What the fuck do I do? TW sexual assault/harrassment

[babbaloushka]

Bright and capable DD19 finished her first year at Uni this year, but is living in her 2nd year house until August. I had a call from her this morning, very upset, telling me she had split with her lovely BF of 3 years.

Eventually, she explained to me that she had been sexually assaulted at the end of year event for a sport she started this year and has so far loved. The man is 25/26 and an alumni, came back for the event and harassed her all night, grabbing her, touching her and eventually attempting to finger her while she pushed him off.

She said the other (current) students were asking her how old she was, and telling the man to "leave the fresher alone", but that was the extent of it. She won't tell me his name, and even if I could report him to the Uni, he doesn't go there anymore.

This sport is something she absolutely loves and likes the people very much, so I think part of why it has gone undealt with is because she is scared to kick up a fuss. The SA group in her city are closed, as the waiting list is so long, but she has registered interest for counselling, when they have enough spaces (could be months/years).

This has culminated this morning as she has broken up with her BF, saying she can't stand to be touched by him, he has been generally a bit passive in supporting her and she hasn't slept with him since it happened because she "just can't". She also hasn't been out with her housemates since things opened up, but sent me a picture of them all in the park earlier in the week where she was wearing joggers and a hoodie in 25 degree heat.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to call her back in a little bit, she's having a shower now, but what the fuck do I say? Do I bring her home? Report to the Uni as I know what sports society it was? Where can she get specialist support?

I want to rip the man limb from limb. I held it together on the phone but I am absolutely reeling now, she is looking to me for help and guidance that I feel unable to offer. I was raped as a teenager and I just can't bring myself to imagine happening to my little girl too, and that she may have to live through what I lived through. Please, please help.

I would definitely report it to uni, tell them the details you have about the man. There will be someone who knows who he is and it might prevent it happening to someone in the future.

Such an awful situation for you and your daughter to be in. I hope she can get some support soon, it might be worth looking online for other local support for her.

@ArrabellaAM

I would definitely report it to uni, tell them the details you have about the man. There will be someone who knows who he is and it might prevent it happening to someone in the future.

Such an awful situation for you and your daughter to be in. I hope she can get some support soon, it might be worth looking online for other local support for her.

Should I do this against Dd's wishes? I'm caught between moving hell and earth to get this dealt with, and respecting the fact that she is an adult now and just supporting her choices on how to deal with it.

If she reports it, it might ensure no-one else goes through what she is going through. Although the chances of him getting found guilty are slim. DD2 was sexually assaulted, along with some of her friends, by the same boy. He was found not guilty (nice middle class boy in a suit with expensive barrister), despite the FIVE witnesses being deemed credible.

See if she was a minor I would say you should go against her wishes and report it but she is 19 so I think you should focus on supporting her. Talk to her about why and how she should report this.
The problem is when it comes to sexual assault and rape as we all know there’s not much to be done. Even with concrete evidence most cases don’t even get taken to court. Your DD knows this so she’s probably terrified the Uni or police won’t believe her. She trusts you enough to tell you so keep that trust, keep being there for her. I really would not want to betray her by reporting this behind her back.

@MrsSchadenfreude

If she reports it, it might ensure no-one else goes through what she is going through. Although the chances of him getting found guilty are slim. DD2 was sexually assaulted, along with some of her friends, by the same boy. He was found not guilty (nice middle class boy in a suit with expensive barrister), despite the FIVE witnesses being deemed credible.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DD, yes, there will be next to no chance of prosecution and she loves this sport so much she does not want to risk her relationship with the other members for fear of being seen as dramatic or silly. It has clearly affected her very much.

Please don't go against her wishes. This man took her choice on what happened to her body away from her so please don't go against her wishes - she needs to feel she has choices and empowered to make the right choice for herself so she can feel like she has regained control of her body and her life again.

@ComDummings

See if she was a minor I would say you should go against her wishes and report it but she is 19 so I think you should focus on supporting her. Talk to her about why and how she should report this. The problem is when it comes to sexual assault and rape as we all know there’s not much to be done. Even with concrete evidence most cases don’t even get taken to court. Your DD knows this so she’s probably terrified the Uni or police won’t believe her. She trusts you enough to tell you so keep that trust, keep being there for her. I really would not want to betray her by reporting this behind her back.

This I think is what I will do. I can't find any other local charities or counselling services that have space, does anyone know if she could get support through the GP? She very clearly needs help, and I'm sad for her bf who seems to have been caught as collateral. I just wish I could make things right for her.

Think I have found who it may be on the group's FB page- no wonder she was terrified he's fucking huge. Looks to be at least 6"5 to 6"7 from the pictures.

I think you should report it to the sport' ruling body, and the Police and the Uni.
Nothing much will happen about this incident by itself. However it might be part of a a history, perhaps others have reported 'low level' (not rape) assaults by the same person before or might do at some future time.
This could well be part of a longer term investigation.

In some areas you can self refer to counselling through your GP surgery so she should contact her GP. She might not be ready for that yet but it’s worth trying.

I would strongly encourage her to report to the police, and ask them about victim support.

It was offered to me when I had my handbag stolen off a supermarket trolley! So for something this serious it should be automatic.

Also I'm not sure what you mean by her local SA group. Is it a uni support thing? There should be a sexual assault clinic/place that victims can go to to have evidence gathered to preserve it in case they later decide to go to the police. They'll also help with accessing counselling. That sort of place won't be closed.

Perhaps look here for one local to her? www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

You’ll get a ton of good advice and support here, but I just wanted to say I was struck by the excellent and open dialogue you have with your daughter. That’s brilliant a great foundation for you being able to help her.

[quote Faranth]I would strongly encourage her to report to the police, and ask them about victim support.

It was offered to me when I had my handbag stolen off a supermarket trolley! So for something this serious it should be automatic.

Also I'm not sure what you mean by her local SA group. Is it a uni support thing? There should be a sexual assault clinic/place that victims can go to to have evidence gathered to preserve it in case they later decide to go to the police. They'll also help with accessing counselling. That sort of place won't be closed.

Perhaps look here for one local to her? www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364[/quote]
That's fantastic, thank you, have found one using that I will link her to. The one that has a long waiting list for counselling and has closed its referrals I think may be a charity, I can't link as it is only for her city and would out.

@NormanStangerson

You’ll get a ton of good advice and support here, but I just wanted to say I was struck by the excellent and open dialogue you have with your daughter. That’s brilliant a great foundation for you being able to help her.

That's very kind, thank you. Am very fortunate she felt able to tell me.

Please don’t go against your daughters wishes. She needs to report this if/when she’s ready. She will be in shock and scared of facing it right now, but with your love and support she may feel better able to pursue criminal proceedings.

You sound like a lovely mum by the way. A big virtual hug from me to you and your daughter.

I'd tread carefully @babbaloushka.
Your daughter has told you about this in confidence and you have to hold this trust as @ComDummings says.
If you're finding this difficult and that your experience troubling you again you could get support for yourself in order to support your daughter.

Finding out what your daughter wants to do and looking for agencies,if appropriate, or other ways to support her are likely your best way through this.
G'luck

I recommend she talks to the uni about it. I was a victim of SA during my time at my uni, and eventually I broke down about it to one of my lecturers.

He was incredibly supportive. He emailed me later that day with uni funded counselling sessions if I wanted to go and he always checked in on me to see how I was doing. He took pressure off me in his seminars and wouldn’t put me on the spot as he knew I was struggling a lot with anxiety as a result. Honestly, years later, reading those emails back always makes me cry because it made such a difference that someone wanted to help me.

He did strongly I suggest I let the office department of my school know purely so I could get extensions if needs be, but I didn’t want to tell anyone else. I wish I had, though.

Try and get her set up with as many support networks as you can and in practical terms letting the uni know so she can have extra time for assessments if she needs them. She shouldn’t be punished for something that wasn’t her fault.

@MrsSchadenfreude

If she reports it, it might ensure no-one else goes through what she is going through. Although the chances of him getting found guilty are slim. DD2 was sexually assaulted, along with some of her friends, by the same boy. He was found not guilty (nice middle class boy in a suit with expensive barrister), despite the FIVE witnesses being deemed credible.

I don’t agree with this. It’s not you DD’s responsibility, she is the victim. You need to make sure she has all the control over what happens. You can support, advise and inform her but this is her decision.

OP,

If she won't go to the police, please encourage her to use the university services in the first instance. The student health/welfare/support services should have a specific Sexual Harassment person she can contact and it's likely the Student Union will too. This is for support and advice on accessing counselling and outside organisations as well as reporting procedures but reassure your daughter they will not do anything at all about investigating a complaint without her consent.

She can be reassured this not the same as laying a complaint and these people will absolutely believe her and provide another person to talk to - most Uni's provide really good training to these front line contact people.

Also her University should have have a student complaints procedure she can download. It will explain the various options available and again reassure her the complaints will only be pursued with her consent. These do cover Alumni and anyone else who may come into contact with students. If she did take it formally, he could be banned from campus and any involvement in the sport through the University. Investigations need less 'evidence' than a criminal one and will have ways to protect the complainant at each stage.

At the very least she can explore how she can still do her sport without coming into contact with this man again.

First thing is first - can you go and get her? She sounds like at the very least she needs a couple of days at home.

Second, whether she comes home or not, she needs to write down exactly what happened and exactly who was there. She may think that she'll never forget any detail, but details can become hazy over time. This way she has a clear record. Encourage her to write down absolutely everything - what people were wearing, any businesses nearby (for CCTV) etc.

Third you can't report on her behalf. Sorry. I know you want to, very much, and I'm not sure if I'd take my own advice on this, but you have to hold her trust.

Fourth - she will get support from her Students' Union, they will be able to offer immediate support as well as referring for more specialist support. So that should be her first port of call (other than police to report it.)

The soc can wait - it's summer anyway. She needs to recover and gather herself before working out what action she wants to take at that level. Sadly, that might include giving up her sport, which is tragic, but she just might not be able to get into a battle to get the scumbag removed - either way you will have to support her on that. But first things first. Get her home, make her feel safe then follow her lead.

I'm so sorry this has happened

@PizzaCrust

I recommend she talks to the uni about it. I was a victim of SA during my time at my uni, and eventually I broke down about it to one of my lecturers.

He was incredibly supportive. He emailed me later that day with uni funded counselling sessions if I wanted to go and he always checked in on me to see how I was doing. He took pressure off me in his seminars and wouldn’t put me on the spot as he knew I was struggling a lot with anxiety as a result. Honestly, years later, reading those emails back always makes me cry because it made such a difference that someone wanted to help me.

He did strongly I suggest I let the office department of my school know purely so I could get extensions if needs be, but I didn’t want to tell anyone else. I wish I had, though.

Try and get her set up with as many support networks as you can and in practical terms letting the uni know so she can have extra time for assessments if she needs them. She shouldn’t be punished for something that wasn’t her fault.

This has really emboldened me, she has a tutor she really likes and gets on with, I'm going to encourage her to get in touch and speak to her, as I would like her first port of contact to be someone she knows will trust and believe her. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but glad you found solace in your lecturer.

@NoYOUbekind

First thing is first - can you go and get her? She sounds like at the very least she needs a couple of days at home.

Second, whether she comes home or not, she needs to write down exactly what happened and exactly who was there. She may think that she'll never forget any detail, but details can become hazy over time. This way she has a clear record. Encourage her to write down absolutely everything - what people were wearing, any businesses nearby (for CCTV) etc.

Third you can't report on her behalf. Sorry. I know you want to, very much, and I'm not sure if I'd take my own advice on this, but you have to hold her trust.

Fourth - she will get support from her Students' Union, they will be able to offer immediate support as well as referring for more specialist support. So that should be her first port of call (other than police to report it.)

The soc can wait - it's summer anyway. She needs to recover and gather herself before working out what action she wants to take at that level. Sadly, that might include giving up her sport, which is tragic, but she just might not be able to get into a battle to get the scumbag removed - either way you will have to support her on that. But first things first. Get her home, make her feel safe then follow her lead.

I'm so sorry this has happened

Am bringing her home tomorrow. Agree that she needs some rest and can be fed and washed here with less stressors. And hugs.

@NoYOUbekind

First thing is first - can you go and get her? She sounds like at the very least she needs a couple of days at home.

Second, whether she comes home or not, she needs to write down exactly what happened and exactly who was there. She may think that she'll never forget any detail, but details can become hazy over time. This way she has a clear record. Encourage her to write down absolutely everything - what people were wearing, any businesses nearby (for CCTV) etc.

Third you can't report on her behalf. Sorry. I know you want to, very much, and I'm not sure if I'd take my own advice on this, but you have to hold her trust.

Fourth - she will get support from her Students' Union, they will be able to offer immediate support as well as referring for more specialist support. So that should be her first port of call (other than police to report it.)

The soc can wait - it's summer anyway. She needs to recover and gather herself before working out what action she wants to take at that level. Sadly, that might include giving up her sport, which is tragic, but she just might not be able to get into a battle to get the scumbag removed - either way you will have to support her on that. But first things first. Get her home, make her feel safe then follow her lead.

I'm so sorry this has happened

Fantastic advice again, thank you, just to ask should I ask her to write everything down? She is a pretty prolific diarist so imagine she has already written about it, but do you mean a sort of witness statement writing?

Its brilliant she felt she could share this with you. She must really trust you and feel supported by you.

The primary things to communicate are I believe you, I'm so sorry this happened to you, this is not your fault. I know you may feel pressure to 'do' something but all you need to do is be there. In terms of reporting etc, 100% follow her lead.

The places for potential reporting if she wants to are: whoever is head of sports at the uni, the uni itself, police. In terms of support there are local MH services (probably a long wait), uni counselling services (usually a shorter wait) and specific sexual assault support charities.

@babbaloushka, it is really really good news that your DD is able to speak with her mum. That is not always the case. You are lucky to have each other.

You have been through something similar (possibly worse), so you have better insight than most on this thread. I work in the legal area (but not in the UK, but systems are similar). Based on your own experience you may know what reporting involves. I strongly believe that things have improved a lot in reporting with respect to the past (with still a long way to go).

Another big difference is that many of IT systems are interconnected, and easily searchable. Previous reports can be very helpful later in decisions to prosecute, previous reports have critical in cases. He has done that your DD, it is probably not a once off for him. Of course, for some it is a big decision to report or not, and one for your DD.