AIBU to be annoyed that my SIL asked me to travel 30 minutes in the middle of the workday to receive a package?

[onlychildhamster]

rejoining Mumsnet to ask this question as I wonder if I ABU.

SIL is travelling and hence is not at home to receive her package. She told me this morning she can't reschedule her delivery, and she asked if I could stop at her house for an hour (on a work day! ) from 11:56 to 12:56 pm to receive her package. It seems like an innocent request, but I work full time albeit at home at the moment; my home is a 30 minute bus ride to her home (we live in London and I don't have a car). It would be fine if it was in the evening or on the weekend but as its a work day, even if I used my lunch break to collect the parcel, i know from bitter experience that delivery slots are never exact and can often be rescheduled due to driver's schedule. I could be waiting an hour excluding travelling time for a package that may ultimately be rescheduled in the middle of a work day!

I managed to resolve it by suggesting she ask the neighbour to receive the package As I used to live at her house (she lives with her mum, my MIL) when my DH and I were saving up to buy our flat, I got to know our next door neighbour pretty well. I have his email address from the time he recommended his conveyancer. i thought I would just give her his email and she could then ask him. She then told me it would be awkward to email him out of the blue. So i wrote the email and he thankfully agreed to help.

Am i overthinking this? I feel a bit miffed, she knows I work full time but thinks I would be ok with receiving packages on a Monday when I don't exactly live next to her. And even when I nominated another person to help, I had to liaise with him too!

[quote onlychildhamster]@KrisAkabusi Honestly the position about her Aspergers is really quite unclear. she did get a diagnosis from a nhs psychologist when she was 15, and no one followed up on it. Everyone just said the doctors were wrong and even if she had aspergers, it was very minor and it didn't matter.

Should I just be very understanding of her because she has aspergers and can't help what she does or says?[/quote]
There is no such thing as ‘minor’ autism. You either are or you aren’t. If you meet the diagnosis criteria for being autistic then there will be significant problems with social interaction & communication, rigid thinking/behaviour, sensory issues, and usually developmental delays.

It may not have much of an impact on you or be obvious but she will be severely effected by it, for example by being excluded from school, not getting GCSE’s, needing her mum to go travelling with her etc.

If you really couldn’t collect the parcel then it’s fine to have said that, or as you did arrange an alternative. Given her diagnosis though it’s perfectly understandable why she would ask and not realise how much of an inconvenience it would be.

@HaveringWavering thats a good point, she might not know what a working day entails! her mum is self employed- so has no boss to answer to.

Poor girl sounds like she has been very badly let down. Nowadays people aren't diagnosed with Aspergers. They have autism, but are not intellectually impaired. So she's had a diagnosis and not been given any support

Miserable

[quote onlychildhamster]@KrisAkabusi Honestly the position about her Aspergers is really quite unclear. she did get a diagnosis from a nhs psychologist when she was 15, and no one followed up on it. Everyone just said the doctors were wrong and even if she had aspergers, it was very minor and it didn't matter.

Should I just be very understanding of her because she has aspergers and can't help what she does or says?[/quote]
No, you should be “understanding” of her because she asked for a small favour many people would have been able to accommodate.

You’re not unreasonable to decline if you couldn’t do it, but coming on here to invite a pile on and tear apart her medical history is extremely shitty.

@MummyGummy this is a separate topic and a diversion from the thread, sorry. But I am no expert and neither is my DH. so if she doesnt get help, does that mean she would struggle to be independent forever?

What sort of help does she need?

@Dyrne Honestly didn't think her medical history was relevant when she posted. several posters mentioned autism might be the cause and so for full context, i thought I should post it. Also maybe posters with more experience of autism could also advise me on how to communicate better with her.

Sorry OP but your OP is completely misleading.

You’ve provided a ‘bare bones’ scenario to try to figure out if YABU.

But then there’s a massive back story, right down to including the obligatory additional needs, that clearly is clouding how you feel about things.

It’s fine for her to ask for a favour. Don’t ask - don’t get.

It’s also fine for you to say no.

No drama.

@Clymene thats the thing, I don't even think of her as having Aspergers. She denies having it, her mum and sisters ignore it, my DH didn't even know it. Years ago i recall seeing a letter that said she had aspergers from the nhs. She also mentioned she was diagnosed and it was wrong.

Sometimes I doubt I even know it. Its a sensitive topic so its not something that I can easily check.

Can someone explain to me why people should never ever ask a favour from a family member? I see this as a perfectly fine request - as PP have said, some people WFH would have been able to do this simply by grabbing their laptop and working from the MIL/SIL’s place for the day.

Now, many people can’t do that and therefore it’s completely fair enough that the OP declined; but why is the SIL the spawn of Satan for simply asking in the first place?

It's all a bit of a storm in a teacup.

She asked, you said no.

You would have been unreasonable to pass on the neighbour's email address to her without their consent.

Deliveries can be rearranged or brought back to the depot or arrange a different delivery address, plenty of options.

I work from home and even ore pandemic did so at times. If someone has WiFi I could work from anywhere and if I liked the person and they didn't have any other option would be happy to work from their house for the day, but not to up sticks part way through the day.

If she is still doing her GCSE exams maybe she doesn't have a lot of life experience, you could just explain the practicalities to her.

@Dyrne I am fine with favours- when she was self isolating, i rushed to the pharmacy after work to pick up her medication before it closed. My DH bought her takeaway. I bought her favourite frozen yogurt so she has something nice to eat when self isolating. I guess cos she told me on the day it was due to be delivered and cos she knows I don't just work with a laptop- she has seen my work equipment in my flat?

Bad enough she asked you on your day off, but to have expected you to catch the bus is beyond being cheeky. Then to get you to email for her - since when did she become your (vvvu) boss

Next time she asks, just be ready.

Sorry SIL, I work. You know this. Which means I can’t be available on short notice for requests like this.

Lots of 'no harm in her asking'. I can't ever imagine asking someone to take time out of their working day to travel an hour's round trip just to take in a parcel at my house. The utter, utter entitlement.

@chunderwunder

Lots of 'no harm in her asking'. I can't ever imagine asking someone to take time out of their working day to travel an hour's round trip just to take in a parcel at my house. The utter, utter entitlement.

Faffing around getting busses there and back is silly, agreed; but plenty of posters on here have said they’d be able to just grab their laptops and decamp to the SIL’s place for the afternoon to work there.

Not necessarily an option for everyone, but it does show that it’s possible for some people to do this, and therefore not necessarily always an unreasonable request.

You should have just said no, problem solved.
People do make cheeky requests sometime but you say no and then generally speaking they don’t ask again

She told me this morning she can't reschedule her delivery, and she asked if I could stop at her house for an hour (on a work day! ) from 11:56 to 12:56 pm to receive her package.

I said, no that would inconvenience me too much and she would have to make other arrangements.

Then I didn't need to make a thread about it or give it another thought. Happy days.

That’s totally unreasonable of her.

If the parcel came within the hour slot it is so rare that the anniversary should be marked each year.

Unreasonable request though I think you did the right thing helping to find a solution.