Feel like such a bad mum

[prefulg]

My youngest is 11, 12 in a few months. My other DCs are adults. When he was about 18 months, he had bronchitis and was admitted to hospital for about 3-4 days.

As a toddler, he was very aggressive, we didn't really give him consequences, we just told him ‘no’. When he started school, he was the same, he'd hit other children for no reason. We did give him consequences for that though, like no treats etc. He was suspected to have ADHD by school but it was ruled out. He did start behaving at school, although he'd still hit other children and when asked why he used to say it was ‘funny’. He also was excluded once.

He's still very violent at home, he's also started telling us to fuck off and to ‘die’ whenever we try to discipline him. He finished primary school yesterday, and he already started being violent towards us. I just feel like a bad mum, none of my older DCs were like this, they were kind to everyone and would never hit anyone!

I just feel like I've raised a bully and I dread him starting secondary school in September!

I’ll just warn you now op, you will get a barrage of judgement and probable abuse from other posters. I however have a lot of sympathy for parents like yourself, unruly behaviour is not always down to parenting.

Why do you think he behaves so differently to your other children?

I'm sorry OP, that sounds really difficult. Have you engaged with any services who might be able to help?
You said there was no consequences for bad behaviour, is that still the case?
One of my DC had anger issues stemming from a trauma they experienced and we used an amazing play therapist who really really helped

What do you think is the cause of his behaviour? Do you still think he may have adhd or do you think its a discipline problem? Could you ask for him to be assessed again

"When he was about 18 months, he had bronchitis and was admitted to hospital for about 3-4 days."

I'm curious as to why you included this detail.

The only thing we did differently was not giving him any consequences when he used to be aggressive as a toddler (my other DCs weren't very aggressive anyway though!). We have been giving him consequences since he started school though, when he was younger it was he couldn't have sweets for x number of days but now he's older we take his iPad off of him but it makes him more violent.

I don't think he does have ADHD as he started being well behaved at school (most of the time!) and he is well behaved at home when he wants to be and he's almost always well behaved when we're out somewhere.

@suspiria777

"When he was about 18 months, he had bronchitis and was admitted to hospital for about 3-4 days."

I'm curious as to why you included this detail.

Because, after that we started letting him get away with things and would give him whatever he wanted, but that stopped before he started school.

If you thought he may have adhd it would really have been best to get the diagnosis and things put into place before secondary school. He's got massive changes coming up which will cause anxiety for anyone especially ones who are already stressed. I took my dd age 6 to the doctors and she was assessed.

Have you spoken to your GP, op? I have no idea where else to start, but there must be some help somewhere.

One of my sisters was the unruliest teenager you can imagine. She was also the one who had life threatening health issues, multiple spells in hospital, who was always given what she wanted, and didn't hear the word 'no' too often, as a result.

3-4 days in hospital at an age he won’t remember and you never disciplined him ? Sorry OP, but it’s the lack of consequences and never being told ‘no’. What did you think would happen?

Can you afford to get outside professional help with this? If so I'd contact school and ask for an assessment (just in case) and in the interim perhaps speak to your GP and see if there are any services they could suggest. Perhaps family therapy or a parenting coach may be helpful?

I think it's important to accept that there is a problem and that you probably need help to fix it. Seeking help, even if that's coaching for you and your husband in how to consistently put in boundaries and consequences, will be useful.

Good luck!

I'm sorry OP, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, some kids are just like that I think, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you

Well it's a little late but you need to go on a parenting course. In the meantime have a read of some parenting books. I like 'how to speak so kids will listen'. I'm sure someone can recommend for a preteen.
I very much doubt your child has added or anything medically wrong with him, however you could ask your very busy GP to check it out for you if you must. Although this sounds like a way to absolve yourself of responsibility to me.
The next step is implementing some consequences for actions. I cant suggest anything for an 11 yo because I have younger kids who I told no to and implemented various age appropriate consequences.
I would take a look at his diet, limit sweets and treats for actual treat times.
Probably limit his tech as well until he starts being nice.
Good luck.

I think you need to seek professional help. A friend of mine did similar with her only boy and has had 26 years of misery. He has beaten and abused each of them with no consequences in fact when he broke a pool cue hitting his older sister, she went and bought him a better one the next day. At twelve you are going to have one hell of a battle to put rules and boundaries in place because he's not going to give in easily. Speak to your GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS.

My DS has been in hospital twice with Bronchiolitis and needed oxygen. Very daunting but I didn’t suddenly let him get away with murder afterwards, a bit weird you’ve managed to use this as an excuse!

Have you involved CAMHS at all? They can be quite helpful, suppose like anything it depends on your local area but they’ve been helpful where I live for my DD who had anxiety. You need to speak to the GP as well, that level of anger and aggression isn’t normal.

Start consequences now. One of mine acted differently at school and was unruly at home. We joined forces with school and worked together. The idea was to ensure he gets consequences consistently in both places.
Took us months but we got there in the end. Thankfully, for us, it was a phase apparently as DC was never like that before.

Hi OP, I think probably because he was quite poorly when he was a baby it changed your view of him and probably was to soft because you never stoped feeling guilty that he was so ill. I have a family member who is very similar - large age gap between siblings and needed hospital operations when a baby.

To be honest he was a little sod. He was even worse when he had sweets and ice lollies.

He was marked out before he even got to secondary school and the secondary school got in touch with my friend to talk about the large file the primary school had sent over about him. He did not have any SN.

She was really mortified.

She bought the book 'raising boys', took his consoles off him for about six months, banned sweets and spent a lot of time out doors doing actives like walking, hiking, paddle boarding ect She also enrolled him in martial arts for outside discipline. His martial arts teacher was ace and really took him under his wing.

It think this happens lot tbh especially with children who have had a significant illness, parents do treat them differently because they carry the guilt of it.

You can absolutely turn this around but you have to get to grips with it.

He does have consequences now and we do say no to him so he doesn't always get his own way.

Hi OP,

That’s really hard for you and your family to deal with. Your DS school can make a referral to services for you -there is a lot out there and supporting parents with behavioural issues will be usual stuff for them. The FLO at his school will also be able to talk to you about strategies at home too.. you’re doing the right thing getting help now at his age and if your older children have not been like this then it’s most likely a temperamental thing for your DS that may need a different parenting approach by you .. it will improve as he’s able to contain himself in other settings - that’s a good indicator it can be sorted😀

I can't believe you never disciplined him because he was poorly as a baby. Hospital for four days is hardly a reason to be allowed to do what you want for the rest of your life

As a teacher, it is evident you are a caring parent and in my professional experience, his behaviour is not down to your brief leniency of sanctions but potentially an issue with his mental health? I'd consult with GP for a referral with a psychologist x

@YoComoManzanas

Well it's a little late but you need to go on a parenting course. In the meantime have a read of some parenting books. I like 'how to speak so kids will listen'. I'm sure someone can recommend for a preteen. I very much doubt your child has added or anything medically wrong with him, however you could ask your very busy GP to check it out for you if you must. Although this sounds like a way to absolve yourself of responsibility to me. The next step is implementing some consequences for actions. I cant suggest anything for an 11 yo because I have younger kids who I told no to and implemented various age appropriate consequences. I would take a look at his diet, limit sweets and treats for actual treat times. Probably limit his tech as well until he starts being nice. Good luck.

There is a "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen" as well! Same authors.

It sounds like you have been giving him consequences since he was 5 (6 years), and the period you didn't was between 18m and 5 (3.5 years) So you have actually been giving them for longer overall. So I would not necessarily blame a lack of discipline.