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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Using covid as a controlling behaviour or AIBU?

44 replies

Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:20

I am separated and CEV.

The Ex was always very controlling - financially, emotionally and physically. He decides when I can see the children and what they can do. This will change hopefully but I'm not well enough to fight this now.

Now he's taking the kids to many indoor and high risk places even after I asked him not to do all of these. There are plenty of other activities with much less covid risk. We had a discussion and I said I would like them to be 5 days post high risk activity and neg lat flow min before I see them again - as per my doctor's advice. I'm also in and out of hospital requiring periods of isolation for me and anyone who stays with me (normally the kids)

It seems that I won't see them all summer now as I've received a list of the things that have been booked. His argument is that I am being unreasonable and I have to suck it up if I get covid and miss treatment.

The kids want to do the exciting things planned and I can't blame them but I can't explain to them in a way they understand that it means I can't see them. They think from their mates that covid is nothing more than a cold.

OP posts:
GrettaGreen · 23/07/2021 21:26

I know it's really crap for you but it's really not fair on the kids to not be allowed to see their mum unless they forego any fun outside of the house during the school holidays.

Witchesbelazy · 23/07/2021 21:28

Yabu. It’s insanity to me that you’re making your kids wait 5 days before seeing you. There are plenty of other people who are vulnerable with children that don’t do this

MadameMinimes · 23/07/2021 21:30

It sounds like you’re having a horrible time, but I think you might be unreasonable here.

It hinges for me on what you mean by a high risk activity. If you’re talking about mass events with thousands of people in a stadium then fair enough, nobody needs to do those sorts of events that often. If you mean things like soft play, theme parks, family parties, play dates with friends, going to the cinema or a socially distanced theatre or cinema then YABU. The children need to be able to do normal things. The pandemic has been going on for a very long time and children need to make the most of the freedoms available at the minute.

Nicknacky · 23/07/2021 21:31

What kind of activities are you talking about?

Pingued · 23/07/2021 21:32

I think it depends on what is classed as high risk activity. But if your doctor has said this is his advice then it's a shame something can't be worked out so you can see them even just once in the holidays for a few days.

Original poster
Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:33

Fair enough - I was following medical advice I've been given. I don't want to stop treatment to give me the best chance.
We are talking mass events - One was last weekend (no prizes for guessing what that was) and there is a festival etc. One per week approx.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 23/07/2021 21:33

How old are the kids?

MichelleScarn · 23/07/2021 21:33

Is he the RP?

Nicknacky · 23/07/2021 21:34

Why can’t I work out what last weeks was?!

Pingued · 23/07/2021 21:34

This sounds very tough for you, when did you last see them?

Pingued · 23/07/2021 21:35

@Nicknacky

Why can’t I work out what last weeks was?!
Was it the F1?!
Buppers · 23/07/2021 21:36

@Nicknacky

Why can’t I work out what last weeks was?!
I can't, either. No clue.

OP, I'm afraid YAB completely U about this.

Whiskycav · 23/07/2021 21:36

How old are the kids?

And what activities are they doing?

A doctor told you, your kids should isolate for 5 days and take a test before they can see you?

What happened when they were in school?

Whiskycav · 23/07/2021 21:37

Do you mean the euros final?

Briarshollow · 23/07/2021 21:38

May I ask roughly what your vulnerability is? I’m not requesting your specific medical information of course. It’s just it’s hard to gauge whether your strictness is proportionate. Are you undergoing cancer treatment? Or do you have a chronic lung condition?
It sounds like a really shit situation. But your children live full time with their father and he probably isn’t booking them fun activities just to spite you. That’s not to negate his abuse of you.

Original poster
Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:38

What is an RP? He is the main carer - not through my choice. I haven't had the energy to fight this - so currently I have lost my lifesavings, all my assets, my home and access to the children.

It's been a while - they are teens. Two came round and sat in my garden for an hour .

OP posts:
Drivingmeupthewall · 23/07/2021 21:39

@Nicknacky

Why can’t I work out what last weeks was?!
Euros. Surely?
GrettaGreen · 23/07/2021 21:40

So if the teens were living with you full time, what would be the solution that would balance you being safe versus them having their social needs met?

Original poster
Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:41

A doctor told you, your kids should isolate for 5 days and take a test before they can see you? Only after a high risk event - ie thousands of people or indoors for an extended period without masks.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 23/07/2021 21:41

@Drivingmeupthewall Euros final was 11th July.

Pingued · 23/07/2021 21:41

Oh you poor thing Flowers and it must be hard on them too. I think it would be reasonable in the circumstances to work out some way they can not do anything exciting for 5 days to see you. Would it mean not going to the park etc too? I suppose that would have to be their choice if it meant they couldn't leave their house and do a voluntary isolation, would it have to be that extreme?

Drivingmeupthewall · 23/07/2021 21:42

[quote Nicknacky]@Drivingmeupthewall Euros final was 11th July.[/quote]
Oh yeah. Christ. I’ve lost a week. 😨

Nicknacky · 23/07/2021 21:42

So surely they aren’t at these massive events EVERY week?

Pingued · 23/07/2021 21:43

@Noclue88

A doctor told you, your kids should isolate for 5 days and take a test before they can see you? Only after a high risk event - ie thousands of people or indoors for an extended period without masks.
I see! So it's even less restrictive on them than I thought. Then your ex is being very unreasonable to not just have 1 slightly less exciting week so they can see you.
Whiskycav · 23/07/2021 21:44

@Noclue88

A doctor told you, your kids should isolate for 5 days and take a test before they can see you? Only after a high risk event - ie thousands of people or indoors for an extended period without masks.
I still can't figure the event that they went to.

Its difficult because it must be so hard for you. But the kids should have a good summer.

As they are all teens they can all choose to come and see you.

Couldn't you have arranged to have them for a week or more, in one go, then they only need to isolate once?

School is fairly high risk tbh. Especially secondaries.