NC for this post.
I have a poor relationship with my mother. I’m pretty sure she abused me as a teen, emotionally and physically, i think there was neglect too.
I really could use a second opinion here, am I crazy? Being gaslit? Is what happened actually child abuse? It sounds silly but I dont know anymore. I’m waiting for some counselling to talk all this through and why despite everything I still feel horribly guilty at the thought of going NC with her.
We have limited contact but she expects a lot more and the fact that I can’t give this means I’m the worst person in the world. The reason I feel like I can’t is because of our past, and the fact there is 0 accountability from her for the hurt and pain she caused.
So the backstory: I’m pregnant with dc 2 about 6 months and I have a toddler and there is some important financial and legal paper work (entirely hers not mine) that she wants me to do for her. I’ve not background in these fields so it’s not that I will be lending my expertise, so I asked her why she wants me to do it for her and she says because it’s too stressful and she gets overwhelmed and then she blew up at me. She said how I do nothing for her, and how she tries and tries and how nothing she does is good enough. I told her I’m trying my best but it’s hard, as she abused me as a teen. She laughed in my face. It took me a long time, nearly 15 years to realise this was abuse and I didn’t deserve it. She said because I used to have tantrums and create a scene and run away sometimes on days out (I was primary school age when I did this, about 6, and I get it must have been really scary for my parents and I don’t know what I was thinking, I hardly remember) but because I did those things I deserved it because I was so difficult, it was morally justifiable. I said to her well, all of this happened not at the time but 6+ years later and if this was reported to the police now you’d be in trouble for child abuse. She said well yes now I would, but then it wasn’t child abuse, so it’s fine. But surely if it’s abuse now, it was abuse then? Even if the law and safeguarding was lacking?
(Some of the things that happened to me as a teen (12+ ) for context, verbally- she’d wish me dead often, wish I’d get cancer, wish that she terminated her pregnancy with me, accused me of killing her parents (one had a heart attack and I was asleep 50+ miles away when he died and the other cancer), I was perpetually called a disappointment and compared to my peers as to how much of a failure I was. I was regularly taunted about my weight (from primary school age) and appearance and how ugly I was. I used to go to sleep at night and pray to god that i could die in my sleep so I’d didn’t have to live like it anymore, one day she heard me and then relentlessly taunted me about being crazy, there was this song from the 60s funny farm and she’d play that and sing that. Physically the best thing I could describe would happen would be she’d fly at me in fits of rage kicking, screaming and striking me with the heels of her hands (not clenched fists) the first few times I used to fight back but it only made it go on for longer so I then used to drop to a ball and cover my head. she’d also pulled me downstairs by my hair at times, locked me outside naked in a towel in February, and scratched me to the extent I have scars 15 years later. I had anorexia and depression as a teen and no treatment was ever sought. She also accused me of having an incestuous relationship with my father when he was alive, which was unfounded and disgusting and denigrated his memory)
I also wasn’t a perfect child, I know I was challenging. Eating disorders are tough and I was lost in it for a long time. I used to challenge her opinions on things too, specifically homophobia and she hated that.
God I hope that made sense. Thanks for anyone who’s read and I do appreciate your thoughts and comments xx