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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think actually he just doesn’t care about me?

37 replies

Kellyfromtheblock · 25/07/2021 22:20

I came back from a weekend trip with a friend today. Husband looked after the DC for the weekend. I said thank you (and have looked after them whilst he’s been away a number of times in the past).

He barely spoke to me when I got back. No questions about my trip. Short answers to questions I asked. Spent the evening on his computer alone.

When I went up to see how he was doing, said I wanted to spend some time together, he basically didn’t speak. I asked if he was ok. Said fine.

I said then I felt a bit sad and unloved about how he had been since I got back. He said nothing. I asked if he had any response to what I said. He said no. I said that made me sadder and did he think it was strange not to want to respond. He didn’t say anything.

I feel really unloved. We’ve been through some rough patches recently, but things were ok when I went away on Friday.

AIBU to think he just doesn’t care about me?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 25/07/2021 22:23

He needs an ego massage because you dared to have a nice time.
I personally hate sulking men it infuriates me, I'm sorry you've found yourself married to one.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/07/2021 22:24

🚩

ExplodingCarrots · 25/07/2021 22:26

He's sulking and punishing you for being away. Basically he don't like the fact you been out having a nice time. My dad was one of these.

Queynte13 · 25/07/2021 22:26

Oh, OP. He's training you not to go away for the weekend again.

TheSunShinesBrighter · 25/07/2021 22:27

What the hell is wrong with him?
Forget telling him you feel unloved or asking him if he is ok.
Ask him why he is being so bloody rude. Why is he sulking?

hashbrownsandwich · 25/07/2021 22:28

@EmeraldShamrock

🚩

This with 🛎s on!

pilates · 25/07/2021 22:30

How unkind, sulking because you dared to go away and have a nice time without him. I can understand why you’re upset. Is he always like this?

SummerWhisper · 25/07/2021 22:31

Perhaps he is sulking because he had to do dome actual parenting and it flawed him. Has he ever looked after them on his own before? What a twat.

thefourgp · 25/07/2021 22:32

He’s punishing you for having a good time away while he has to look after the kids by himself. It’s emotional abuse and the fact that you’re not totally raging for being treated this way makes me think it’s not the first time. You’re trying to appease him for being irrationally angry with you. As another poster said, he’s training you not to go away again.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/07/2021 22:34

I think he is pissed off because you've not been falling over yourself in gratitude and thanking him for looking after his children for the weekend. Because when you do it, its womens work but when he does it, it's a massive favour

cunningartificer · 25/07/2021 22:34

I’d leave him to stew. Be lovely and cheerful. Nothing annoys a sulker more than not being dragged down by the sulk.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/07/2021 22:35

Unless there's a really good reason, such as bad news etc then he's being an arse

Summersun2020 · 25/07/2021 22:39

Wooow OP, 🚩 all over the place. Sulking pathetic baby he is. How Dare he treat you like this for having a weekend away? The silent treatment is emotional abuse, and the PP is correct he’s training you to stay at home like a good little wife, I can’t stress this enough…absolutely FUCK him.

Theredjellybean · 25/07/2021 22:41

I am. Going to put another side to this.. Maybe he just wanted some quiet time, alone if he has had kids all weekend. Maybe he was talked, touched out and needed to decompress a bit, and didn't want to sit and hear all about your weekend or talk about his.
I'd be like this.. I'd just want to be left alone for a bit. And my dp coming up saying you're making me sad... Would drive me bonkers.
Can someone not just be allowed to want to be alone without being accused of sulking.
If a woman posted that she just wanted to go and lie in the bath in peace and quiet on her own after looking after kids all weekend but her dp kept coming in wanting to talk about their feelings... Well mn wouldn't say she was sulking...

FittedSheet · 25/07/2021 22:42

@Queynte13

Oh, OP. He's training you not to go away for the weekend again.
This. He’s resenting the fuck out of having to parent his own children, and basically telling you that you’re in the wrong, and he’s the ‘wronged one’ for having had to parent while you were away, and that if you consider doing it again, ever, he wants to be sure you know in advance you’ll get the silent treatment on your return, and have to consider whether it’s worth it. He hopes you’ll conclude it isn’t.

What a shit.

Summersun2020 · 25/07/2021 22:45

@Theredjellybean nah. No way. I’d totally get that, but still no excuse for literally ignoring the op when she’s fucking talking directly to him. Would you treat your partner like that? Because I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t accept it from my husband either.

TiredButDancing · 25/07/2021 22:51

@Queynte13

Oh, OP. He's training you not to go away for the weekend again.
It's probably this. I mean, unless you came in and started ranting at him and just forgot to put this in your OP, it's pretty clear that he doesn't want you to go away and leave him with the DC. Was he unhappy about you going away in the first place?
Original poster
Kellyfromtheblock · 25/07/2021 23:12

Definitely no ranting and raving when I came in. Just asking what they have been up to, that sort of thing.

I take the point about maybe needing space, but wouldn’t you just say, in a friendly way, that that’s the case…And if your partner said they were sad, wouldn’t you say that you’re just tired, not ignore it.

As a few of you have said, it isn’t the first time with this sort of thing. Just been doubting myself because I’ve been trying to work on myself and my contribution to issues in our relationship…The idea being to focus on myself rather than wanting him to change because you can’t change others. Makes me think that isn’t always the best approach maybe.

OP posts:
Jumpjumpjumper · 25/07/2021 23:15

My ex did this to me.

Thank God he's my ex.

Summersun2020 · 25/07/2021 23:22

@Kellyfromtheblock please don’t doubt yourself. I promise this isn’t you. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/07/2021 23:24

He's teaching you not to go away again.

Don't let him do that.

nonotmenotI · 25/07/2021 23:41

My husband can be like this.

It's pathetic.

MumsMeaningfulMayhem · 26/07/2021 08:56

So sad for you OP Sad

This is indeed punishment, manipulation (and childish and mean). Makes me mad and upset to hear you're going through this.
Please take care Flowers Flowers Flowers

Are you able to ignore him until he comes out of his sulk? Able to ask breezy around him, and as if you couldn't care less. Let him overhear you chatting on the phone to a friend about what a fun time you had. That sort of thing. And if you HAVE to speak to him directly make it about factual, practical things so he looks ridiculous ignoring you. Like, things to do with the house/family/kids, etc. Better still, make it about things he NEEDS to engage with for his own benefit. Don't try to engage him about what happened on your lovely weekend away. I find people snap out of it when I take this approach with sulkers. When you don't panda to them it shows they cannot control you or bring you down.

Oh, and make sure you book your next weekend away as soon as you want Wink

thefourgp · 26/07/2021 17:16

The year before I left my husband I was determined to improve how unhappy I was by focusing more on me eg. Dyed my hair, didn’t complain when he refused to go to family occasions and just focussed on enjoying them without him around, I stopped picking up and washing the dirty clothes he left lying around the house and instead left them in a big dirty pile on the floor of the spare room etc. Slowly disconnecting from him and I don’t think he even noticed or cared unless it required him to look after the kids at which point he’d kick off.

squid12346 · 26/07/2021 17:27

This isn't on you op. He's punishing you for going out all weekend. I would just ignore him right back and act happy and breezy. Don't let him think he's got to you. Maybe through in a few lines like "it's so nice to have been able to go out like you do so often". "So nice to share the parenting responsibilities".