Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you say something to this man?

41 replies

fusiana · 27/07/2021 10:55

I've name changed for this.

DS is 16 and he's gay, he's been in a relationship with his friend (15, but almost 16) for a few months, his boyfriend isn't out yet, he's only out to DS and us. I also think his father is very homophobic.

DS and DD are only 10 months apart, so she's 15, she agreed to pretend to be the boys girlfriend in front of his father. It was fine but now DD has said that he's been making them uncomfortable. A few weeks ago, he bought him condoms, and yesterday when DD was over there, he decided to go out with his other children so that DD and the boy could have ‘alone time’.

Would you speak to his father about this? Apparently, the boy has told him to stop but his father tells him to stop being embarrassed as it's ‘normal’.

OP posts:
BumbleMug · 27/07/2021 10:58

The mistake here was involving your family in a lie to the boys father. Your DD should not have done that.

ChainJane · 27/07/2021 10:58

My advice is to stop the lies and deceit. It's wrong of him to facilitate under age sex but at the same time he is being responsible in that he wants his son to take precautions with his "girlfriend" and not get her pregnant. He probably thinks they will have sex anyway, so let them do it in a safe environment. I don't think you can confront him whilst still maintaining the lie. Let him know his son is gay and then see whether he still buys condoms for him.

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 11:00

DS and DD are only 10 months apart, so she's 15, she agreed to pretend to be the boys girlfriend in front of his father. It was fine but now DD has said that he's been making them uncomfortable.

I hope dd lying wasn't your idea. How could you be ok with this?

Wjevtvha · 27/07/2021 11:01

If your DD was actually his girlfriend then fine but if you say anything you risk making a complicated situation even worse and you’re getting yourself involved in a lie that I wouldn’t really approve of.
Tell your DD not to go there any more.

tallduckandhandsome · 27/07/2021 11:01

Would you speak to his father about this? Apparently, the boy has told him to stop but his father tells him to stop being embarrassed as it's ‘normal’.

I think you lost any moral high ground when you allowed dd to lie.

Wjevtvha · 27/07/2021 11:01

Then fine say something I mean if it wasn’t a lie

purpleme12 · 27/07/2021 11:01

Yes the others are right!
She wouldn't feel so uncomfortable if it was a real relationship!
Don't lie she needs to stop it!

unsureofneighbour · 27/07/2021 11:01

DS and DD are only 10 months apart, so she's 15, she agreed to pretend to be the boys girlfriend in front of his father.

For what reason?

Being gay and not out doesn't mean you need to present a fake girlfriend Confused

topwings · 27/07/2021 11:02

I think it's time your DD broke up with her "boyfriend".

The lie was a very silly idea - why did he need a girlfriend? Surely it's not that unusual for a 16 year old to be single.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 27/07/2021 11:05

Last suggestion to out the lad without his consent is awful.

But your DD should stop participating in the lie. They can 'break up'. It's not fair on your DD.

If this lad feels he needs to protect himself by pretending to his dad for now that he is straight, he can do that without involving a girl. It's normal not to have a girlfriend/boyfriend at that age.

PumpkinKlNG · 27/07/2021 11:06

Very strange situation Hmm anyway assuming it's real I remember my mum buying my brother condoms when he was a teen so don't think it's that strange, your dd lying makes no sense tbh why did she?

Datingandnoideahowto · 27/07/2021 11:07

Why would you suggest that? That’s so weird.

Original poster
fusiana · 27/07/2021 11:09

No, it wasn't my idea and I didn't approve of it! His father kept asking him if he had a girlfriend apparently so DD agreed to ‘pretend’. I find it strange how if they weren't pretending that his dad would be encouraging underaged sex!

OP posts:
southlondoner02 · 27/07/2021 11:11

DD pretending to be his girlfriend could just cause all sorts of trouble. What if she gets a real boyfriend and the dad sees them together. Best they just pretend break it off now

Zombiemum1946 · 27/07/2021 11:14

Regardless of the details, i think it's time to shut this down. I understand the boys problem,but, your dds involvement needs end. The father needs to be told to back off as well.

unsureofneighbour · 27/07/2021 11:20

The simple answer is that they tell him they have split up. I would not go getting involved in bizarre teenage lies.

fluffythedragonslayer · 27/07/2021 11:27

The horrible homophobic father knows the son is gay. That's why he goes on about girlfriends and trying to encourage his son to have sex with a girl. Stamp the gay out. It's abhorrent and sadly your family have been complicit in this. I can't imagine how upsetting this must be for your son.

tensmum1964 · 27/07/2021 11:29

I think it is possible that the father suspects that his son might be gay so is forcing the issue of a girlfriend. I know of a father of a not yet out young gay teenager behave similarly. Totally unacceptable particularly as your DD is only 15. Agree with others, the lie was silly but it might be time for them to break up. I wouldn't personally confront the father but equally would not want my daughter in his company as whatever his reasons he isn't someone that I would want around my 15 yr old.

Frazzledd · 27/07/2021 11:29

I'm guessing the poor lads being asked by his dad about girlfriends and why he doesn't have one so your DS, DD feel they're protecting him in some way to hide his relationship with your DS?

Lies come with consequences, this situation is one so you can't really pull the Dad on this- you need to sit down with them all and help build some identity confidence- he'll come out in his own time, it must be awful for him to fear telling his dad- overcomplicating with lies won't help.

MerryMarigold · 27/07/2021 11:41

Reading between the lines, maybe the Dad suspected his son was gay and is now so relieved he isn't that he's trying to facilitate everything to make this relationship more committed and maybe just to 'prove' his son isn't gay and can have sex with girls. That would be my intuition. I wouldn't say anything to the Dad, hit it is going to get awkward if they started not tactile etc in front of Dad and I assume it would be weird for them both to be really affectionate if they're not dating.

EishetChayil · 27/07/2021 11:46

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Frazzledd · 27/07/2021 11:56

Also, you can't really be pissed off with the dad for trying to facilitate a situation with your Dd that you know is never going to happen! If it wasn't all a lie, yes I'd probably speak to the dad, but you can't.

Plus, if he is a right arsehole about it all, what are the chances of you accidentally outing the boys during that (heated?) conversation!?

Support them but back your daughter out of it-

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2021 12:02

Well ask her to pretend to break up aith him, no good can come from this.

Original poster
fusiana · 27/07/2021 12:07

I wouldn't have even thought of speaking to him, but I just find it odd how he's so involved in his sons ‘relationship’ and if it was real he'd be encouraging underaged sex when DD isn't 16 until next year and the boy is 16 in a few weeks.

OP posts:
unsureofneighbour · 27/07/2021 12:10

@fusiana

I wouldn't have even thought of speaking to him, but I just find it odd how he's so involved in his sons ‘relationship’ and if it was real he'd be encouraging underaged sex when DD isn't 16 until next year and the boy is 16 in a few weeks.

Or he may think he was doing the right thing because if they were going to be having sex then condoms are vital. He may just be very clumsy but trying to do right.

Swipe left for the next trending thread