Lonely, what do I do

[Abitlostrightnow]

SAHM to 2 kids, no friends. I desperately want to go out and do things but have noone to go with. My partner will happily watch kids while I'm out but he is my only friend and the only person I have to go out with. No friends or family to watch kids and hiring a babysitter isn't an option, our eldest is very clingy and will only stay with me or her dad so I don't feel happy doing that. I've been to eat alone, to dinner alone etc but I just feel horrible, I know I'm lonely and I know I'm there alone because I haven't got anyone to be out with. My husband went out with his friends for his birthday last month and had a great time, I don't have anyone to do anything like that with. His friends partners all go out with them sometimes and that also makes me feel sad because I just can't join in. They all understandably want to go out when they have babysitters so the prospect of a few quiet drinks at ours isn't too appealing. How do I make myself just appreciate what I have? Anyone in the same boat? I'm thinking about this daily now and it's bringing me down even though there's nothing I can do. I thought about getting a job but childcare is too expensive especially as there is 2 of them under the funded age and my partner works varied shifts, early, late day and night and sometimes goes away for a few weeks at a time

You need to get your child accustomed to a babysitter. How old are they?

Yes, how old are your kids? The 3 friends I see most I met at:

1. Monkey Music
2. Baby Signing
3. baby clinic When my 6 year old was a baby. Luckily for me they are more outgoing than me so it wasn’t up to me to make the first move. I want more friends and have realised that is the absolute key. You have to put your neck on the line, get chatting to someone at the playground or something, and invite them for a coffee or something. Easier said than done for some personality types, inc me. I come off as standoffish but am shy and anxious! Maybe you can relate. You have to be tenacious and keep trying, OR accept the way things are.

You sound so sad I know you said a babysit is not an option but could you try baby steps to get them used to it? Do either dc go to nursery, is there a staff member who babysits? At least this way you can go
Out with dh and dh’s friends and wives.

I join the local branch of the WI every time I move to a new area - it’s great, an amazing mix of friendly, interesting women who, pretty much without exception, want to get to know other local women and talk about / do relevant things.

Thanks for the replies. They are 1 and 2. The eldest doesn't manage mixing in groups at the moment, cries and clings if we talk to anyone or if anyone talks to her which is kind of how I've found myself friendless. I go to soft play etc with them so they see other kids and people but we struggle to make a friend. I think this is the way things are I just need to learn to accept it, I just don't know how to, before children I was so social!

Not at nursery yet. Next year ☺

Is there a new hobby you'd like to do? Have you got any local mums fb groups? Why not post in there for a mum in the same boat and organise a walk/play in the park? Or see if any mums would like to go for an adult only walk one evening? You won't be the only one feeling the same locally!

Bite the bullet and try and find a babysitter.

You need a dog or two. No one is friendlier and more welcoming to new friendships than dog owners.

I'm in exactly the same position as you. I have an 11 month old and currently 8 weeks pregnant. Also have hardly any friends. I have a job, but I work from home full time.

I will probably join a baby class and I hope to get to meet people there. It's very hard, being lonely with kids, I completely understand you.

Also you could start a group for people in the same boat?

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

You need a dog or two. No one is friendlier and more welcoming to new friendships than dog owners.

Gosh yes - I swear I cannot get over the number of people I have met through walking my dog!!! No one ever said hello to me when I pushed a baby around the park, but they all chat to me and the dog.

However OP, at this point a dog might tip you over the edge. Can I say it gets easier when they are in nursery and school as you meet other mums. I have just taken up tennis - not because I am sporty but because it is the way to meet people where I live. And I have already met some other mums there.

It takes time but if you follow your interests - when you get time to do this - it will happen.

It's v tough with small kids. Honestly keep going with the baby groups your dd will get used to it & don't worry if she screams etc every parent knows kids do this. I found it wasn't until my eldest in preschool I really made good friends. But I would stick my neck out ask other mums & their kids over for playdates etc when kids were older id invite parents in for a cuppa at pick up if they had time. Stuff like that. My youngest is 5 & I mostly don't bother now, I am the oldest of the mums so let the younger ones get on with it as have my crew from when my older two started. you will find some like that but don't let it out you off there's plenty like you!!!!

I am not actively looking for new friends as live in my home county so have long standing friends in the area and Work full Time.

However, aside from some friends made at work I have also got some new friendships in the last few years from:

Aqua class who I go out for tea with a few times a year.

Zumba and pilates class who have got closer over pandemic due to lockdown online classes and WhatsApp group and we have a big night out planned soon.

A festival cruise that I went on by myself (as none of my friends would like the bands) and I have made an international friendship group who have had zoom nights, have a chat group and pre lockdown have met up for gigs with, we are next at a music event in Manchester at start of September and have some gigs penciled in next year.

So for me these new friendships have come from going to classes or an event and just chatting to people.

How Old are the dc? Work is a great way to meet people, I have 2 groups of friends from previous work places so it is possible to make lasting friendships through work.

@Abitlostrightnow

SAHM to 2 kids, no friends. I desperately want to go out and do things but have noone to go with. My partner will happily watch kids while I'm out but he is my only friend and the only person I have to go out with. No friends or family to watch kids and hiring a babysitter isn't an option, our eldest is very clingy and will only stay with me or her dad so I don't feel happy doing that. I've been to eat alone, to dinner alone etc but I just feel horrible, I know I'm lonely and I know I'm there alone because I haven't got anyone to be out with. My husband went out with his friends for his birthday last month and had a great time, I don't have anyone to do anything like that with. His friends partners all go out with them sometimes and that also makes me feel sad because I just can't join in. They all understandably want to go out when they have babysitters so the prospect of a few quiet drinks at ours isn't too appealing. How do I make myself just appreciate what I have? Anyone in the same boat? I'm thinking about this daily now and it's bringing me down even though there's nothing I can do. I thought about getting a job but childcare is too expensive especially as there is 2 of them under the funded age and my partner works varied shifts, early, late day and night and sometimes goes away for a few weeks at a time

without kids, husband babysits - join a gym class, walking group, etc. yoga. you could even do baby/toddler events with 1 child while husband watches other child. with kids - and you will find friends with lots in common, really go to all the mother and children/toddler groups. they will be very understanding if your children play up and just keep trying. Invite his friends partners over for mid day play dates - coffee. they can bring their children to you. after a few times at mother and toddler group stuff - monkey music, etc, church halls have mother and baby groups. maybe invite them to yours for play dates.... coffee. good luck

Bless you OP, you sound lovely, you will make friends but it does require putting yourself out there and some effort. Download the bumblebff app, it’s specifically for making friends in your area.

The eldest doesn't manage mixing in groups at the moment, cries and clings if we talk to anyone or if anyone talks to her which is kind of how I've found myself friendless

Keep plugging away at mixing and she will get used to it. I promise!

Can't you invite a friend (or friends) of your DH over for a couple of hours on a weekend afternoon. Tell DH he's got to share the care of DC whilst you have guests so you can get to know them.

How do I make myself just appreciate what I have?

There's no need to, you can have a family and friends - you just need to catch a break

Thank you all for your replies. I'm reading everything and taking everything on board. Partners work doesn't help as definitely can't go to anything weekly and he's sometimes gone for 3 weeks at a time but I'm going to join the gym so I always have somewhere to go. His friends don't have little ones like ours so they might not be my people but hopefully my eldest will start wanting to mix soon, we will keep our nose to the grindstone! Thank you all so very much, this is my first post and it's been nice to be able to offload to other people 💗

Hiya try the Meetup website/app, they have groups for every kind interest on there and it's totally expected that you go on your own. I met a whole new group of friends on there, took a while of lurking to find my people but totally worth it

Parkrun has restarted today. Why not take the little one in a buggy next Saturday morning and walk round. You'll find others in the same situation to chat to. There are always walkers at the back.
You'll meet people, your little one will have a new experience, the fresh air will help your mood.

Things will get better, lots of women are in a similar position when the DC are small.
I rarely go anywhere fun these days without the DC.
Keep positive it'll happen because you're open to it.

before children I was so social!

....so why not arrange to go out with or meet up with some of these friends ?

I also agree that you need to work on your little one getting used to other people. If you are sad and lonely, then it isn't doing much for your dc's welfare. You are stating here that you are lonely as you are not able to go out, so, for you , going out / mixing socially is an important part of your life (as it is for many of us), so you need to make that something that can happen, which means persevering with getting your dc used to being with people other than yourself.

Why not sign up for a course in then evenings that way you can make friends doing something you all share something in common

The thing is, these threads always suggest MeetUp, WI, joining a choir etc. In my area, all these things and full of people decades older than me. I do have friends of all ages but I want friends in the same stage of life as me. Problem is, those women are busy raising kids and often working or feeling down and isolated as a SAHM. That’s why they’re so hard to find.

I’m always putting myself out there, I have a very full life, just not full of friends! Weekly I do Pilates, singing lesson, pottery class and last year I did a A-Level equivalent qualification at local college. So very lucky with time to myself compared to many other SAHMs. I do put myself out there but everyone has their own life and busy schedule.

I sometimes see posts like this from young mums brave enough to speak up and ask if anyone else is in the same boat on FB.
They usually get plenty of replies. Could you do this?