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Original poster

Tween and WhatsApp do you allow it?

39 replies

justeatavocado · 23/07/2021 20:37

To let me 11.5 year old daughter to have WhatsApp?

I have said no, she messages her friends but they are all on WhatsApp and she keeps asking for it.

I'm in two frames of mind. I hate the idea of the groups and it's age is 16!!! However it appears all her peers have it, then I worry she will be feeling left out/cut off from friends.

It's so hard being a parent of a tween now. ☹️ knowing the right thing to do,

Does your 11 year old have it? Do you have any ground rules if they do?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2021 20:41

No sorry.

Having all her friends 'in' your house 24/7 isn't healthy. Bullying, all sorts.

My SIL's daughter's friend was sending sexual stuff a year older than yours because there wasn't enough supervision.

Retrievemysanity · 23/07/2021 20:49

My 10 year old doesn’t have a phone but has Hangouts on her iPad which I guess is similar in that she can message her friends separately or in groups. We got it during the first lockdown so she could keep in touch with her friends and we’ve just kept it as she uses it to message her cousin too who lives a long way away.

If she had a phone (and she probably will do when she starts secondary next year), I will let her have WhatsApp if she wants too.

Our rules with hangouts are that I can check messages if I want to. We don’t have devices in bedrooms overnight so they’re not in the house 24/7 like pp mentioned.

She has a lovely group of friends and I know them and their parents well and we don’t have any issues with bullying at the moment. The ‘chats’ are mainly them sending emojis to each other! I view it as the modern day equivalent of me sitting on the stairs when I was that age chatting to my friends on the phone that was plugged into the wall!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/07/2021 20:57

My 10yo does.
I check it regularly.
She can only add contacts after asking.
She only has her phone for 1-2hrs a day.

I wish she didn't have SM so young. But it has helped with friendship issues.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/07/2021 20:58

She also chats to grandparents and her cousin on it. (Her cousin is 14).

MajesticWhine · 23/07/2021 21:01

My 11 year old has it. As far as I know the only group chat she is on is our family one. She has school friends she talks to but that's via regular SMS not WhatsApp. Honestly, I think WhatsApp is the least of our worries.

Original poster
justeatavocado · 23/07/2021 23:19

Thanks guys - anyone else?

OP posts:
stclair · 23/07/2021 23:28

My dd got it when she was 11. She doesn’t have it anymore though (nearly 12). I think they are too young to cope with the etiquette of it. Eg, adding people to groups who don’t want to be, them deleting themselves but others constantly adding them back, large group chats with different interests annoying each other when too much said about a particular topic, being added to a group of strangers by someone in contact and inappropriate chat for age ……the list goes on! No, we haven’t had a happy experience.

Darbs76 · 23/07/2021 23:28

Yes my daughters had it since year 6. Literally the whole class were on it so I agreed. She’s 13.5 and doesn’t have any social media through choice so fine with this. Put a parental app on so you can see what she’s posting or check it daily if you’re worried

NelleBee · 23/07/2021 23:40

I let my 11 year old get WhatsApp during lockdown. He was very isolated. He chats with his friends from school and he’s in a group with all his cousins which he loves. He’s got his Dad and Step-mum on there too which benefits him.

His phone is linked up to my phone so I can control his screen time including when he can and can’t WhatsApp people. I also check his phone periodically to see who he is chatting to and skim for any inappropriate content. Mostly it’s just him and a couple friends chatting about Minecraft.

The worst thing about it is he keeps WhatsApping me when I’m only in the next room! Grin

SesTheBrave · 23/07/2021 23:41

My 12yo DS has had it for about a year. The rule is that I'm allowed to look at his phone and messages at any point.

There's been a few issues around who is admins for groups and a lot of pointless messages on group chats, to the extent he doesn't bother much with group chats anymore.

FelicityBeedle · 23/07/2021 23:43

It’s really no different to texting

stayathomer · 23/07/2021 23:45

No, came very close last year and then decided to wait until he was 13 (eldest 13 and just got a phone). Was relieved as the school has had to intervene twice in the last year in social media matters

NelleBee · 23/07/2021 23:45

Oh and with the parent controls we have I can also block him from talking to specific people. For example, friends get blocked from 8pm but he is always able to message me or his Dad.

Throughabushbackwards · 23/07/2021 23:47

DS has it but he only uses it to video call one other friend. His iPhone has parental controls so he can't add contacts without our approval in any case. We monitor it all very closely, he isn't in any WhatsApp groups at all.

buckeejit · 23/07/2021 23:48

My 8 & 11 yo have it. I check it & keep discussions open. People friending them on online games is more of a concern I think

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2021 23:52

I let my dc have it summer he started high school. I check it most nights and he brings it to me if anything is said.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 23/07/2021 23:52

My DD same age and I’ve just got her a phone and allowed her to have WhatsApp.

All her friends are on it and I know most of the parents and kids.

Rule is I can check it regularly and she only has the phone a couple of hours a day at the moment. I’m going to look into the parental control apps.

I’m a bit worried, as a PP said they’re not really mature enough to deal with the etiquette of it. Although I think they pick it up pretty fast. Also my DD at the moment is quite keen to check with me before she posts certain things !

funtimefrank · 23/07/2021 23:54

Like others mine have it - just finished yr 6.

I can check any time and do. Mostly it's just small groups of 2 or 3 but we have had the whole class group fiasco and Dd2 recently got caught out bringing in an argument from the playground into the group chat. That got picked up by us and school and as a consequence she has had a phone ban and left the group. On the other hand it's helped with friendships especially with her club mates who go to different schools.

Also no phones allowed in bedrooms.

So my advice is if you allow it, monitor it well.

Miranda15110 · 24/07/2021 00:26

No, my son 11 is actually pleased I said no when he asked. It's the source of much bad behaviour and inappropriate comms in his class. One kid who uses her mums phone (along with older sibling) to access the App shared a dick pic with half the kids in the class. The fallout from that was spectacular.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 24/07/2021 01:22

My dd is 12, she has WhatsApp and has done since she got her phone over a year ago.

Rules here are - i can check messages whenever and without warning. I periodically check. If she feels uncomfortable or unsure about anything someone has said she must tell me. She knows how to mute and leave groups (as she did when girls became bitchy to each other. She said "thats unkind" and left the group!) And finally the most important rule - if I find she has bullied/been nasty or shared anything inappropriate she will immediately lose her phone and be given the most basic one to make calls on (not a smart phone). Doubly hard as she has no other access to technology/gaming/tv that is her own!

So far so good, she is very open with me. She leaves her phone downstairs at night without argument. I know the log in for her phone (only me, not her dad. He agrees with this. Only because she talks about girl stuff with friends and would be embarrassed if he saw. I would tell him if there was anything concerning)

WhatsApp has also been helpful for sharing photos or asking for help on homework on class groups. Eg the other week she had forgotten her homework she had been working on, she messaged me from the bus and I could WhatsApp her a photo of it to show the teacher.

SE13Mummy · 24/07/2021 02:00

My Y7 has had it since this time last year so she could stay in touch with a group from her hobby plus a couple of friends who moved away at the end of Y6 - they don't all have iPhones so weren't able to access some of the similar apps.

Ground rules specific to WhatsApp are:

  • no forwarding of chain messages
  • be kind and be friendly or don't bother
  • send people invitations to join groups, don't just add them
  • challenge unkindness or report to an adult
  • no blocking of people without checking with me first
  • daily limit is 30 minutes

General phone rules:

  • enforced down time is set for 8pm to 7am
  • phones are not in bedrooms overnight
  • if it's used for being unkind, it will be taken away
  • it's OK to not give someone your number/to block theirs but be consistent i.e. don't block and unblock repeatedly
  • use your brain; if someone doesn't reply immediately it doesn't necessarily mean they hate you!
  • if I ask to see your messages etc., I expect them to be suitable for me to see (silliness is fine, bullying or body parts pics are not)
GlacindaTheTroll · 24/07/2021 06:30

WhatsApp is no different to texting

And much better for group chats

SE13's list seems a good one.

The important thing is to talk about cyber security and netiquette before they hit secondary school (ideally well beforehand) and before they start wanting Snapchat or others which can be way more problematic than the texting apps

KingdomScrolls · 24/07/2021 06:53

I work with sexual offending and I don't know how I'm ever going to let DS have his own smart phone with some of the things I've seen. I realise my job means I see the worst of it and I'm quite tech savvy so would use parental control apps etc. A case I was involved in recently two twelve year old girls reported a male to CEOPS and whilst that's admirable, it just made me so sad that children that young even know what CEOPS is. Both of those girls were from good homes had lots of parental support and monitoring etc, it didn't stop it happening to them and whilst they weren't contact offences actually what he did/said/sent violated then and will have a long term impact

girlmom21 · 24/07/2021 06:55

If she's already messaging her friends WhatsApp is no different.

Set some ground rules.

VerySmallPears · 24/07/2021 07:04

We waited until end of Y8 to allow WhatsApp. That got us past the worse of the Y7 learning how to use it nastiness with school having to get involved, and the Y8 friendship drama (there’s a ‘thing’ about being unkind by reading but not responding to messages, it’s odd but very important if you’re 13, it turns out).

We also have Qustudio (net nanny), have set WhatsApp so that she can’t be added to groups by people not in her contacts, and have parental controls limiting time on her phone. She has no other social media, and can’t download apps without a parent approving them.

Of course, we talk a lot about internet safety, too. I hope this will be enough…