Been picked on my whole life, anyone else?

[Rosalie21]

Don’t want this to sound like a woe is me thread, as I have been very lucky in life in many ways and I know that many people experience bullying.
I was bullied from year 7 to year 12 in some capacity (I’m 30 now). Called names and ‘friends’ who ostracised me from groups. I remember some girls just took a massive disliking to me and said they hated me and I literally done nothing towards them. I didn’t even speak to them yet they were vile to me.
Randomly called ugly by people I didn’t even know at school.
Luckily after 17 that sort of bullying subsided but then it reoccurred at work. A girl who really hated me and again I was nothing but kind to her. Would go round offering everybody chewing gum in front of me and not me, would be very passive aggressive and shout “who the fuck did this!” In front of us all if I had made a mistake. One day I had bad hayfever and they were writing on Facebook that it was “dirty” to be sneezing like that.
Eventually she apologised and is nice if I see her around today.
I’ve had it in the workplace a few times now in different jobs. Managers, seniors whatever who are so rude and speak to me like a piece of dirt. I’ve reported two of them which helped at least.
Most adults have grown out of bullying luckily but at a job last week I saw one girl do an impression of me behind my back and another one whisper.
Honestly I remain professional at work but if it were out of work now I would tell them straight what I thought of them.
Ive had one or two ‘frenemies’ and I know people have spoken behind my back.
There will always be nastiness wherever I go I guess. It makes me not trust people as I just assume they don’t like me or will talk behind my back. I don’t have many friends and I’m quite wary I guess.
Anyone else experienced this? Were you able to overcome it? Thank you

I've experienced it, yes. I'm 48 and think it gets better with age as people mature and as my own self-esteem has gradually improved. In my case I think the reasons for it are my own lack of confidence due to an abusive childhood which bullies easily pick up on. Also the fact that I don't really fit in well with other people around me due to my accent, appearance, etc. I don't have any easy answers for you but just wanted to say that you're not alone.

I’m glad to hear it’s gotten better for you. It’s so common sadly, working in schools I’ve seen it a lot. I was and still am shy and quiet with a lack of confidence and I guess they pick up on that too. I have to remember it’s them who have the problem, not me.

Your early life experiences have, not surprisingly, influenced your adult view of other people which in turn has made you wary of developing relationships both inside and outside of work. Have a read through of this article as it explains the concept of core beliefs and how they can be challenged and changed.

Thank you for the article, I’ll read it now. I just feel sad that it’s happening as an adult still, not all the time but in some workplaces. Those two doing an impression of me are pathetic, but they’re well established permanent staff members and I was just there on agency so I feel like I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

Therapy would help you OP

Yes - primary school, secondary school, workplaces. Bullied, belittled, ostracised repeatedly. Consensus was it was my own fault for being so sensitive, not reading social cues properly and in a work context being "useless". I'm actually neurodivergent - diagnosed with ADHD this year. Probably autistic too but not yet diagnosed.

Things are slightly better now as I have more protections in work but for the most part I absolutely avoid people. More than small talk means I could potentially be in the firing line again so I'm politely avoidant when it comes to people overall.

What awful experiences. I've been there.
Some people only respect other people who they perceive as too strong to tread on, so people with obvious confidence, high status through money or connections etc. These kind of people seem to be triggered by the gentle or the shy and show a nasty side. I despise them. There are many lovely people in the world who treat people as they would wish to be treated unless that person is horrid to them, these are the people with a solid middle of decency and honour, I seek them out and make it my business to only have this kind as my friend. These are the people I respect.
Seems you've found a lot of the horrid sort. They exist and that's poop. There are two ways to tackle it, either do all you can to avoid them which can be very limiting but effective (until you can't avoid one for whatever reason), or try to emulate an outward confidence to make yourself less of an easy target for these low life's. This can be difficult if you don't find it easy to tap into that 'head held high don't mess with me' attitude. I have been a in a similar position to you and took the second approach with success - over time. I did it by watching people it seemed to come naturally to and copying them, one mannerism at a time.
It felt alien at first and as though I had a huge sign on my head saying 'who are you trying to kid' but gradually it felt more natural and now I don't have to think about it. Occasionally I revert to old no confidence me, if something exceptional takes the wind out of my sails, but it can be done and then shit people (who are rotten in their core imo) think twice before making you a target.

You get bullies in every walk of life. People that are so insecure that the only way they can function is to demean other people. Call them out, every single time, at the time. If you see someone mocking you, ask them brightly, 'sorry, I didn't catch that? Were you talking to me?' or similar. Watch them crawl in a hole and die (hopefully :) )

I was bullied by my younger sister, who was Mum's golden child. When I told DH about a lot of my childhood, he was genuinely horrified and I guess that I just never saw it.

We went NC about 3 years ago, and I can't tell you how much better I feel as a person. I'm having to self isolate at the moment as DD's BF has had a very mild dose of Covid. My sister has caused absolute chaos with both our parents, demanding this and that. All grey rocked and had no impact on me whatsoever.

Thanks for the replies. My method up to now has been to report them and just change jobs ASAP really which is a shame, as I’ve left jobs I really enjoyed otherwise.
I guess I can be quite avoidant, I don’t want to work with people either who are civil but secretly despise me, I’d rather just work on my own

I guess I can be quite avoidant, I don’t want to work with people either who are civil but secretly despise me, I’d rather just work on my own

Have you thought that maybe it;s more you than it is everyone else. I know a woman who talks very much like you, says everyone bullies her, everyone is mean, she doesn't understand why, she reports people in every job (of which she has had many, as she can't keep them) for bullying.
In reality SHE is incredibly rude and nasty to everyone, but doesn't think she is. She is manipulative and causes trouble but always blames everyone else for the problems caused. IT's exhausting to be around her and after a short time, people avoid her and cut her out of things....thereby to her providing proof of bullying...and the cycle goes on and on.

It's different strategy you need if you have one person you need out of your life like spinning.
Maybe your approach is best for you but perhaps you should consider whether removing yourself whenever this happens is really the best way of whether it's just been the easiest way so far and could you develop other tools. What happens if you are somewhere you really want to be and along comes one rubbish person, if you could stand your ground and get them to give you space would that be better than melting away.
A lot of people like this will back off if you shine a light on it and look them in the eye.
The 'essential core you' should have a personal life that fits like a glove and creates no friction, where you can be your true self. but it is unrealistic to expect that in all areas of your life, you almost need another layer to put on for work situations so that you can occupy a space in this world without shrinking before these poop heads, or they will dictate your life.

The secret is to not care, and not take any crap.

I agree with pp, sometimes the solution is within, if you are shy, quiet and avoidant you aren't giving the impression respect is expected. Rubbish though it is, the reality is that only the people inclined to be kind and supportive to anyone (not just people they love or need) will not be tempted to wipe their feet on you.
Whatever you accept you can expect. It's a jungle out there, people respond to body language and no-one wants to be bottom of the heap.

@pleasedonttextmyman

The secret is to not care, and not take any crap.

So much more succinct than me. 😆😆

It's hard but do look at your own behaviour as a pp said. I know a woman who could have made this post (I don't think you're her though as some details are different). Anyway, I only knew her at school so can't comment on work etc but there are two sides to every story and I always think about her when I read posts like this. She had friends and people who were nice to her but they weren't good enough and she only wanted to hang out with the "cool kids". She actually said to one of our friends that she didn't want to hang out with her any more as said friend was bringing down her image. We didn't hang out with her after that and in her mind we're probably the bullies.

I think you have to accept that some people won't like you. Especially if you're shy and quiet it can sometimes come off as standoffish and rude (I know that I'm like this sometimes). If I were you I'd focus on building relationships with people who you do get on with and who are less superficial about you being shy or whatever, screw everyone else. They don't all have to like you.

Yes.

All thorough my life. I tend to stay away from people now.

OP, do you view people not liking you, but working with you civilly as bullying you? I think perhaps the bullying you received at school has coloured your view of interpersonal interactions now, as yes if you see yourself as always being the victim it will turn people off you.

Yep, I'm autistic. Probably why.

It almost always seems to be women who bully other women in my experience. So much for female solidarity.

I think a lot of this has to do with assertiveness skills. I was brought up in a dysfunctional family that never directly confronted hurtful behaviour either inside the family or outside.

It took me a while to realise that some people perceive a lack of assertiveness in others and then proceed to push and test your boundaries because they know you won't defend yourself. Perhaps an assertiveness course would enable you to stand up for yourself as soon as someone tries it on. Weirdly you will gain more respect from others and won't need to keep moving on. Unfortunately there are disrespectful arseholes everywhere. You need to be able to manage them.

@sleepygnome

It almost always seems to be women who bully other women in my experience. So much for female solidarity.

It always seems to be women who complain about bullying whether oits there or not.

Female solidarity? I don't have to be best friends with 52% of the planet merely because we all have vaginas.

Please don't take this too harshly, but if it's various groups of unrelated people then I do think the issue might be you. I do think therapy might be helpful to help you find out why.

Yanbu OP.
Not having been treated well as a child damaged my self esteem and lowered my standards. I've had loads of friends and great colleagues but ALSO been bullied a lot. It's not unusual for a narcissistic type to take exception to me.

It's happened quite a bit at work and I've generally moved on as well although ive called it out when things became desperate.