To think my sister is being ridiculous with these comments?

[hp45]

My son is 24, he lives a few hours away with his friend, so we rarely see him especially with covid. He has mental health issues and last year he was very depressed and suicidal and his friend helped him through it.

A couple of months ago, I asked him if he wanted to come on holiday with us, he said yes but asked if his friend could come and I agreed.

We got here yesterday, and my sisters children would've had to share a room so DS and his friend got their own room, DS and his friend offered to share. Since then, my sister has been making ridiculous comments to DS, asking him why he wants to share with his friend, and asking why his friend can't go on holiday with his family.

She then said to me that, if she lived with her friend, she wouldn't want to bring them on a family holiday, I told her that it was up to DS. She then said that they're going to ruin the holiday, they're going to be doing their own thing as we will be with our younger children, so I don't see how they're going to ruin it.

Am I Bu in thinking she's being ridiculous? Or would you agree with her?

[thing47]

Are her DCs much younger OP?

My two are in their early 20s and wouldn't think twice about sharing a room on holiday with friends if it meant they paid less!

In my experience it is very common at that age but maybe it seems odd to someone with much younger kids.

[ClawedButler]

And if anyone's "ruining" the holiday, it'll be the person making certain guests feel incredibly awkward.

[BoltonDoowar]

@Arsebucket

Well if they are in a relationship the situation makes more sense.

OP’s son is 24 as well, not 19 and they live together. They do seem very attached.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the sister suspects they are together and doesn’t understand why it’s a secret.

[ClawedButler]

(Your son's friend sounds like a diamond, by the way)

[GameSetMatch]

Your sister is being very unfriendly and must be making these two men feels very awkward, I’d be having words with my sister.

[ClawedButler]

It's got absolutely no bearing on the holiday whether they're good mates or in a romantic relationship - unless they're inviting the aunt to join them it has ZERO relevance to her or the situation.

[YouJustFoldItIn]

Grapewine* OKay, I've read the whole thread and the OP doesn't say he's gay, only that it's possible they could be in a relationship but she doesn't know.

We don't know whether this is homophobia or not. It's a bit of a leap. Unless the son is known to be gay and his auntie knows it too.

[ChainJane]

It's quite simple, she doesn't like them because they are a gay couple (at least, in her view they are). This might be for a number of reasons, but the usual ones will be
a) she just doesn't like homosexuals
b) she's worried they will set a bad example to her children and it might normalise homosexuality to them
c) she's worried they might be predatory

There's probably a bunch of other reasons that homophobes will come up with as well to explain why gay people are bad.

I think you need to confront her about her attitudes and get to the bottom of this. Whether they are gay or not, she is behaving homophobically because of her beliefs. (It's still homophobia even if she is mistaken about them.)

[grapewine]

@YouJustFoldItIn

grapewine

Totally missed the bit about him being gay. As the OP said 'friend' I assumed it was just that.

Probably is just a friend, OP says she doesn't know. But the aunt is making comments - despite her not knowing one way or the other. It's uncalled for and could come from homophobia. Either way, she should keep her mouth shut.

[ChainJane]

@YouJustFoldItIn

Grapewine* OKay, I've read the whole thread and the OP doesn't say he's gay, only that it's possible they could be in a relationship but she doesn't know.

We don't know whether this is homophobia or not. It's a bit of a leap. Unless the son is known to be gay and his auntie knows it too.

No - you can be homophobic based on your perception. If you think someone is gay and discriminate against them on that basis, that's homophobia.

[YouJustFoldItIn]

Probably is just a friend, OP says she doesn't know. But the aunt is making comments - despite her not knowing one way or the other. It's uncalled for and could come from homophobia. Either way, she should keep her mouth shut.

Yes, I get that. But at this stage we have no reason to think she's homophobic any more than to think she's just annoyed because the dynamics of the holiday have changed and her nephew isn't going to be on tap 24/7 to entertain his younger cousins.


No - you can be homophobic based on your perception. If you think someone is gay and discriminate against them on that basis, that's homophobia.

Yes, I get that too. But we don't know if she's being difficult and sulky because she's homophobic. We only know that she's being difficult and sulky because his friend is there. It's a bit of a conclusion to jump to, that she's homophobic, even if the son is openly gay.

[MarianneUnfaithful]

I don’t know what I would think because you have been so unclear about the accommodation situation.

[Howshouldibehave]

I would stop going on holiday with your sister-she doesn’t sound like a very nice person.

[whatthejiggeries]

She's being ridiculous. One child on there own often brings a friend in my world

[YouJustFoldItIn]

I don’t know what I would think because you have been so unclear about the accommodation situation.

There were obviously three bedrooms allocated to the 'children.'

OP's sisters kids would have one each, OP's son would have one. Friend coming along meant the sister's kids would have to share, so he could have his own room. Sister not happy. Son and friend offer to share son's room so Sister's kids could have a room each.

Sister still not happy. Sister just doesn't want friend there full stop.

[Maggiesfarm]

@hp45

My sister did know that his friend would also be coming and she knew that her children would be sharing. But when we got here she started complaining about them sharing (even though she was fine with it previously) so DS and his friend offered to share and she seems to have a problem with them sharing too.

I've never thought that they could be in a relationship but it's a possibility but I still don't know why it'd be her business.

We also split the cost 50/50 and we still are when we have food out etc, but DS and his friend are spending their own money. No idea what she means about them ruining the holiday!

Further to my previous post, your sister is out of order here.

I presume you are close to your sister; if that is the case take her to one side and point out it isn't the friend's fault that she now wishes he wasn't there, and it's unkind to speak to him and question him in a confrontational way.

She probably doesn't realise her own strength. That might work.

[Bibidy]

Your sister is completely out of line, I'd be asking her asap how she thinks they will 'ruin the holiday', particularly since your DS was already coming so not like it was all young kids and now he's tagged along at the last minute.

If anything I'd have thought it was good that he has brought someone with him, rather than he was hanging around bored doing stuff with much younger kids.

[Gwenhwyfar]

@thing47

Are her DCs much younger OP?

My two are in their early 20s and wouldn't think twice about sharing a room on holiday with friends if it meant they paid less!

In my experience it is very common at that age but maybe it seems odd to someone with much younger kids.

Very common at every age when it comes to cutting cost of hotel rooms ime. I personally prefer to stay somewhere very cheap and have my own room, but I've had female acquaintances ask if I want to share and go to a 3 or 4 star and I'm middle aged.
On hen weekends and the like, it's pretty normal to share.

[hp45]

@thing47

Are her DCs much younger OP?

My two are in their early 20s and wouldn't think twice about sharing a room on holiday with friends if it meant they paid less!

In my experience it is very common at that age but maybe it seems odd to someone with much younger kids.

Yes, her children are 5 and 7.

To answer other responses:

They're eating food that me and sister have bought, but they're also buying their own food when they're out, as are me and sister for the us and sisters children. It was sisters idea for the holiday as she's a single mum, but she said it was fine for DS to come and when I messaged him to ask, he asked if his friend could come and when I asked sister she said it was fine, so no idea why she has a problem, unless she thought his friend was a female I'm not sure!

They aren't helping with the children as it isn't their job to but when we came back, they had done the washing up so they aren't making us do everything. They are out a lot though but that's fine as they don't have to do everything with us.

I don't think its weird that he wanted his friend to come as his friend has came with him before when they DS came to visit and DS has gone with his friend to visit his family. But obviously Christmas etc they spend time apart and with their own family (apart from last year!).

I also don't find it odd that they live together, I've never thought about them being in a relationship, but if they are then its fine.

[isitsummertimeyet]

The only person likely to ruin your holiday is your sister, she sounds a dick.

[plodalong12]

@hp45
he asked if his friend could come and when I asked sister she said it was fine, so no idea why she has a problem, unless she thought his friend was a female I'm not sure!

She either forgot she said she was fine with it, misheard you in the first place, or thought he was talking about a female friend and is now making ridiculous remarks about two men sharing a bedroom (which points towards the homophobia).

At this point, we can all speculate, but the only person who can find out what’s going on with her is you, by asking her outright.

[thing47]

I have DCs not much younger than your DS, OP. Everything you have said, and I mean everything, in that last post sounds totally normal to me! Of course people of that age share houses together, and of course they go on holiday together, and share rooms.

I think maybe you need to have a heart-to-heart with your sister to establish why she is upset. Is it just because the dynamic has changed a little/she hoped your DS would babysit so she should go out? Or is it something more homophobic than that?

Her answers to these questions would determine my view of whether she is being totally unreasonable or just a little bit unreasonable.

[BasiliskStare]

Listen I think the are they are in a relationship is a red herring - we invited DS's best friend on a family holiday and I know for a fact they are not in a relationship other than friends of 10 plus years standing. But it was nice for DS to have a friend to do things with.. For us it was that simple. I would not care if it were different .

If your DS & friend are being nice and not eating you out of house and home and leaving room on he sofa I can't see the problem

[thing47]

Sorry cross posts, clearly I am the one going slowly, not plodalong

[EnjoyingTheSilence]

Tell her to wind her neck in. Remind her you checked all was ok before you agreed to it and she was. Tell her the only one threatening to ruin the holiday is her with her constant moaning.

I’m glad your son has had a good friend to help him through everything.