Separated Parents

[CuppaTeaNeeded]

Why do people separate and then expect their Ex to become a super parent?

They did rarely any parenting when they were together, we’re tight with money, prioritised social time above family time etc.

Then once they arrange contact, they resident parent suddenly expects the non resident to become a model parent, spend quality time with them and not offload duties to their parents, new partner etc and willingly give extra money on top of CSA etc?

You put up with all of this when living together, often having second or third children, why do you expect more now?

@SoupDragon

Where have I mentioned Men / Women?

When you said it was "90% of the Mumsnet posters complaining..."

We’ve established many times that mumsnet is open to anyone and everyone, not just mums or even parents.

@PicaK

I kind of see where you are coming from.

I think it's because when you do separate all the excuses for the tolerated behaviour don't wash anymore. As you get stronger, bit by bit you learn to stand up for yourself and draw lines in the sand. You stop meekly accepting 2nd rate and demand more for your kids.
I guess what goes with that is that you involve friends and family by talking about it. Your outrage comes out and you verbalise it to those closest to you. I think it's part of the process of healing, getting stronger and moving on. The anger that comes with the grief of mourning the loss of hope for the marriage.
I can see it must be annoying to listen to. But it's a stage people go through.

That’s a really fair point.

@SoupDragon

Your post only applies if they were shit/lazy/disinterested before though.

XH was rarely about to do the slog of childbearing when we were together but I absolutely expected him to step up when he fucked off. He is their parent. He learnt how to do it and got on with it.

Yes it does your right. If they parented well whilst in a relationship, I totally get the upset.

But if they literally were not interested, they are very unlikely to start doing anything other then literally keeping them alive.

So if that’s what they do, I’m not allowed to complain about it? Because I don’t owe them silence anymore and because I expected more of them?

I really don’t get what you’re trying to say here, other than make some single parents feel shit.

Who says the posters expected anything, let alone super parenting? Usually it goes:

They split up, ex wants shared care.
Ex is shit parent.
RP (nearly always mother) watches in horror as shitshow of neglectful incompetent parenting emerges.
RP posts on Mumsnet to get advice on how bad things need to get before she intervenes.

At no stage was there an expectation things would turn out differently.

Do you think women leave because it will make their exes great parents?

We’ve established many times that mumsnet is open to anyone and everyone, not just mums or even parents.

Gosh, really? I never knew! Would someone who isn't a parent be complain about how their ex is parenting their non existent children?

The point is that most of the posters doing the complaining (and these are the people who the OP references) are indeed women.

Because by law we have to hand them over to their other parent

Are you really that ill educated you dont understand this

And by law you can’t stop them using grandparents and new partners to help look after the children or also ask for another other then CMS contribution.

I really don’t get your point. Honestly.

I didn’t even get a penny in maintenance.

His Mother used to have the kids dumped on her all weekend on his weekends and she kept them. Did their washing and sent food parcels too.

Or am I not allowed to say that in your view? Why not? It’s the truth.

@CuppaTeaNeeded

And by law you can’t stop them using grandparents and new partners to help look after the children or also ask for another other then CMS contribution.

You can ask for more money they can say no so there is no law against asking

Also you kind of can stop them dumping the children on latest partner or grandparents because contact is for the child's benefit distant friend of mine successfully argued before the courts that time with the grandparents was not contact time with dad therfore she required an adjustment due to the children wanting there parent not grandparents care the court agreed that it was Unreasonable to spend 50% of there time with grandparents when they clearly didn't want to be there so pushed the custody agreement in favour of the mum she then took those findings to csa (when it was csa) and they upped the child maintenance because the children were having zero overnight with dad and overnight care with grandparents doesnt count towards reductions only overnights with dad

@Iwastheparanoidex

I really don’t get your point. Honestly.

Literally isn't one its another "you stupid people post again" refuses to acknowledge its talking about women 🙄 and goads and baits just a little to keep it going honestly its not that difficult to understand by law you can't just cut a parent off without reason and get away with it this sounds like my firstborn father apparently asking for regular days and times was making things too difficult for him so he didn't bother seeing his child at all this was absolutely MY FAULT then when I remarried 8 years later they (he remarried) seriously expected that my then husband was financially responsible for the child and they were no longer required by law to pay especially as I "stopped contact" surely they should continue to pay nothing and get away with it 🙄