AIBU to be so stressed and confused over this?

[croutonfan]

Hey! First time posting and about to hide behind the sofa after I submit.

AIBU to be stressed over this and losing my head?
I really really need some advice on a situation I never thought i’d be in. Please. My head is all over the place. Apologies in advance as it might get long.

So i’ve been with my partner 3 years (known each other 12) with a 20 month old child and my daughter with my ex husband. We got together in the August and he was unsure of what he wanted and called it off in the January, we got back together shortly after and have been solid ever since.

So I have massive trust issues from previous relationships and insecurity about myself. At the beginning of the pandemic I looked in his phone (I know it’s bad.) His sister got married in the October 7ish weeks after we got together. I saw in a message to his sister he asked for the bridesmaids number as he had been flirting with her. After reading the messages it is clear that he didn’t even persue anything and it stopped dead.
I went mental as in my head, we were together and I would never have done anything like that to him. He reassured me nothing happened and he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted etc. I know this is true because 8 weeks after the wedding he broke it off with me stating the same reasons.

We have fought over it occasionally and he struggled to see why I was so upset because it was at a time when we weren’t serious and he broke things off because he wasn’t sure.

We went out this weekend and we bumped into to the bridesmaid. She had no idea about any of this until recently or that he was dating someone at the time. So we chatted it out. At the end of the day she isn’t at fault. It was fine and off she went. She also confirmed nothing happened.
My partner came up to me and told me he was immensely in awe and proud of how I was the bigger person for doing that etc. He was a bit drunk by this point and the words “it was an innocent kiss” left his mouth. I said what!!! To which he replied “you know all this”.

I storm off we argue at home and wake up the next day. He promises there was no kiss just an attempted kiss that didn’t happen and he is more than willing to even book a lie detector test to prove this. I believe him but it’s the intent that was there. Yes we split up shortly afterwards, he didn’t know if we would get serious etc and he didn’t know what he wanted. But in my mind we were together and I just wouldn’t have done that. Before this weekend we have been so solid since getting back together, buying a home and having a child. But I can’t get the image out of my head. I feel sick and it makes me question everything. He apologised profusely but also thinks i’m going way over the top. I don’t think I am.

Thank you if you got to the end. I hope it makes sense. My head is all over the place.

AIBU to be stressing over this?

You need therapy. I’m not being rude- there is soo much to unravel in your post that a brief response would not do it justice - or you any favours. Go to see a councillor

@Thevoiceofreason2021

You need therapy. I’m not being rude- there is soo much to unravel in your post that a brief response would not do it justice - or you any favours. Go to see a councillor

I’ve had lots of therapy. It’s something I have dealt with for years but I don’t think it means that the whole situation is invalid based on my MH matters?

Let it go. By clinging onto this, you are hurting yourself needlessly.

It's either a deal-breaker for you or it isn't. If it is, well, you need to own that. But if it isn't, you need to let it go because nothing you, your partner, his sister or the poor bridesmaid can do can change the past.

OP do you actually want to be with him? If everyone on here said he was a snake and no good and LTB would it make you feel better?
I feel like there is more to this story and that you’re not entirely happy.

@toocold54

OP do you actually want to be with him? If everyone on here said he was a snake and no good and LTB would it make you feel better? I feel like there is more to this story and that you’re not entirely happy.

I absolutely adore him. I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone before. I’ve always thought he was out of my league, not just looks wise but in every aspect. This is possibly where it all stems from. If everyone had said LTB i’d have been devastated so yes i’m quietly pleased the majority vote the opposite.

There really isn’t more to this story. I wonder why everyone is asking that? Is it because it seems so over the top?

There really isn’t more to this story. I wonder why everyone is asking that? Is it because it seems so over the top?.

Honestly, yes.

@Katedanielshasakitty

There really isn’t more to this story. I wonder why everyone is asking that? Is it because it seems so over the top?.

Honestly, yes.

Really? Why though?

Not sure why you had to talk it out with the BM? She did nothing wrong… to be honest he sounds like a dirtbag, and he’s lying to you about the kids, But it was a long time ago!

There really isn’t more to this story. I wonder why everyone is asking that? Is it because it seems so over the top?

Can you not see that’s it’s quite extreme to be upset about something that happened 3 years ago?
I wonder if you were subconsciously hoping everyone would say LTB or you’re trying to push him away as you can’t believe your luck and are so insecure that you think he’s going to end up leaving you.
From what you’ve said he seems like a decent guy and you need to tell yourself he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t like you and bringing up something that happened 3 years like it was a big deal is going to push him away.

@toocold54

There really isn’t more to this story. I wonder why everyone is asking that? Is it because it seems so over the top?

Can you not see that’s it’s quite extreme to be upset about something that happened 3 years ago?
I wonder if you were subconsciously hoping everyone would say LTB or you’re trying to push him away as you can’t believe your luck and are so insecure that you think he’s going to end up leaving you.
From what you’ve said he seems like a decent guy and you need to tell yourself he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t like you and bringing up something that happened 3 years like it was a big deal is going to push him away.

No really quite the opposite. I was hoping people would say i’m being a nob head overreacting. There is no way I want to leave him. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

@AlmostSummer21

For the love of god. He kissed/attempted to kiss and asked his sister for the bridesmaids number BEFORE you'd been together 2 months, BEFORE you bought a house together BEFORE you had a child and BEFORE he broke up with you because he wasn't sure about what he wanted.

Yes, you are being ridiculous to be 'stressing' about this, you are being ridiculous to be 'losing your head' over this.

Give him & yourself a break, it was all BEFORE you got serious and ALL he did was maybe kiss her & get her phone number.

Put it behind you, WAY behind you & get on with your life.you are wasting hours/days/whatever being miserable about something that's not worth the time of day.

Yes 👌👌👌