Been picked on my whole life, anyone else?

[Rosalie21]

Don’t want this to sound like a woe is me thread, as I have been very lucky in life in many ways and I know that many people experience bullying.
I was bullied from year 7 to year 12 in some capacity (I’m 30 now). Called names and ‘friends’ who ostracised me from groups. I remember some girls just took a massive disliking to me and said they hated me and I literally done nothing towards them. I didn’t even speak to them yet they were vile to me.
Randomly called ugly by people I didn’t even know at school.
Luckily after 17 that sort of bullying subsided but then it reoccurred at work. A girl who really hated me and again I was nothing but kind to her. Would go round offering everybody chewing gum in front of me and not me, would be very passive aggressive and shout “who the fuck did this!” In front of us all if I had made a mistake. One day I had bad hayfever and they were writing on Facebook that it was “dirty” to be sneezing like that.
Eventually she apologised and is nice if I see her around today.
I’ve had it in the workplace a few times now in different jobs. Managers, seniors whatever who are so rude and speak to me like a piece of dirt. I’ve reported two of them which helped at least.
Most adults have grown out of bullying luckily but at a job last week I saw one girl do an impression of me behind my back and another one whisper.
Honestly I remain professional at work but if it were out of work now I would tell them straight what I thought of them.
Ive had one or two ‘frenemies’ and I know people have spoken behind my back.
There will always be nastiness wherever I go I guess. It makes me not trust people as I just assume they don’t like me or will talk behind my back. I don’t have many friends and I’m quite wary I guess.
Anyone else experienced this? Were you able to overcome it? Thank you

In response to PP I can assure you that I am not nasty or rude to people like the woman you mention in your post.
Even if I am making some mistakes in my job for instance, that isn’t the way to deal with it.

The person who said “get tf over it and grow up”, guessing you were/are a bully?

I will take a look at myself though, I think I am friendly, kind and polite, I smile at people but I am shy and quiet and this may be taken the wrong way.

In any case I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve bullying. It’s not everybody, there have always been lovely people too, but I just really want to become assertive and stop these others.

Me as well. From secondary school onwards. Have been told I am too sensitive/thin-skinned. Doesn’t really help to be told that. I can’t suddenly stop being sensitive. It’s the way I am made. Can people stop being unkind bullies? Maybe.

Currently being subject to some passive aggressive bullying/ostracising by SIL which has been going on for some years. I cannot think of a single thing I have ever done…always tried to be kind and nonjudgmental. To be honest, I have now given up trying.

I used to hope that people would “mature” and stop this kind of thing but experience tells me it doesn’t happen. Sad to say, I have rarely suffered as the result of men, mainly women. I tend to get on better with men for that reason.

My bullying has mainly been from women too but this does not mean that ‘women are bitches’. There are a lot of lovely and kind women, this is just what my experience has been.

I was waiting for someone to jump on and say the problem is you!

I dont think that's particularly helpful even to end if with suggesting therapy to find out why.

We are all so different and people need to be tolerant not see someone who is different/less confident/less assertive as someone who they can take the piss out of or put down or dismiss as not worth bothering about.

OP, sorry you've met a lot of dickheads in your life. You will find people who aren't like this.

It takes time but not all people are tossers and you aren't always going to be "that one" who is not part of the gang.

I've moved away from trying to be one of the group and have a good handful of really lovely one on one friendships

Start looking at things differently. They are are not worth it and you should find out what sort of situations you are good in.

Best of luck.

Maybe look at body language - I can't see it myself (though I'm aware I can hunch over to hide large breast which I had at a young age and have got a lot of unwanted attention with) but I can in one of my DC it's sort of submissive stance - then fake it till you make it with practising confident body language.

(I'm think of making a corset to help with posture and how I hold myself but haven't yet)

Apparently I'm quite deceptive people thinK I'm a push over then find I'm not - though I think thats' come with age and motherhood though DH used to say even in my 20s I got strident - got to the point where I was just DONE.

I think my inital probelms were shyness and quietness, dyspraxia making it harder for me to read people and an overcritical family - then I've been molded by that going into adulthood.

Forgot to say, at work, i dont try to make friends. I try to get a long with people, I have one or two people who I enjoy chatting with but I don't want to be part of a clique. I am fine sitting alone at lunch or I might join someone's table but I don't force things.

I just smile, behave appropriately/try to show confidence and don't try to do too much small talk. as I've found it hard breaking into work groups even though i've been there a few years.

It’s a tough one. People feel like they can say whatever they want. The new one is when they treat you like crap and then all of a sudden they are friendly like their past behaviour has been automatically excused.

It’s a tough one. If you speak up, you are being difficult, causing a scene, making enemies, holding a grudge. Ive not responded to comments or tried to be diplomatic but my new year resolution is to call out bad behaviour to me in a blunt manner if needs be. Not saying anything doesn’t get you anywhere.

The only behaviour you can change here is your own, OP. It sounds to me as if your early experience of being bullied at school has led to you putting in place behavioural mechanisms that may have served you well as a survival thing in your school days, but which are no longer working. You can’t go on letting bullying happen and quitting.

Therapy would help you unpick this, and the biases and behaviours you’re carrying with you from childhood which either make you a more likely bullying ‘target’ or perceive yourself to be so.

Do think honestly also about what @BananaSnowman and @CallMeNutribullet said, even if your first response is that it doesn’t apply and is unfair. I also used to work with someone — for whom I did my best, but from whom I’ve now distanced myself — who viewed herself as the victim of bullying by colleagues, our line manager, HR and OT, when even my sympathetic eyes could see this wasn’t the case. She simply overlooked instances of fair treatment and kindness and zoned in on anything she considered unfair. Which was, in several of the cases I saw personally, simply a matter of her having overstretched someone’s patience when they’d been going above and beyond for a long period.

I could have written your post, OP.

My life has been very similar (am early 40s) No real advice from me really but just know you are not alone in feeling this way.

Shocked at some of the comments here.

I have been there. The only way to get a bully to back down is to stand up to them. It's hard and something I struggle with. A well timed " off" (if appropriate ie/ not at work) or a MN special "did you mean to be so rude?" has them on the back foot and suddenly they don't look so clever.

I'm definitely not a rude or mean person, I'm kind, caring, thoughtful and forgiving. That seems to wind some people up for some reason.

Some people are just nasty.

Ive often found that is someone you scarcely know is rude to you without cause the best response it to pick them up for it at once. They may not ever like you but you have laid down the ground rules and forced them to respect you.

Same with neighbours. I hate the bloody creatures and avoid them wherever possible. Never ever give them phone number or personal information. I like to keep it on a polite and distant "hello" basis with no chats over the fence and in for coffee.

I am self-aware enough to know that I am not universally liked. I do have friends but I think I probably make them slower than other people. If I started work somewhere new, it would be a while until I got invited to a social event (if ever) but I definitely don’t get bullied. I think this is because I seem more confident than I am, and I come across as independent and assertive.
Conversely, one of my dearest friends is someone who is constantly picked on. She has had 2 marriages end in divorce and experienced bullying behaviour for several years beforehand (from her DH who outwardly seemed friendly and kind) and she has been badly bullied in several workplaces. She is sweet, gentle and consistently pleasant but she does have a ‘needy’ quality which I think provokes some people and is exploited by others. It’s hard to explain but she is indecisive and a bit disorganised and despite being a consistently friendly, nice person I can see that she gives some others the rage. I can’t understand how anyone could be unkind to her (it’d be like kicking a puppy) and yet people often are and I suspect it’s her slightly child-like quality that sets them off.

I was shy and quiet too with a tendency to attract bullies as a younger person. Bullies hone in on shy people because they choose their victims carefully and won’t attack those who they know will stand up to them. It gets better - with maturity and experience you gain confidence. I would recommend therapy too because you will gain self-knowledge, learn assertiveness and how to care for yourself and realise your own uniqueness and that in itself will help you to gain confidence and give you an advantage - bullying types are rarely self-aware or have any insight to speak of.

TBH I think this sort of thing is quite common sadly .Some people are bitchy by nature .For younger women it often seems worse .As they mature a little better maybe .Perhaps why working from home might be so popular!

I'm sorry you've been picked on Rosalie as I was bullied too, especially when I was younger so I understand how it feels. I think those of us who are quiet tend to attract bullies - it can die down if you give as good as you get so they realise that you're not a pushover, especially if you call it out in front of their peers (who join in through fear) and make them look silly, though it can backfire.

However, if you leave a job because of it you're then 'the new girl' and can attract them all over again. Remember that inside every bully is a coward - I wish I'd known that before. When I look back I regret not putting them down and also I should have reported it (though it wasn't taken very seriously then). Times have changed a little for the better so take heart OP.

My BFF has gone through life ( I've known her since we were 4, so 40 years) feeling 'picked on' and hard done by, particularly in the workplace. She falls out with people very easily as she has a temper and blows up at them, she's had lots of issues around work as she's unreliable but it's always the 'dickhead' or 'bitch' boss whoa are at fault.
Truth is - no-one ever really has picked on her. She's deeply insecure because of an unusual childhood, flies off the handle and can really take offence at things that should just be let go.
I would say that if there are so many people from different times in your life and different areas then you would probably benefit from therapy of some kind to deal with this and explore how YOU are with people.
I love my friend dearly, but am probably one of the few people who can put up with her scattiness, moods etc.

@Rosalie21

Don’t want this to sound like a woe is me thread, as I have been very lucky in life in many ways and I know that many people experience bullying. I was bullied from year 7 to year 12 in some capacity (I’m 30 now). Called names and ‘friends’ who ostracised me from groups. I remember some girls just took a massive disliking to me and said they hated me and I literally done nothing towards them. I didn’t even speak to them yet they were vile to me. Randomly called ugly by people I didn’t even know at school. Luckily after 17 that sort of bullying subsided but then it reoccurred at work. A girl who really hated me and again I was nothing but kind to her. Would go round offering everybody chewing gum in front of me and not me, would be very passive aggressive and shout “who the fuck did this!” In front of us all if I had made a mistake. One day I had bad hayfever and they were writing on Facebook that it was “dirty” to be sneezing like that. Eventually she apologised and is nice if I see her around today. I’ve had it in the workplace a few times now in different jobs. Managers, seniors whatever who are so rude and speak to me like a piece of dirt. I’ve reported two of them which helped at least. Most adults have grown out of bullying luckily but at a job last week I saw one girl do an impression of me behind my back and another one whisper. Honestly I remain professional at work but if it were out of work now I would tell them straight what I thought of them. Ive had one or two ‘frenemies’ and I know people have spoken behind my back. There will always be nastiness wherever I go I guess. It makes me not trust people as I just assume they don’t like me or will talk behind my back. I don’t have many friends and I’m quite wary I guess. Anyone else experienced this? Were you able to overcome it? Thank you

OP in very practical environments I've always worked with awesome people who would never do this, but in another environment (different industry) I had quite a few bad experiences similar to you. I'm not sure why it is, but always remember the problem is with them and not you.

I've found it vaires in workplaces and environments and sectors as well - some worse than others.

I've also found people are always quick to blame you even - though I've usually found by talking to people that that the people doing it always have prior form.

I was only suggesting body language as something practical that might help - but distance - polite and proffessional in work place - and having boundaries and doing something when people cross them however mildly does help - even if it's a look or still quiet then comment like what does that mean.

I did get bullied a little bit in Primary school, but luckily had friends who would stick up for me.
In secondary school it was mostly random older kids on the bus who would be nasty to anyone and everyone. I was practically mute as a child due to severe social anxiety, I think I just became invisible to bullies. I wasn't fun to pick on as I didn't react.

My ex's sister was a lovely woman but she was always being bullied. All through school she got bullied very badly. At uni she had a friend, but the friend was more a "frienemy" type.
Then various jobs she would get bullied and end up leaving.
I really liked her but there was just something about her that bullies latched on to. I'm not sure what it was.