What the fuck do I do? TW sexual assault/harrassment

[babbaloushka]

Bright and capable DD19 finished her first year at Uni this year, but is living in her 2nd year house until August. I had a call from her this morning, very upset, telling me she had split with her lovely BF of 3 years.

Eventually, she explained to me that she had been sexually assaulted at the end of year event for a sport she started this year and has so far loved. The man is 25/26 and an alumni, came back for the event and harassed her all night, grabbing her, touching her and eventually attempting to finger her while she pushed him off.

She said the other (current) students were asking her how old she was, and telling the man to "leave the fresher alone", but that was the extent of it. She won't tell me his name, and even if I could report him to the Uni, he doesn't go there anymore.

This sport is something she absolutely loves and likes the people very much, so I think part of why it has gone undealt with is because she is scared to kick up a fuss. The SA group in her city are closed, as the waiting list is so long, but she has registered interest for counselling, when they have enough spaces (could be months/years).

This has culminated this morning as she has broken up with her BF, saying she can't stand to be touched by him, he has been generally a bit passive in supporting her and she hasn't slept with him since it happened because she "just can't". She also hasn't been out with her housemates since things opened up, but sent me a picture of them all in the park earlier in the week where she was wearing joggers and a hoodie in 25 degree heat.

I don't know what to do. I'm going to call her back in a little bit, she's having a shower now, but what the fuck do I say? Do I bring her home? Report to the Uni as I know what sports society it was? Where can she get specialist support?

I want to rip the man limb from limb. I held it together on the phone but I am absolutely reeling now, she is looking to me for help and guidance that I feel unable to offer. I was raped as a teenager and I just can't bring myself to imagine happening to my little girl too, and that she may have to live through what I lived through. Please, please help.

I would focus on supporting her, but also convincing her she needs to report him for sexual assault. There were obviously witnesses so it's not just her word against his - if she does report him it might save someone else being subjected to the same thing.

Yes @babbaloushka I would encourage her to write every single thing down, every detail, as much as she can remember. 1) it may help her to process but more importantly 2) she may decide to report in one year, two years, five years time and it will be important to have a factual record of what actually happened.

I'm not saying it would be admissible in court or anything like that, just that details will fade and if she feels more able to report say when she leaves uni, it will be helpful to have a record.

Seems like you are doing exactly the right thing in supporting your DD. It's great you have such a relationship, and that will be invaluable for her.

I did not report at the time (stranger rape on college grounds) as I was unsure what to do, as it was end of year. Turns out there were several other cases in the area, and looking back, I always regret not going to the police (easy to say that now so many many years later when I'm older)

Rape crisis England and Wales or Rape crisis Scotland (depending where you are) have a national helpline where you can talk to someone on the phone. There are local centre helplines too. You can be totally anonymous and talk to a trained volunteer without being registered for counselling.

Some centres have text and email support too.

This book was really helpful for me, and it’s free to read ninaburrowes.com/books/the-courage-to-be-me/

Colleges/Universities take these reports fairly seriously today. In fact a good bit of the work I've been involved with in recent years has been in that area.

There was a US documentary shortlisted for Oscars in 2015 that raised the topics, together with student population surveys.

www.npr.org/2015/12/03/458031996/acclaimed-documentary-about-campus-rape-draws-critics-too?t=1627213561380

Thank you all. We called and had a look online together at what support is offered- have found that her has Uni Student Welfare place that offers specialised talk therapy for victims of sexual assault. She's emailed as advised, but I'm not sure when we hear back as it's not clear if they will be open over the summer. This should be quicker and tailored to her demographic.

She still hasn't quite digested the violation, when she first told me it was prefaced with "I know it's silly" and lots of "I know it's not that bad" or "it's not a big deal" but I think talking through how much it's affecting her is helping her realise that it is important and getting support is key.

Them growing up is hard enough but nothing could've prepared me for this reminder that you just can't protect them from the despicable people out there. She's strong and capable but also my little girl, and the thought that she's been violated like that makes my blood boil. DH is out with younger DC and doesn't know yet. I need to ask her if she is ok with him knowing. He will be broken.

Your daughter is lucky to have such amazing support from you as her Mum. As you say, not matter how good/capable/careful you are there are some truly awful men out there.

Questions

• Did you think carefully about telling DH? Might it be better to let things settle a bit more, until you have more visibility on a path forward?

• Does your DH know your rape history? If yes, then in addition to anger he'll have some background and insights (I did not tell DH when it happened, but several weeks later after reporting, he understandably had a million questions, but over time he was a huge help for me)

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to your daughter. I agree in offering your unconditional support & empathy now.

She can Google her local IAPT service - search by area or local authority e.g Camden IAPT or Wiltshire IAPT; she should be offered an initial triage appointment within 10 days (national target) Treatment with the service is likely to then involve waiting time however the service should also be aware of other statutory or third sector organisations who might be able to offer quicker and/or more specialist/integrated care.

The only person responsible for what happened is the perpetrator- it is not your daughter's responsibility to save any future potential victims. Any thoughts of reporting can be considered within recovery imho. It pains me to say it but outrageously few women find the criminal justice system supportive in these circumstances.

Take care

I'd pay for help rather than wait