'When are you having another baby?'

[hopefulmamaofone]

Hi everyone,

I'm a mum to one DD 26 months. Recently I've been having so many comments about having another baby and am so fed up of it! I have posted previously about being on the depo and not having any cycles since coming off it. It's been such a source of stress for me as I was really hoping to TTC immediately. I've finally had my first period and am on CD6 and so hopeful that I will ovulate this month but obviously it could be a long time for us yet.

But I've been getting so many comments from people recently, my FiL made comments just last week 'are you having any more kids then? You're leaving it a long time', just today a woman who works with DH and has never met me has commented on a photo I posted of us saying 'it's time for baby no 2 now don't you think?' And to top it off, a group of women I work with have made similar comments telling me 'you should have another one now, you don't want too big of an age gap!'

For reference, I'm 27 so no rush due to age. I'm so fed up of these comments, they're really getting me down at a time when I'm senstive about the topic and very aware that my body isn't working as it should. I would love another and am praying it will happen soon for us but don't feel like I should explain this to these people, I feel like telling them we want another asap will just encourage these comments and increase the pressure on me.

I am aware that I may be oversensitive on this topic due to my current situation!

AIBU to be fed up of these comments and ask what on earth you say to them?!

YANBU. They are being very thoughtless, rude and intrusive. There are quite a few ways of dealing with it. I just used to say "things don't always happen the way you plan" and leave it at that, but I think these days I'd be a lot more direct. Rude and tactless people really irritate me

I’d make them squirm and tell them you’re trying HARD and it hasn’t happened yet. But understand that is something not everyone would want to share!! Bloody rude so they deserve to feel bad though.

You could reply "not sure, how's your sex life by the way?"

It's people's need for completion, for finishing the story, so to speak. They don't mean harm, it's a hardwired behavioural pattern.

FWIW, we have been TTC 7 years+ and nothing to show for it but MCs, due to DH's cancer. I still get bombarded with questions about when are we going to have DC, even from people who know the whole story. I learned to accept it as a sort of a reflex for people and move on.

Good luck on your TTC and I hope your wishes come true

I used to laugh it off, then say "things don't always go to plan" as above.

Now I have rude out of patience and tend to say
"God, it's so tedious being asked this by people, so rude and potentially quite insensitive".
"What's it to you, nosey?"
"Hopefully if you yourself have more kids then they'll have a bit more tact than you".

One of my colleagues made a comment about how I didn't want to leave it much longer, I'd actually had a miscarriage a few weeks before this, so I just told her that. She was speechless, no no one at work has ever asked me again.

Yabu for saying you have a 26 month old.

But just tell everyone else to butt out or start asking them intrusive questions.

I'd get asked after having dd who is 4 when I would be having another but once she turned 3 people stopped asking. Probably because I was 35 by then. I then had another dd at 36, so a 4.5 year age gap.

@RandomMess, is right. I'd reply so tell me about your sex life.

What I actually did do when some twat from work would shut up, was look the bloke in the eye and say "I'm still being seen by the hospital for the last one". He went puce, then buggered off.

I used to hate this. Eventually went with “We’re enjoying the one we have, at the moment”.

I have an only child by choice. People finally stopped asking when we were having another when she was about 8. It was so annoying and intrusive as it’s no one’s business but yours, sympathies.

@ParrotShoulder honestly it shouldn’t have come to that and I’m so sorry it did - but well done you!

Nobody has ever asked me because I’m so old and it’s so obvious I don’t want any more than one.

I don't understand any of this, at all.
Firstly why do people expect everyone with one child to even want to have another? Not always the case.
Secondly, it doesn't happen just like that does it?
Really annoys me.
As for the age gap thing, completely your choice. Why on earth is that even important?

"You're really interested to know when I'm having unprotected sex with your son aren't you?!" (Swap son for "my husband", Barry, whatever as needed.) Then either laugh in a bemused way or do a confused stare.

When people ask me I say why do you ask, are you volunteering as a surrogate?

It's incredible how people really appear to believe that a couple's family planning is public business. I'm one and done by choice and had no trouble conceiving so I can only imagine the pain and desperation felt by those who long for a/nother child and it really fucks me off that people still believe it's an appropriate topic to flippantly comment upon! I think the only way you can deal with it is to have a stock phrase that you respond with every time. Something scathing/designed to make them feel uncomfortable if possible but I think just prepare yourself with a comeback and you hopefully won't be caught out by surprise. I get this nonsense all the time but I can laugh it off as I am not desperate for another but if I were I know I would be very upset by these stupid comments from randoms.

Thank you so much for all of your responses! I truly appreciate you all taking the time to help ☺️

Thank you for making me laugh! I definitely have some more creative responses to give now and I look forward to making them all feel so awkward.

I'm so sorry to hear of those of you who suffered losses, I can't imagine having to deal with these dimwits at a time like that! It's the reason I've never even considered questioning anyone on their reproductive choices!! My mum could never have another after me due to being so so ill, she was told she was unlikely to survive another pregnancy, thankfully due to her being late 30s having me, most people didn't comment.

People can be so frustrating. Also sorry for the 26 month comment, I humbly correct myself to I have a DD aged 2 🤣🤣

I completely sympathise OP, I’m in a very similar boat. We’ve been trying for a year now for our second child, and comments really get me down. I’m very aware the age gap is getting bigger, I don’t need people pointing this out! We’re doing everything we can but it’s just not happening sadly.
I started off by laughing off the comments, but now I just say “we’re not having much luck unfortunately” and that soon shuts them up. In fact they often look guilty for asking. It’s just so insensitive though! I have so many friends going through fertility problems, I wouldn’t dare ask people these sorts of questions because you just never know what they’re going through.
Good luck to you OP xx

OP 26 months isn't too bad, it's when people put random ones like 37.5 months and I need to work it out.

And yes it was me that said it in the first place.

I was asked this by my uncle whilst having my second miscarriage in a row. People should just stop with the questions. It’s not as though infertility and miscarriage are super rare so there’s no reason for people not to be aware of those possibilities and show a bit of sensitivity — quite apart from the fact that it’s not their bloody business anyway. So YANBU!
On that occasion I didn’t say anything — we rarely see my uncle and I didn’t see any mileage in making everyone uncomfortable — but on similar occasions I’ve been very direct. I just say, very deadpan, ‘you really can’t ask personal questions like that’, and then, after an awkward pause, I change the subject. One particularly awful friend of DH chirping replied ‘yes I can’, so I sighed heavily and said ‘fine, ask away, but I don’t have to give you an answer’ and then turned away and started talking to someone else. He seems slightly frightened of me now, which is absolutely fine by me.

I'm still coming to terms with only being able to have the one child. I know I'm very lucky to have one and try hard to be happy with this but it bloody hurts when people go on about it. Especially the "You need a little brother or sister, don't you DS?" comments to my bloody child!

I always wonder who it is that still asks this question, and other similar questions, because I've never ever spoken to a real life woman who likes being asked. EVERYONE seems to find it rude, because it is.

A man I didn't even know (one of my sister's work colleagues), upon meeting me and my baby of 9 days old, said, "when's the next one coming then?" with added wink and nudge. I said the first time round was so traumatic I wasn't ever having another thanks. I wish I'd also referred graphically to my horrible birth injuries, the blood transfusion, and the haematoma that almost resulted in yet more surgery. All of which I went through largely alone due to the swine flu thing stopping visitors except birth partners. At the time I was young, timid and traumatised, but nowadays I'd have no problems verbally ripping him a new one for even asking. It's rude. It'll never not be rude.

I have an only child by choice and used to get asked when I was having another a lot.

A big part of the reason we stuck at one is because I had a very traumatic birth and was really affected by it.

Eventually, I started telling people that I couldn't have any more. That usually shut them up and made them feel really embarrassed. My reasons for being unable to have more may be mostly psychological rather than physical but they are still valid reasons.

The good news is, people do stop asking eventually. DS is 7 now and I haven't been asked for a while.

People think it's just small talk, especially the older generation. I would never ask the question as I realise that women have careers/fertility issues/traumatic births/only want one child etc. Also it's none of my business.

I just tend to say "well it took us 6 years and fertility investigations to conceive DD, so I'm not sure we'll be having one soon". Sometimes I pepper in a bit of "it was very stressful and I'm not ready to go through that again". People don't tend to keep questioning you after that.

I'm actually pregnant again though

‘When you fuck off’ works if they are particularly persistent

I would respond with 'Well, that's an insensitive question, isn't it?". I have one DC. Had a rather difficult birth - DC's heart rate plummeted, emergency CS and I lost a lot of blood. One woman I see locally used to ask me pretty much weekly when I was going to have another. I eventually shut her up by saying that I nearly died during DC's birth and didn't think it was fair to have another child and risk leaving them without a mother.

Respond firmly and directly if you can - practice some phrases. Make them so embarrassed that they will not do it to anyone else. One who asked me got ‘ I don’t know , you tell me.’