DS is in a ‘long distance relationship’

[verleest]

My son turned 13 last week, for the past month he's been spending more time in his room and being moody when we ask him to go somewhere with us. We thought it was as he was about to be a teenager.

Today, I checked his phone as I usually do but he keeps changing his password, today I told him he wouldn't have his phone if he didn't tell me his password, so he did eventually.

Whilst I was looking at his search history, he got a message from a girl on Instagram who I hadn't heard of, so I checked her profile and she's 14/15, and she has him in her ‘bio’ and apparently they've been dating for a month. She doesn't live anywhere near us (about 3 hours away). I checked their messages and she broke up with a girl to be with DS a few months ago and then she went back to the girl and now she's back with DS again and she seems a bit clingy. She constantly tells DS she misses him if he hasn't texted her for a few hours. She also tells him she loves him constantly but that could just be teenagers!

What do I do about this?

It’s just standard teenage stuff, no?

Why would you do anything about it? Just leave him to it and if they meet up, make sure you have talked about the importance of condoms and consent.

I wouldn't be relaxed about them meeting up, you have no idea if she is a 14 year old girl or a 40 year old man.
He does seem a bit young. I don't believe you can be dating if you've never met!
It would be worth speaking to him about healthy relationships, time to yourselves and the illegality of either of them sending sexual pictures to the other.

He has just turned 13 - he needs to know about condoms, but he should not be using them yet!!

@BlueSurfer

Why would you do anything about it? Just leave him to it and if they meet up, make sure you have talked about the importance of condoms and consent.

He's only just turned 13. He doesn't even know who this girl so I was wondering what to do.

When my young teen came home from camp and declared himself to be in a relationship, I increased the pace of our sex education, gently checked that he actually knew the girl IRL ( we'd had a situation earlier involving a girl who turned out to be way younger than she claimed and DS was grateful for our intervention ), and helped arrange for them to meet, while ensuring that they had no real privacy for extended periods of time (not leaving them alone in the house for hours, but happily driving them to spend the day at an amusement park or beach ). Taking the pair on trips gave me an excuse to check in with her parents and ascertain that they were cool. She was an awesome girl. They eventually split.

I'm also concerned because DS is very immature for his age.

I wouldn’t do anything, it’s literally just normal teenage stuff, Im sure this used to be a thing all the time in the MSN days etc if I remember rightly lol. I don’t think i would even give it another thought if I was you tbh, I’m sure he will meet another girl at some point in ‘real life’ and forget all about her.

I would definitely have an issue about my child being 'in a relationship' with a stranger they met online I'm not surprised OP is concerned!

Just because he's a boy, doesn't make it any less worrying.

@Doyouavocado

I wouldn’t do anything, it’s literally just normal teenage stuff, Im sure this used to be a thing all the time in the MSN days etc if I remember rightly lol. I don’t think i would even give it another thought if I was you tbh, I’m sure he will meet another girl at some point in ‘real life’ and forget all about her.

I'm just concerned, especially as he keeps changing his phone password.

Well, he probably keeps changing his phone password because you want to look at his phone!

Children will always be more technologically savvy than their parents. You're not going to keep him safe by simply knowing his password. Even if he told you what it was, he could still outsmart you if he wanted to. It's a false security.

If you haven't already, I'd have a chat about cat fishing and revenge porn. Might seem a bit much for someone his age, but in the circumstances, it seems like the best thing you can do for him. Let him know that if he does anything stupid, there will be consequences - and once something is out on the internet, it's there forever.

Keep an eye on his behaviour, make sure you know where he is at all times (i.e. not travelling to see 'her') and hope he thinks with his brain.

If you're lucky, she is just another young kid who is playing at being a grown up, and she isn't some middle-aged male predator, but you just never know. It's tough being a teen in this digital world - and being the parent of a teen.

I want to know his password as a check his phone, once every few weeks and he knows this and he did previously agree to it.

Would any 14/15 year old girl really be even interested let alone in love with an only just 13 year old boy who is emotionally immature?

I'd say the "girl" isn't genuine.

Be wary OP and keep monitoring your son's phone at random, don't give him the chance to delete anything.

Well, he probably keeps changing his phone password because you want to look at his phone!

He is a child. Of course his parents should check his phone.

If this is actually a teenaged girl then I wouldn't worry. If he has never met her, why not facilitate them meeting? I know it's a long way to take him, but that way you can meet her and establish that this is a teenaged girl and not an adult. I bet he would jump at the chance, and so should she... if she is who she claims to be.

@HelpingJane

I would definitely have an issue about my child being 'in a relationship' with a stranger they met online I'm not surprised OP is concerned!

Just because he's a boy, doesn't make it any less worrying.

Seriously @Bluesurfer?

It is not normal for a just turned 13 yr old boy to 'be in a relationship' with a 14/15 yr old girl (nor for her to be 'in a relationship with him' due to the difference in maturity levels, even if they knew each other.
The fact that he has no idea whatsoever whether she even is who she says she is makes it even more of a fact he can't 'be in a relationship' with her.

I completely agree with HelpingJane

Sorry, OP, to return to your question about 'what you should do', I would have a lot of conversations with him about using social media. About only being 'friends' with people that are your friends and not randoms who could be anybody.
I'd give him the choice of proving he is mature enough to have the social media accounts he wants and using them sensibly, or not having free access to his phone.
He needs to understand what a 'friend' is and what social media is all about - fantastic if used wisely, absolutely crippling if you are naive and therefore vulnerable

@Halfwaytoholiday

I wouldn't be relaxed about them meeting up, you have no idea if she is a 14 year old girl or a 40 year old man. He does seem a bit young. I don't believe you can be dating if you've never met! It would be worth speaking to him about healthy relationships, time to yourselves and the illegality of either of them sending sexual pictures to the other.

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️

I think this is a safeguarding issue, and of course you should be monitoring his phone

I'd firstly ask him how he met her because she might not be a teenage girl. My older dd has chatted to boys not at her school but they were boys who other girls knew at their old schools so they could vouch for as real teens.
Based on my kids experience, it's also unusual to date someone who's not in your school year which is why I'm wondering if she is really who she says.

The changing of the passwords - you need to either give an ultimatum (confiscate the phone if he does it) or accept he changes it because he wants to pretend that he has total privacy. Based on this new development though I think you need to check more regularly.

Has he deleted previous messages from her? Has he got Snapchat? That's impossible to monitor because messages disappear so you don't want him moving onto that.

@nimbuscloud

Well, he probably keeps changing his phone password because you want to look at his phone!

He is a child. Of course his parents should check his phone.

I'm not necessarily saying they shouldn't check his phone - I'm saying it's why he keeps changing it! Doesn't matter if he's previously agreed to it, no teen is going to feel 100% comfortable with his parents going through his messages, no matter how innocent they are.

I think at some point, you have to accept you can't fully control what he's doing with technology and instead you have to teach him to have good judgement with technology.

I work in a related area to online safeguarding and people here are showing an alarming lack of concern.

He should not be allowed to stop you accessing tye phone and it is extremely concerning that he is speaking and connecting to strangers on Instagram

Every month 850 men are arrested in connection with online grooming and downloading offences in England and Wales. It is a vast crime with literally thousands and thousands of children victim each year.

At his age you absolutely must be involved and stop him having online relationships with strangers . He has no idea who she is.

Look up the boy breckner who was murdered by a boy he met online his mum is now an Internet safety campaigner

It is absolutely not normal teen behaviour to have a girlfriend from instagram at 13 it is extremely dangerous.

He needs to engage with you now op so you can find out this girl is real or all his devices are taken away.

Predatory pedophiles trick boys into thinking they are girls. The boys send compromising images which are then used to blackmail and abuse them further.

Anyone who leaves their 13 year old to have unfettered unintruded on Internet access is not following the advice of police or nspcc

I would be concerned about this.
At that age none of my 14/15 yr olds would have countenanced a "relationship" with someone only just turned 13 in a lower school year..online or IRL.
It's a huge gap at that age - so I would have serious doubts that this is a real teenage girl.
I agree with @waterrat.
I would be treating this seriously.
He's only 13. You have every right/duty to still parent him and that includes safeguarding, education around the internet and monitoring.

I’m with Eekay 100%

I would be very very worried if they start planning to meet. By clingy are you also implying manipulative? They often come hand on hand

My DS2 is 13 and I would be very concerned about this. You have no idea who this person is. If he wants to meet this person it needs to be made clear that you need to be there as well.
Does he understand that adults have posed as children in order to get access to them? And does he know that it isn’t a good idea to be in a relationship with someone messing him about like this if she is genuinely a 14 year old girl?