dh always inviting people back when I want to just relax

[medlenno]

since restrictions ended (and when they were garden only) my dh always asks parents of children who are schoolmates (the ones he likes) to come back to have pizza (we have a pizza oven, so it's quite a hoohah) to drink his home brew. One parent (the one here now) is the 'go with the flow type' and his daughter has no bedtime (kids are 9-12) and never picks up the cues that at 11 or 10 at night is time to effing go already. He sometimes brings his speakers so we have amplified reggae in the garden ;( So I have to basically ask, explaining x y z or whatever. I need to go to bed, because hints don't work and even then it's such a tortuous long drawn out leaving that I almost lose my shit)

He works a few nights as week, I work earlies and lates and some weekend days. The last thing I need after being stuck in a boiling hot room all day with a headset and 4 screens is to go down 'GO WITH THE FLOW' Literally no lunch break, haven't left the house, just want to clear up and go to bed after and oh, I'm working 7am tomorrow as well.

I specifically asked DH not to bring him back today (there was a steady run of this over the Euros and I bit my tongue. But I just feel overrun and like the little time I do have (any day off in recent months has gone in a puff of smoke due to bubbles bursting etc)

I am sociable, but just not now. I had asked, and he agreed but obviously doesn't care. I end up being the harridan.

I can smell burning smoke, electric guitars (like as in real ones as my daughter is now showing off to him without headphones in the amp) anfd guffaws (that I usually like the sound of but it's making me cross now)

of course YANBU

it's both your home, you both should compromise. He can agree in advance which evenings he has people over, and he can go to the pub for the others if he feels like socialising.

If all still there at 7/8pm - Right as you know I am on an early tomorrow and need to get up at 5.30 am.
Lets get tidied up and sorted so I can go to bed in peace as I am shattered and really need some sleep.
Look pointedly at visitor - Are you helping with the washing up, or just taking your children home now?
As he goes ummmm, you say Ok kids get your stuff together/put your shoes on/ etc. We will see you next time.
Start clearing, give stuff to your own kids to take in, tell x or y time for a shower, who wants to get in first. Oh, Dh, . Firm, bright, but this makes it very clear the evening is over. Your neighbours will love you for a quiet evening as well.

thanks coffeebeans- yes I end up doing that but the doorside chitchat still goes on and I'm left with an oblivious slightly pissed husband (to be fair off a night shift so weirdly 'wired' but not in tip top shape) and children not in bed and although dishwasher done, basically otherwise a bombsite.

You are both unreasonable to be playing amplified music in the garden on a regular basis. Hope your neighbours aren't close.

my husband was a hedonist type and sociable before kids so I knew this, but having children, dealing with a house/pets/weird working hours now from home just piles up and piles up. I work double the hours of my husband - although his are at night and brutal) and even my saturday morning run (unless I'm working like tomorrow is the one clear undeadlined time I have is now being encroached upon because he wants to ride his bike (my bike has been pushed into the sideway to make way for his spendy one in the hall now he's taken cycling up). I've dug my heels in but sometimes I just feel he gets his own way all the time - even though he is ALWAYS the victim if I raise an objection.

Feel sorry for you,and your poor neighbours.

I would stick to my normal routine - put the kids to bed at the normal time, go to bed yourself at the normal time etc. Act as if the visitor isn't here. (I know it will still be annoying, but maybe less than it would be otherwise?)

I am not playing the amped music though and never would- they are. I'm jammed up here unable to leave my screens (think air traffic control job sorta thing) and have texted etc to stop. It's started up again now.

He had a row with the
woman next door when she called him entitled (i secretly agree with her, even though it was an unreasonable complaint and I was doing normal diy in middle of the day)

the visitor's kid is with my youngest - so I can't put her to bed when they are here -

What will he do if you spell out to him thal he clears up the bombsite (of his making) before his ride? You will be working.

Has he explained why he agreed not to do this when he clearly had no intention of actually following through? It doesn't really matter what the activity is - you specifically asked him not to do that today and he agreed. That's dickish however you cut it.

passive aggressive shit or walking off while Im talking and an incomplete job I reckon.

I I ever challenge him he will either ignore me or attack me, He has never said a genuine sorry (sometimes one of those pat ones)

He does as he wishes but makes a big deal of being hard done by

it's not mega loud - not complainable level, it's just bit 'why do you think this is ok?'

Split the kids when you want them to leave.

Ok you are going home in a minute. get ready for shower/bedtime routine.
Usher vc downstairs/out. Be firm but nice. No arguments or oh but we . . . It's well you can play again but not now. Usher vc out to it's father & say goodbye. You then walk away.

Does he have any upsides? Because he sounds like a selfish arse who treats you as very much subservient to him.

medlenno

passive aggressive shit or walking off while Im talking and an incomplete job I reckon.

Well if he wants to behave like an oafish teen, treat him like one & be PA back. Padlock his bike & don't unlock it until he has cleared up properly.
You are partners. He can have fun. But why should it be at the expense of your time & sleep?

Just walk out. Go to a friend's house. Let him deal with the debris and aftermath and put the kids to bed. Text him to let him know where you are then turn off your phone.

You can put your DD to bed whenever you like!! Just say 'bedtime now DD, say bye to X' and take her in.

You don't sound like a doormat, but you are doing some doormatty things. Be assertive.

Your husband is sounding more of a dick as the thread goes on.

If you split he could have his loud gatherings , in his own home , and you could live your life the way you want to.

I would fucking kill him.

I know this is said a lot, but what the fuck are you doing with this bellend? You sound nice and normal, and he sounds like he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

Sounds like you have one extra kid than the you should have.Its the same as the real kids, either treat him like a kid or tell him to grow up.

Oh god, OP, your neighbours must bloody hate you.

Sounds like ‘going with the flow’ means only one thing: going with his flow. It’s just an excuse to do whatever the fuck he wants at any given moment, regardless of you or anyone else, and it’s easy for him to control the narrative by accusing anyone who disagrees with him of being uptight. Let me guess, is he a ‘fun dad’ too, while you do everything else? Makes you into the bad cop in every situation where some actual parenting is required?

He sounds like an entitled manchild, and even the most fun and outgoing people end up worn down, short tempered and exhausted when they’re the only adult in their relationship.

Stand up for yourself. Define your own flow and tell him he needs to bloody well go with it.

OH went fishing came back with quite a haul. Wanted people around. It's 30c our garden has no shade, I feel ill with the heat. I thought of the shopping I would have to do, prepping all the other crap, cleaning etc. Said no. Apparently I am NOT a good wife.

I did offer to go out and leave him to it