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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Using covid as a controlling behaviour or AIBU?

44 replies

Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:20

I am separated and CEV.

The Ex was always very controlling - financially, emotionally and physically. He decides when I can see the children and what they can do. This will change hopefully but I'm not well enough to fight this now.

Now he's taking the kids to many indoor and high risk places even after I asked him not to do all of these. There are plenty of other activities with much less covid risk. We had a discussion and I said I would like them to be 5 days post high risk activity and neg lat flow min before I see them again - as per my doctor's advice. I'm also in and out of hospital requiring periods of isolation for me and anyone who stays with me (normally the kids)

It seems that I won't see them all summer now as I've received a list of the things that have been booked. His argument is that I am being unreasonable and I have to suck it up if I get covid and miss treatment.

The kids want to do the exciting things planned and I can't blame them but I can't explain to them in a way they understand that it means I can't see them. They think from their mates that covid is nothing more than a cold.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 23/07/2021 21:45

How many kids do you have?

Whiskycav · 23/07/2021 21:46

[quote Nicknacky]@Drivingmeupthewall Euros final was 11th July.[/quote]
I was thinking maybe when op said last week she was being loose. As in it was part of last week.

I can't think of an event with thousands of people indoors, that families would have attended that we all would know.

Original poster

Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:46

So if the teens were living with you full time, what would be the solution that would balance you being safe versus them having their social needs met?

I agree with the point you're making. And I don't mind a few high risk activities - but every single week is what I don't like.

May be I'm fighting the wrong thing here. Maybe I'm ill and tired and can;t think straight which is why this is a useful sounding board. Maybe I'm bitter as he closed the accounts with all money it, won't give me a penny from a home that is 50% mine and will only let me see the kids if it suits him.

I did what most Mn's would advice when you are being abused which is leave. Except I have screwed myself over completely.

OP posts:

Fl0w3ry · 23/07/2021 21:46

That sounds like a difficult situation for you. I guess it depends on what sort of illness you have and what sort of treatment you are having. If it's something that wipes out your immune system I think you are reasonable for feeling as you do.
But at the same time it's important for your kids to be kids, the pandemic has hit children hardest, they have missed out on so much of their childhood.
If they attended school they would have been risking covid anyway.
I can understand it might feel like your ex is point-scoring and that might be hurtful to you, but your kids will have such a fun summer and that will be great for them. Maybe get them to take lots of photos or speak to your consultant again to see if they can see a way around it so that you can see them inbetween. That's all easier said than done though, I know. Maybe you should look at it another way -your ex is keeping your kids busy so that you can focus on you and your treatment.

Keepthemusicgoing · 23/07/2021 21:46

This is really hard but if they are teens then they are probably old enough to decide what they want to do too, and aren’t choosing to forgo it to see you. I have teens and they can be selfish at times in their own way. Hard for them to see the bigger picture

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2021 21:48

Who do you feel is using covid as a way of maintaining control, you or your ex?

Have they been going to school this year?

Whiskycav · 23/07/2021 21:48

I did what most Mn's would advice when you are being abused which is leave. Except I have screwed myself over completely.

I have said this alot. I left. But you have to be so careful how you do. I lost my daughter for 2 years to him. Thankfully she realised what was going on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2021 21:51

MN advice isn’t to leave the kids behind. I’ve never ever seen anyone suggest that. And I’ve rarely seen people advise leaving the family home unless it’s absolutely essential.

Are you married?

Lucked · 23/07/2021 21:52

Can’t you make the garden vista 1-2 times per week? Short frequent visits may be easier to handle if you are sick. You see them and they get their summer fun.

Original poster

Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:52

They have carried on at school as normal. I assumed possibly wrongly that F1 and music festivals are much higher risk - especially the latter - all that dancing in tents!

@Whiskycav I'm so sorry to hear that. I left very suddenly due to safety issues. Now I'm realising that wasn't necessarily the right idea

OP posts:

GrettaGreen · 23/07/2021 21:54

You need to tread carefully here as you might see this as a battle with your ex but your teens might see it as a battle you're having with them.

Can you have a video call with them to chat things through properly sobthey understand where you're coming from. Unless it's something visible and clear they might not fully understand how unwell you are and as typical teens are just hearing you don't want them going anywhere.

ahoyshipmates · 23/07/2021 21:54

[quote Nicknacky]@Drivingmeupthewall Euros final was 11th July.[/quote]
Yeah, I think it was probably the F1 at Silverstone. Only a quarter of a million people there over last weekend. Our NDN went with his dc, he said it was hellish.

Original poster

Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:55

*And I’ve rarely seen people advise leaving the family home unless it’s absolutely essential.

Are you married?* It was essential and yes. Rare situation possibly. Took me 3 months to find a place/ I couldn't sofa surf with kids during covid hence leaving them. Massive error

OP posts:

Original poster

Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 21:56

Can’t you make the garden vista 1-2 times per week? Short frequent visits may be easier to handle if you are sick. You see them and they get their summer fun.

Thank you. I'll do this.

I don't mind being told IBU because I thought I might be.Sometimes you can't think straight!

OP posts:

Whiskycav · 23/07/2021 21:59

@Noclue88

They have carried on at school as normal. I assumed possibly wrongly that F1 and music festivals are much higher risk - especially the latter - all that dancing in tents!

@Whiskycav I'm so sorry to hear that. I left very suddenly due to safety issues. Now I'm realising that wasn't necessarily the right idea

Op it was essential I left too.

I did take the kids, but also let them see their dad as they wanted to. But, yes with the oldest it ended up shit. He tried it with the youngest, but it didn't work.

But 5 years down the line they are both with me. Through choice.

Sometimes there isn't a choice but to leave.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2021 22:27

Are they safe living with him if he’s abusive?

goddessofmischief · 23/07/2021 22:31

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are they safe living with him if he’s abusive?

This. If you left them with him to get away yourself, this a good point to raise. You're not in a good position now to raise questions if you left them behind.

MichelleScarn · 23/07/2021 22:34

How old are they as teens? 13/15 is.v different to 17/19.
Are they choosing to go these activities or is he forcing them?

Original poster

Noclue88 · 23/07/2021 22:44

Police and social happy with him having the children. I would agree - kids safe with him. Issue was him and me.

They are young teens happy to get out of house, something they need and deserve. It’s just the nature of going to large events outdoors or indoors with lots of others, I have an issue with. But my situation is probably making me unreasonable

OP posts:

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