AIBU to be annoyed that my SIL asked me to travel 30 minutes in the middle of the workday to receive a package?

[onlychildhamster]

rejoining Mumsnet to ask this question as I wonder if I ABU.

SIL is travelling and hence is not at home to receive her package. She told me this morning she can't reschedule her delivery, and she asked if I could stop at her house for an hour (on a work day! ) from 11:56 to 12:56 pm to receive her package. It seems like an innocent request, but I work full time albeit at home at the moment; my home is a 30 minute bus ride to her home (we live in London and I don't have a car). It would be fine if it was in the evening or on the weekend but as its a work day, even if I used my lunch break to collect the parcel, i know from bitter experience that delivery slots are never exact and can often be rescheduled due to driver's schedule. I could be waiting an hour excluding travelling time for a package that may ultimately be rescheduled in the middle of a work day!

I managed to resolve it by suggesting she ask the neighbour to receive the package As I used to live at her house (she lives with her mum, my MIL) when my DH and I were saving up to buy our flat, I got to know our next door neighbour pretty well. I have his email address from the time he recommended his conveyancer. i thought I would just give her his email and she could then ask him. She then told me it would be awkward to email him out of the blue. So i wrote the email and he thankfully agreed to help.

Am i overthinking this? I feel a bit miffed, she knows I work full time but thinks I would be ok with receiving packages on a Monday when I don't exactly live next to her. And even when I nominated another person to help, I had to liaise with him too!

[quote EKGEMS]@Boood There are people WFH with multiple computer screens and other specialty equipment that may not be easy to drag with them on public transport, or have internet access/speed that they need as well. This was a ludicrous suggestion by the SIL and unreasonable to assume we all can work off a laptop. [/quote]
But some people can just work from a laptop. I could if I needed to. If someone had asked me to do this I would be able to do it some days so I wouldn’t mind being asked.

It all depends on what she knows about your work situation and what kind of a relationship you have. Also, as long as she didn’t get arsey when you said no.

@MotionActivatedDog

These seems like a mountain out of a molehill tbh. She asked, it didn’t suit, you offered an alternative, it suited. It’s over. I’m guessing there is a massive backstory with this SIL otherwise I can’t see why this would be bothering you so much.

This with knobs on. There's no harm in her asking. Equally, there's no harm in you saying, sorry no, it doesn't suit. You're making a big deal out of nothing.

I recommend the following phrase if she tries similar again:

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine

Aka your fuck up is not my problem!

Why did she order something for delivery when she wouldn't be home to receive it?! Numpty!

She has never worked before (she is 22 and still doing her GCSEs)

Is this due to illness/disability?

Or has she been infantilised/mollycoddled by parents?

If she's living at same address as mil where was mil/fil (?) in all this?

YANBU, funny how she asked you and not her brother. Does she think your job is less important?

@MotionActivatedDog We do get along, but I am very peaceable with her mainly because I am very grateful to her mum for letting us stay with her for 3 years which enabled us to get on the property ladder. I did live with her for 3 years so I know her very well. She never really asked me for anything or caused me any problems when I was living with her- she mainly just stays in her room watching videos/writing stories for Patreon, coming down for dinner, occasionally argues with my husband and then stomps out. She is a bit possessive about food she likes- i remember buying her lots of her favourite food for her exclusive use so that she wouldn't tell me off for eating her food but somehow I didn't mind back then as i saw it as a small price to pay! Maybe its because we don't live together anymore that I feel annoyed?

She asked, you couldn’t do it. I really think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

I would do this for almost anyone if I could. She asked if it was possible since you’re WFH and you’re able to tell her that no, it isn’t possible.

@Daisychaincarrot She shouldn't have asked.

Sounds like my teenager, who is currently being assessed for High Functioning ASD

@ExtraOnions

Sounds like my teenager, who is currently being assessed for High Functioning ASD

Oh please! She asked somebody to do her a favour. That doesn't make her autistic!!

No harm in her asking............and you were able to help resolve the issue without having to leave your home.
Fuss over nothing!!!

@Graphista She has Aspergers (as diagnosed by psychologist but her mum doesn't recognize it) and also IBD. She was expelled from her school at 15, went to a FE college afterwards but doesn't seem to have gotten any GCSEs out of it. She took GCSEs as a private candidate but not sure where that is going cos of covid. She lives with her mum (my MIL), FIL left years ago.

I am not sure if its mollycoddling, my MIL just doesn't have any expectations of her children even though she is very loving and caring, its a good job her other 3 children are self motivated

Of course YANBU, she's ridiculous! I don't know why you thought you had to organise someone else for her either. Just a simple "Sorry I can't help you out I'm working" would have been sufficient.

If she's living at same address as mil where was mil/fil (?) in all this?

OP, did she say that she had already asked her parents and they couldn't?

@Andylion her mum is travelling with her and can't. Her other siblings don't live in the same city. Just me and DH in London.

Oh please! She asked somebody to do her a favour. That doesn't make her autistic!!

@KrisAkabusi … yet this was confirmed only two posts later - feel free to apologise !

Ok, I apologise, you were right, but it was a hell of a leap to make with the available information. It also makes the OP even more unreasonable.

@KrisAkabusi Honestly the position about her Aspergers is really quite unclear. she did get a diagnosis from a nhs psychologist when she was 15, and no one followed up on it. Everyone just said the doctors were wrong and even if she had aspergers, it was very minor and it didn't matter.

Should I just be very understanding of her because she has aspergers and can't help what she does or says?

Did the package have to be signed for? Most times when I order something I can put alternative delivery instructions (eg; leave in porch/behind bins) if I may not be in.

I voted YABU because to me it didn't seem worth getting annoyed about. I'd have laughed at her and said You're joking, right? There's absolutely no way I'm going to take a 30 minute bus ride to your house in the middle of my working day!

I mean - she's utterly ridiculous to expect you to do that, but it's so ridiculous and such an obvious No that it's unreasonable to be annoyed.

[quote onlychildhamster]@KrisAkabusi Honestly the position about her Aspergers is really quite unclear. she did get a diagnosis from a nhs psychologist when she was 15, and no one followed up on it. Everyone just said the doctors were wrong and even if she had aspergers, it was very minor and it didn't matter.

Should I just be very understanding of her because she has aspergers and can't help what she does or says?[/quote]
Nope, she needs to learn to adult regardless. It’s not your job.

@KrisAkabusi

Ok, I apologise, you were right, but it was a hell of a leap to make with the available information. It also makes the OP even more unreasonable.

If you live with a “high functioning” or Aspergers Teenager, there was a lot in the post that pointed that way. We are part way through diagnosis, so I’m pretty clued up these days 🙂

It's never unreasonable to ask someone to do you a favour. It is however unreasonable to say yes if you can't or don't want to do it.

I think the ASD is a bit of a drip feed to be honest! In her mind you live in London and are at home all day. She probably has no idea what a working day involves. Out of interest, why ask you and not your DH, her brother? Does he wfh too?

You might need to explain social norms and niceties in a clear and straightforward way to her because she has Autism and because she is only 22. So she was unreasonable, but possibly doesn't have the knowledge to know that her request is unreasonable - a lot of people with autism have to learn social rules which neurotypical people can guess or infer more easily because they don't have a good theory of mind (can't easily imagine what others view or feeling might be).

@HaveringWavering He doesn't wfh, he started a new job so is at canary wharf 5 days a week and sometimes saturday too, usually until 7-9 pm. I am only wfh cos of the pandemic.