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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so stressed and confused over this?

61 replies

croutonfan · 26/07/2021 17:04

Hey! First time posting and about to hide behind the sofa after I submit.

AIBU to be stressed over this and losing my head?
I really really need some advice on a situation I never thought i’d be in. Please. My head is all over the place. Apologies in advance as it might get long.

So i’ve been with my partner 3 years (known each other 12) with a 20 month old child and my daughter with my ex husband. We got together in the August and he was unsure of what he wanted and called it off in the January, we got back together shortly after and have been solid ever since.

So I have massive trust issues from previous relationships and insecurity about myself. At the beginning of the pandemic I looked in his phone (I know it’s bad.) His sister got married in the October 7ish weeks after we got together. I saw in a message to his sister he asked for the bridesmaids number as he had been flirting with her. After reading the messages it is clear that he didn’t even persue anything and it stopped dead.
I went mental as in my head, we were together and I would never have done anything like that to him. He reassured me nothing happened and he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted etc. I know this is true because 8 weeks after the wedding he broke it off with me stating the same reasons.

We have fought over it occasionally and he struggled to see why I was so upset because it was at a time when we weren’t serious and he broke things off because he wasn’t sure.

We went out this weekend and we bumped into to the bridesmaid. She had no idea about any of this until recently or that he was dating someone at the time. So we chatted it out. At the end of the day she isn’t at fault. It was fine and off she went. She also confirmed nothing happened.
My partner came up to me and told me he was immensely in awe and proud of how I was the bigger person for doing that etc. He was a bit drunk by this point and the words “it was an innocent kiss” left his mouth. I said what!!! To which he replied “you know all this”.

I storm off we argue at home and wake up the next day. He promises there was no kiss just an attempted kiss that didn’t happen and he is more than willing to even book a lie detector test to prove this. I believe him but it’s the intent that was there. Yes we split up shortly afterwards, he didn’t know if we would get serious etc and he didn’t know what he wanted. But in my mind we were together and I just wouldn’t have done that. Before this weekend we have been so solid since getting back together, buying a home and having a child. But I can’t get the image out of my head. I feel sick and it makes me question everything. He apologised profusely but also thinks i’m going way over the top. I don’t think I am.

Thank you if you got to the end. I hope it makes sense. My head is all over the place.

AIBU to be stressing over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
croutonfan · 26/07/2021 19:36

For all of you siding with the bridesmaid. If you read properly, i’ve clearly put it’s not her fault! I probably should have also added that she bought it up and wanted to clear the air!! Hardly going to shut her down now am I!!

OP posts:
ForeverSausages · 26/07/2021 19:40

You posted in AIBU OP. I do agree you've gone OTT with this. Also think it's weird that the bridesmaid just brought it up randomly, with no input from you or your partner (3 years after the fact). But it's neither here nor there, you don't trust him and that was before going through his phone so I think you know what you should do. Good luck Flowers.

Qwerty789 · 26/07/2021 19:41

Jesus, the drama. it's all very teenage. More worrying is having a kid with him about 5 mins after all this.

Figgyboa · 26/07/2021 20:21

I'd let it go. It happened years ago, you had only just started dating, we're you even exclusive at the time? Not just in your head but acknowledged between the two of you?
You obviously don't trust him since you were checking his phone, you need to work on that. Perhaps counseling/therapy.

AnyOldLion · 26/07/2021 20:27

Let it go.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/07/2021 20:28

All sounds most unlikely.
Nothing happened, but the bridesmaid brought it up three years later because she wanted to clear the air, even though she had no idea about any of this.
And you earned your dh's utter admiration and awe because of this as it showed you as the bigger person?!
I can't make head nor tail of any of it.

WorraLiberty · 26/07/2021 20:41

We went out this weekend and we bumped into to the bridesmaid. She had no idea about any of this until recently

This is the bit I'm curious about.

Who recently told her and why?

Original poster
croutonfan · 26/07/2021 21:05

@WorraLiberty

We went out this weekend and we bumped into to the bridesmaid. She had no idea about any of this until recently

This is the bit I'm curious about.

Who recently told her and why?

My sister in law recently told her. She wanted to come and see me to have some work done in my. My sister in law thought ahh crap i’m going to have to tell her! Literal coincidence that we bump into her a couple of weeks after this!
OP posts:
Original poster
croutonfan · 26/07/2021 21:06

why unlikely? I’ve been absolutely doing my own head in. Most definitely don’t have time to be posting sheer boll*cks on MN!

OP posts:
Original poster
croutonfan · 26/07/2021 21:06

@GreyhoundG1rl

All sounds most unlikely. Nothing happened, but the bridesmaid brought it up three years later because she wanted to clear the air, even though she had no idea about any of this. And you earned your dh's utter admiration and awe because of this as it showed you as the bigger person?! I can't make head nor tail of any of it.
why unlikely? I’ve been absolutely doing my own head in. Most definitely don’t have time to be posting sheer boll*cks on MN
OP posts:
Katedanielshasakitty · 26/07/2021 21:12

Wtf? So your sister in law is now involved in this?

She told the bridesmaid and on a night out you decided to clear the air? This is all so bizarre.

It was years ago. You knew he wasn't sure about the relationship. As he broke up with you. You chose to get back together, knowing he had a period where he wasn't sure.

You have now fallen out and your sil is involved the poor bridesmaid has been involved and all these problems.

Can you not see all the drama and how pointless it is.

You need to decide if you can move past it or not. Then make your decision.

toocold54 · 26/07/2021 21:28

OP what are you stressed and confused about? The fact that the bridesmaid mentioned it or the fact the initial incident happened?

If you are stressed out because he potentially kissed someone else I would forget if as you were in the early stages of the relationship and you say your relationship is solid now so don’t let it worry you.

cunningartificer · 26/07/2021 21:49

You are being unreasonable.

Hannayeah · 26/07/2021 21:55

I think you are being unreasonable given that you not been together for any length of time and had no serious commitment.

I also think it’s unreasonable to get pregnant with someone so soon after they expressed uncertainty about the relationship. Maybe that has exacerbated your insecurity. But I think you are being completely unreasonable with him now. And going through his phone like a forensic investigator is really not healthy or acceptable.

FilthyforFirth · 26/07/2021 22:07

Sweet jesus you sound batshit

HTH

PerciphonePuma · 26/07/2021 22:28

You are definitely not compatible with this man. You also need to address your issues before finding a new relationship

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 22:37

This is all very odd considering you’d been together seven weeks when this happened

It’s all so over the top. And odd.

MindTheBumps · 26/07/2021 23:21

Why would It even be an issue 3 years down the line? You were so new and not committed, you knew he was unsure. Ultimately he chose to be with you and won you back and presumably never given you reason to worry since?

You need to let it go.

Original poster
croutonfan · 27/07/2021 08:46

@MindTheBumps

Why would It even be an issue 3 years down the line? You were so new and not committed, you knew he was unsure. Ultimately he chose to be with you and won you back and presumably never given you reason to worry since?

You need to let it go.

No never given me cause to worry since x
OP posts:
thebeesknees123 · 27/07/2021 09:04

To be honest, gut feeling, I don't like the sound of this guy. I hate all this I'm confused stuff. He wasn't confused. He just fancied the bridesmaid at that point and the grass was greener. Who knows what might have happened if she'd been more up for it? Would you still be together?

I also dislike the way he praises you for being a bigger person. It is so patronising. Are you really or is he just taking you for a ride?

It might be 3 years ago for him but it's recent news for you and you have just found out there's more to it but, even then, you can’t be sure how much more. Three years isn't very long anyway

Do you really have trust issues or is it the men you pick? He sounds as slippery as hell. Obviously, you have a child together but that's no reason to sweep it under the carpet

Original poster
croutonfan · 27/07/2021 10:21

@thebeesknees123

To be honest, gut feeling, I don't like the sound of this guy. I hate all this I'm confused stuff. He wasn't confused. He just fancied the bridesmaid at that point and the grass was greener. Who knows what might have happened if she'd been more up for it? Would you still be together?

I also dislike the way he praises you for being a bigger person. It is so patronising. Are you really or is he just taking you for a ride?

It might be 3 years ago for him but it's recent news for you and you have just found out there's more to it but, even then, you can’t be sure how much more. Three years isn't very long anyway

Do you really have trust issues or is it the men you pick? He sounds as slippery as hell. Obviously, you have a child together but that's no reason to sweep it under the carpet

Harrowing to read but thank you for being so honest Smile
OP posts:
SallyCinnamon3009 · 27/07/2021 10:25

@ForeverSausages

For you to have seen those messages, you must have gone back some 3 years worth of messages? I get the trust issues and insecurities but I'm not sure there's anything he can do or say to reassure you? It was 3 years ago and he split up with shortly after. I'm also surprised the "OW" gave you the time of day, and she has a lot of respect from me.
Pretty much this! Never go looking through peoples phones you will always find something to be upset over.
SD1978 · 27/07/2021 10:25

7 weeks isn't a relationship, it's an introduction phase. He then broke off your fledging relationship, as he wasn't sure what he wanted. Then you both decided to give it another go. Three years later you're still hung up on this?! Is there more to it?

Waspsarearseholes · 27/07/2021 10:36

I'm just curious as to how this conversation would have gone. Did the bridesmaid just approach you and say, "Hi, you don't know me but I'm your boyfriend's sister's friend. I've just found out that three years ago your boyfriend fancied me but I wasn't interested. I hope you don't hate me. Ok thanks, probably won't see you ever again, bye".
Weird. I can't imagine ever having a conversation with my friend's brother's girlfriend to 'clear the air' on a night out after not even knowing he fancied me once, three years ago. This whole thing just screams high school drama.

Original poster
croutonfan · 27/07/2021 10:37

@SD1978

7 weeks isn't a relationship, it's an introduction phase. He then broke off your fledging relationship, as he wasn't sure what he wanted. Then you both decided to give it another go. Three years later you're still hung up on this?! Is there more to it?
Absolutely nothing more to it at all. I suffer from OCD so I think this co tributes to my obsessional thinking to it. Rumination.
OP posts: