Separated Parents

[CuppaTeaNeeded]

Why do people separate and then expect their Ex to become a super parent?

They did rarely any parenting when they were together, we’re tight with money, prioritised social time above family time etc.

Then once they arrange contact, they resident parent suddenly expects the non resident to become a model parent, spend quality time with them and not offload duties to their parents, new partner etc and willingly give extra money on top of CSA etc?

You put up with all of this when living together, often having second or third children, why do you expect more now?

What are you on about?? Who's expecting more?
If someone separates then of course they'll expect the other parent to actually parent when the children are there.. it's hardly being a super-parent to look after your own kids when they're with you.

90% of the mumsnet posters complaining about the Ex’s care of the their children.

Who are you talking to exactly?

90%? That’s very precise.

Yanbu.

@AnneLovesGilbert

90%? That’s very precise.

Ok approximately 90%, is that better?

I suspect you know exactly what I mean

ODFOD. Your ignorance is embarrassing. Educate yourself. Just have a bit of a think.

And whilst you’re at it, have a bit of a think about the misogyny you promote when blaming women for men’s piss poor behaviour.

@Getawaywithit

ODFOD. Your ignorance is embarrassing. Educate yourself. Just have a bit of a think.

And whilst you’re at it, have a bit of a think about the misogyny you promote when blaming women for men’s piss poor behaviour.

Where have I mentioned Men / Women?

Don’t be so disingenuous. The vast majority of the posts you are mentioning are women about men.

I think after separating the resident parent can't pick up the slack for ex when not there and is less likely to overlook their ex's bad points than they may have been when together.

So your suggestion is?

Put up and shut up wimmen, you knew!

Or stay together and sacrifice yourself wimmen!

Or don't post your frustrations on the internet wimmen, no one wants to hear about your petty soul crushing problems!

Interesting.

I don’t expect my ex to be a super dad but I also didn’t expect him to disappear completely 😒 silly me

@CuppaTeaNeeded

Why do people separate and then expect their Ex to become a super parent?

They did rarely any parenting when they were together, we’re tight with money, prioritised social time above family time etc.

Then once they arrange contact, they resident parent suddenly expects the non resident to become a model parent, spend quality time with them and not offload duties to their parents, new partner etc and willingly give extra money on top of CSA etc?

You put up with all of this when living together, often having second or third children, why do you expect more now?

So what’s your answer?

I separated and divorced because I had to. Would you expect my children not to have any contact with their dad?

I expected the basics - feed them, wash them and supervise them adequately.

I never got a penny of maintenance by the way.

Probably because once people separate they have no option but to hand their kids over to someone they know is a bit of a lazy parent (at best) and it's frustrating.

I kind of see where you are coming from.

I think it's because when you do separate all the excuses for the tolerated behaviour don't wash anymore. As you get stronger, bit by bit you learn to stand up for yourself and draw lines in the sand. You stop meekly accepting 2nd rate and demand more for your kids.
I guess what goes with that is that you involve friends and family by talking about it. Your outrage comes out and you verbalise it to those closest to you. I think it's part of the process of healing, getting stronger and moving on. The anger that comes with the grief of mourning the loss of hope for the marriage.
I can see it must be annoying to listen to. But it's a stage people go through.

People just hope for the best for their children I think. They want their coparent to coparent well because it's in the child's interests. But I don't think many are surprised when they turn out to be just as useless separately as they were together. More frustrated and angry.

@Monday26July

People just hope for the best for their children I think. They want their coparent to coparent well because it's in the child's interests. But I don't think many are surprised when they turn out to be just as useless separately as they were together. More frustrated and angry.

I agree, and I think it must be so hard when you have done almost all of the parenting alone since having children and then you have to hand over that control to your ex when you know exactly how they will operate.

I do think sometimes people get the hump about their exes taking the children to their grandmother's because they want them to have to experience the hard work of looking after children alone. But it's a losing battle and tbh a lot of times it seems like the children would have a better time with their dad at their nan's anyway.

I know what you mean OP. Some people are being willingly obtuse.

To be honest, I never held up much hope when me and my ex split up.

In an ideal world, upon splitting up, your ex would miraculously have a personality transplant and be a better parent, but that’s not going to happen in a lot of cases. So I think a lot of people set themselves up for huge disappointment because they’re expecting the impossible.

I knew my ex would be shit.

I don’t owe him my silence any more and I’m not there to mitigate for him

Where have I mentioned Men / Women?

When you said it was "90% of the Mumsnet posters complaining..."

Your post only applies if they were shit/lazy/disinterested before though.

XH was rarely about to do the slog of childbearing when we were together but I absolutely expected him to step up when he fucked off. He is their parent. He learnt how to do it and got on with it.

Also. I was a SAHM and he worked long long hours. It was literally my job to parent them he didn’t do much before we split.

So what's your answer? Should people remain in shit marriages so they're there to pick up the parenting slack? Or should one parent have no expectation that they should be there for their child? You do realize that contact with both parents is considered in the best interest of the child, it's not to do with what the other parent wants for their own good, right?

As it happens, my ex did get a lot better about parenting after we separated. He couldn't count on me just picking up the slack and taking care of things to keep the peace and get our child taken care of anymore. But he loves her and didn't want to miss out on contact with her, so he stepped up and does his bit now with all that tedious day to day parenting stuff when she's with him.

Unfortunately that's not the case with all separated parents, but I'm not sure it's doing children any favours to set the bar so low it's seen as nothing to complain about when one of them checks out of parenting.

@CuppaTeaNeeded

Why do people separate and then expect their Ex to become a super parent?

They did rarely any parenting when they were together, we’re tight with money, prioritised social time above family time etc.

Then once they arrange contact, they resident parent suddenly expects the non resident to become a model parent, spend quality time with them and not offload duties to their parents, new partner etc and willingly give extra money on top of CSA etc?

You put up with all of this when living together, often having second or third children, why do you expect more now?

Well I’m only for 90% good parenting for the 4 days a months that he has then. It’s not really much to ask. Yes he’s a looser but surely he can give his all for a few days a month

My ex is a useless sack of shit, he just is, checked out of parenting once the second baby was born pretty much. I don’t expect him to be anything other than useless. However, as their father he absolutely should be expected to feed them, clothe them and keep them safe as a bare minimum. That expectation isn’t much to ask. He doesn’t do it to a high standard but he does enough to keep them alive on their (rare) visits to see him. If he wasn’t capable of even that they wouldn’t go.