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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband/ Friend relationship advice

33 replies

MeMyself00 · 27/07/2021 19:31

To cut a long story short. About a year ago at a small party, I was drunk (as was everyone) and I witnessed my husband with his hand down the front of my friends trousers whilst she was enjoying it. I caught them and they looked a bit startled and we left. The next day, whilst my hubby was still asleep and hungover I realised that I could not forgive him for this. We have three children and I realised at that moment I was going to have to make them live separately from their Dad, which broke my heart.

I moved joint money into my bank account. I spent nearly the whole day having an internal meltdown whilst looking after the kids. I could hardly function properly. I was wondering whether we’d have to sell the house, whether the kids would be able to go to the same school. I felt utterly betrayed by my husband and friend.

Late afternoon my husband eventually got up and out of bed after sleeping off his hangover. He spent a while looking on his phone and making food, speaking to the kids and generally acting normal. After a while he asked me what was wrong and I could not believe it.

I told him exactly what was wrong and he seemed shocked, he didn’t know what I was talking about. He remembered me coming into the room and getting angry but he thought my friend was dancing close to him and rubbing herself on him! He said he felt awkward and that she was being really drunk and silly.

I didn’t know whether to believe him.

The next day I spoke to my friend and she was also acting completely normal. She does not remember anything after a certain time at night. I did not mention to her about what I saw.

At the time my husband seemed genuine and I just tried to convince myself that I was drunk and made a mistake about what happened.

However it’s still nagging me. I don’t think there’s anything going on between them and if anything did happen it was a one off.

What the hell do I do? My husband and friend might by lying, they might not be. I don’t know what to believe.

I still feel betrayed but am expected just to move on when I have no idea what really happened and never will.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 27/07/2021 19:33

They don't get to expect you to move forward and treat you like you're an idiot. You know what you saw and they know you know. Whatever you want to do is fine but don't let them treat you like a fucking idiot.

Bollocks989 · 27/07/2021 19:33

Oh gosh, trust your instincts and memory.

gwenneh · 27/07/2021 19:39

I still feel betrayed but am expected just to move on when I have no idea what really happened and never will.

You know what you saw. What's going to happen next time he gets drunk -- or are you just sure he'll never get drunk ever again?

QueenBee52 · 27/07/2021 19:41

They're both lying..

You SAW this with your own eyes.. stop letting them gaslight you with their Lies ...

don't let them make a MUG out of you OP... you know what you saw .. pair of skanks think they got away with it 😳

BornIn78 · 27/07/2021 19:42

He spent a while looking on his phone

More likely he spent a while messaging your friend to get their stories straight.

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2021 19:42

Trust what you saw and divorce him

Drivingmeupthewall · 27/07/2021 19:45

@BornIn78

He spent a while looking on his phone

More likely he spent a while messaging your friend to get their stories straight.

This times a billion. Run. Trust your gut.
FortniteBoysMum · 27/07/2021 19:48

You know exactly what you saw and so do they. Their simply denying it and acting like nothing happened to make you doubt yourself.

QueenBee52 · 27/07/2021 19:50

@BornIn78

He spent a while looking on his phone

More likely he spent a while messaging your friend to get their stories straight.

Absolutely this...

Carpedimum · 27/07/2021 19:55

I’m really sorry @MeMyself00 here’s another vote for they knew exactly what they were doing, likely not the first time & they’ve conspired to gaslight you. It is an utterly shit situation of a double betrayal by two people you trusted, and worse that they think you’re daft enough to fall for their cover up. I’d say ghost the friend, you don’t need the drama of any arguments, just go NC. Concentrate on your feelings & decide whether you want to forgive DH & move on or throw in the towel.

Bookworm20 · 27/07/2021 19:56

What a disrespectful piece of crap.
I could never forgive that. In fact I would never again want to be near that.
Trust yourself Op and what you saw and remember. And how you felt.
Not only did he have his hands down her trousers, not only is he lying to you now, he’s also trying to make you think you’re imaging it and that you’re the unreasonable one.
You can have my first LTB.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/07/2021 19:59

Seems very unlikely that neither of them can remember, and also unlikely you would've "seen wrong" they're taking the piss, what a horrible husband and friend.

Moonface123 · 27/07/2021 20:00

So conveniently he forgot what he was doing with his hands, and then kindly passed all the blame on to your so called friend. What a gentleman he is.
Imagine how understanding he would be if the shoe was on the other foot.
Maybe next time you get drunk, play him at his own game, use his name excuses and then your quits, better still get shot of him asap and find better friends.

Moonface123 · 27/07/2021 20:01

Lame not name

buckeejit · 27/07/2021 21:19

You've not mentioned to friend so say out of the blue 'what do you remember about dh hand down your trousers at the party' & check her reaction.

If you can replay the view in your head then trust yourself. I'd be checking dh phone if anything remotely like this happened

MsDogLady · 27/07/2021 23:20

I just tried to convince myself that I was drunk and made a mistake about what happened.

OP, you clearly witnessed your H cheating on you with your ‘friend.’ His hand was down her trousers and she was enjoying it. The next day they conspired to bamboozle you and it worked. They betrayed you (and your children) and then made a mockery of you with their damage control.

It is not too late to address H’s infidelity, lies and manipulation. I know that if I witnessed my H intimately touching another woman, my marriage would absolutely be over. And I certainly would be NC with my so-called friend. Flowers

Original poster
MeMyself00 · 28/07/2021 10:49

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to reply. I wish I’d checked my husbands phone at the time but I thought things were over and didn’t see the point. I’m starting to doubt what I saw, did I see his hand down her trousers or not? I think I did but now I’m not so sure. I can visualise her up close to him and they were quiet, like they were up to something. There was definitely something going on but my husbands story does fit. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself nothing happened as the alternative is turn my kids world upside down. Unless he admits it and says sorry I can’t move on. But then what if he genuinely didn’t have his hand down her trousers? He can’t admit to that.
I was thinking about talking to him this evening about it and if he’s guilty then he might text my friend about it. I wish there was a way I could read his messages to see if he contacts my friend about it. I don’t know his passcode and I suppose he can instantly delete messages anyway 😞

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 28/07/2021 10:53

Go with your gut on this one.

Frazzledmummy123 · 28/07/2021 11:25

@BornIn78

He spent a while looking on his phone

More likely he spent a while messaging your friend to get their stories straight.

This!!
Tal45 · 28/07/2021 11:34

It's a shit situation but I understand why you would want to believe him as you have 3 kids together. If it was me I'd insist that all contact with the friend stops for both of you and the drinking is seriously curtailed to one or two max for both of you so that you don't doubt what you've seen and he's not getting so drunk he doesn't know or is able to pretend not to know what he's doing. Then give it some time and see if you can rebuild things, doing lots of things just the two of you or as a family. It's time for him to grow up or (if he doesn't agree) to move out.

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 12:08

you are being Gas lighted my lovely.. horrible cruel people..

do not doubt yourself ever.. you are a strong bright capable person... they are undermining you and treating you like an idiot...

please look after yourself and get of said friend asap 🌸

gwenneh · 28/07/2021 13:49

Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself nothing happened as the alternative is turn my kids world upside down.

That's exactly what you're doing. But their world is already upside down and you didn't do it. Hiding it from them isn't going to be any less damaging, particularly in the long term.

Again, you know what you saw. You saw it yourself. What you choose to do from here is up to you -- you're not going to get an apology for something he's decided to gaslight you over so hard that you're doubting your own eyes.

All that's going to happen is that this will be repeated, and he will be harder to catch.

RedBonnet · 28/07/2021 13:52

a year ago? that's a very long time to still be wondering tbf

Original poster
MeMyself00 · 28/07/2021 14:01

Thank you everyone. Yes it happened nearly a year ago and at the time I accepted his explanation. I tried to move on and forget about it but every now and then I get flashbacks at random times and I start doubting the whole situation :(

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 28/07/2021 14:04

DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF, You know what happened, you had seen it with your own eyes. Whether you stay with him or not you need to cut her out of your life if you haven't already, thats no friend. No matter how drunk I am I still know its wrong to rub myself on a friends husband, wtf Hmm