things aren't right .

So am I being unreasonable to ask her what she is doing for her birthday?

OP posts:
VodkaSlimline · 27/07/2021 23:20

Think it's a bit late to ask now. Should have got in a couple of weeks ago and made a plan with her. Sympathy, anyway.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 28/07/2021 16:14

Anyone else have any thoughts ?

For context the person whose birthday it is would usually do the inviting

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/07/2021 16:18

I agree with VodkaSlimline.

You could've planned something in advance.

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/07/2021 16:21

Send a quick message and say - I have your gift? What are your plans for tomorrow and see what she says - if she lies and you see FB posts you at least know it’s not right

Cocomade · 28/07/2021 16:22

@BluebellsGreenbells

Send a quick message and say - I have your gift? What are your plans for tomorrow and see what she says - if she lies and you see FB posts you at least know it’s not right
This is what I would do
Notaroadrunner · 28/07/2021 16:23

Just send a text 'any plans for your birthday?' Then wait and see what she says. If she says no and you subsequently see photos on social media, you'll know your friendship is over. If she says yes and invites you as an after-thought, you'll also know your friendship is over or at least not as important to her as it is to you.

Sparklesocks · 28/07/2021 16:23

If I’ve been friends with someone for 10 years and thought I was being excluded I’d be more direct rather than just quietly waiting to see if I was right. It’s probably a bit late now but I would’ve texted her a couple weeks ago asking if she had plans for her bday, and if not did she fancy going out for a drink/a meal etc.

Puppyblues01 · 28/07/2021 16:25

Yes definitely message her and ask if she’d like to go out for a drink with you. That way you save face and initiate a fun activity for her birthday, if she’s not doing anything she’ll appreciate the gesture and if she does happen to be doing something that you’re not invited to she might explain why. It could be a covid rules thing depending on where you live. Either way it’s good to cultivate 1:1 friendships instead of relying on group organisation of everything.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 28/07/2021 16:31

Maybe I'm in the wrong then but I definitely feel ike I have been sidelined

In the past a group would be set up for a birthday a message sent out with the invite to all those included. That how we have always done it

I have done 1 to 1 stuff but birthdays have always been part of a larger group. 6/
-8 people I didn't know this year would be different, it wasn't for my birthday.

I have messaged her happy birthday etc and done the usual pleasantries on WhatsApp.

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 28/07/2021 16:34

In the past a group would be set up for a birthday a message sent out with the invite to all those included. That how we have always done it

Do you know if that happened this year?

If you’ve messaged her on WhatsApp and she’s not replied to invite you to wherever is going on, I guess that’s pretty clear… as long as you know something is happening.

A friend messaged me for my birthday a few weeks ago asking why she wasn't invited to my burnish celebration and why she’d been left out… I didn’t do anything this year. Just didn’t feel like it.

Sparklesocks · 28/07/2021 16:34

Isn’t her birthday tomorrow? Or do you normally do it early?
I think it’s fine to ask what her plans are. As others say if she’s left you out you’ll soon know, but at least this way you can be sure

UnsuitableHat · 28/07/2021 16:35

Well you’d have been invited to anything by now so either she isn’t doing anything or hasn’t included you. Maybe just a text - happy birthday, doing anything nice? - see what response you get to that.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 28/07/2021 16:40

It is her birthday today. I suspect the night out will be Saturday.

A photo popped up on my phone a couple of week ago of a few years ago when we celebrated her birthday early and I sent it to her - she read it it didn't reply.....

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 28/07/2021 16:42

Oh sorry I misread the date on your OP. I’m sorry, I suppose you’ve done what you can now and will have to see what happens. But it’s still possible she’s not doing anything this year.

notanothertakeaway · 28/07/2021 16:47

Similar thing happened to me recently. Wasn't v nice to realise that we're not as close as I had thought, but I didn't say anything

I felt my friend was entitled to celebrate with whoever she liked. I have to accept that. In my head, I have recalibrated the friendship and realise we're not as close as I had thought, but we are still friends

2bazookas · 28/07/2021 17:03

Leave her alone and MYOB .

This is not like previous years, is it? Lots of people still don't want to go out socialising , because of covid.

laalaaland · 28/07/2021 17:06

It's tough but friendships change over time, and with COVID complicating things too, I'd try to accept that the friendship has changed and not push it.

Jerseygirl12 · 28/07/2021 17:08

I wouldn’t message and ask what’s she’s doing for her birthday, she’s obviously not doing anything with you.

NotYourNachos · 28/07/2021 17:09

Who normally creates the group? Maybe they got fed up of being the one to always organise things
Do you normally instigate the meet ups or wait to be asked?

TwilightSkies · 28/07/2021 17:11

A photo popped up on my phone a couple of week ago of a few years ago when we celebrated her birthday early and I sent it to her - she read it it didn't reply.....

I think this speaks volumes….

Lougle · 28/07/2021 17:14

I wouldn't say anything personally, but if it's going to eat you up you might need to.

Original poster
Blankscreen · 28/07/2021 17:20

Whose ever birthday it is would normally set up and organise their own celebration

Yes I have done lots or organising in the past . My birthday was in lockdown so I arranged something in May. I set up the group I invited people like I usually would.

I've messaged her a couple of time since about various things but she couldn't make them

I will just step back, own my feeling and know where I stand i certainly won't do anymore helping out popping in looking after their pet .....

OP posts:
Original poster
Blankscreen · 28/07/2021 17:24

The more I have written the more I realise what a mug I have been!!

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 28/07/2021 19:59

@Blankscreen

The more I have written the more I realise what a mug I have been!!
Not necessarily a mug

Don't be too hasty to drop / block your friend. You can still be friends, even if just a bit less close than you previously thought

isitsummertimeyet · 28/07/2021 22:09

So you say your not that close and haven't bothered to arrange anything for her bday bit your the one sidelined.?

Your an adult ffs. Ask her if she wants to go for a drink or a meal instead of acting like a teenager wondering if you have been bumped for someone less needy.