To be scared of men?

[Menissues]

Hi. I wonder if anyone can help. I think I'm scared of men.
I've had some bad experiences and now I spend my life avoiding them and 2nd guessing every move and motive if/ when I'm dating. I never get past 2nd date.

Are you scared of men or do you struggle to communicate with men? You say you never.get to a second date but I'm assuming you're not actually scared of them if you're getting first dates?

Yeah I think I go all gusto for the 1st date then as it progresses I find things wrong on purpose to put a stop to it ! Not normal is it?

That's actually probably a lot more common than you think. We often jeopardise situations that put us outside of our comfort zone.

Have you been through painful relationships before? Are you new to dating?

Are you scared they might be unsafe or are you scared they might hurt you in a romantic way? Like scared of getting your heart broken or scared they might actually be a serial killer or hurt you in some way?

Like heart break. I remember when I was 18 I was seeing a 25 year and I was very young 18. He kicked off once and told me he had genital warts. I was still a virgin and like omg. He also texted me alot of abuse and instead of blocking him (if that was a thing then) I took it. I went to an all girls school and only had female siblings so men were a weird thing to me

Being scared of letting yourself be vulnerable to open up and potentially get hurt is very normal. That said, it sounds like you've had some very bad experiences which have caused your walls to go up and create a barrier. You're self-aware enough to realise that you are sabotaging it in a way so you don't get passed the 2nd date.

Have you recently rejoined the dating world or is have you been dipping your toe in then running away for a while now?

I'm not a relationship expert but what I will say is it's really only you that can put an end to the sabotage. Part of playing the game is accepting that you might lose. That said, I'd always encourage strong boundaries; i.e. run at the first sign of a red flag, don't ignore it or think you will be able to 'change him'.

Perhaps don't go so gung-ho into a first date; try and reframe it in your mind as getting to know someone. Take away some of the pressure of 'I must find a partner'. Treat it with caution of course but not so far that you end up speeding off for no apparent reason.

Aftet the experience at 18 I didnt really bother. I really like the person he pretended to be. Then I.lost my virginity late to someone who basically told me it was crap then I got married quickly to the wrong person now I'm a single mum.

You’re not scared of men if you are going on dates with them, maybe scared of getting into a relationship/ getting hurt but that doesn’t make you scared of men.

Maybe. I just dont think this is normal

It’s not compulsory to date. Men are, by and large, pretty awful. There are exceptions of course but I’m yet to meet one who doesn’t have some degree of deeply ingrained misogyny, even if they’re not aware of it themselves, or working hard not to have it. It’s what society shapes men into. I have platonic male friends but made a conscious decision not to date men anymore and I’m much happier.

It's like this guy I've been on 2 dates with I'm stalling because a 3rd date is like

Then don’t date? Nothing wrong with being by yourself. Maybe seek counselling if you are worried. You clearly aren't afraid of men, you just sound like you aren’t ready to date.

Agree with don’t date then, it’s not THAT unusual, I’ve been single for 5 years, no one has to date

But I do like some of them and I regret letting it go so I dont want to miss out. I'm happy being single but someone would be nice.

It's like I'm described as aloof but really funny by dates!

Is anyone there?

I’m scared if men to op - do you want to date men?

Are you looking for companionship or romance?

I want to be in a normal relationship but I dont know what normal is really. I like sex but i never feel comfortable with anyone to enjoy it.

Many people rush these things because they feel that somehow it is abnormal to feel shy about relationships….but the truth is, you should feel uncomfortable at first…. It is normal.
It can take a long time to feel ready for sex that’s why you should take any potential relationship slowly. Don’t allow yourself to feel pressured. There’s no way I’d feel comfortable by a second - third or even fourth date. Maybe even months.

Why are you scared of men? If I can ask that? X

Because of this…. I’m always very careful who I spend time with. I don’t trust easily.

How do I tell this man I dont want to see him again?

@Menissues "it was lovely to meet you but I don't see this going any further. I'm sure you'll meet someone more compatible soon. Take care x"

I got some counselling with a male counsellor after being sexually assaulted and found that really helpful as it allowed me to make a close, non sexual connection with a safe and understanding man.

I've always felt more comfortable with men that women but struggled for a while after the incident.