Feel like such a bad mum

[prefulg]

My youngest is 11, 12 in a few months. My other DCs are adults. When he was about 18 months, he had bronchitis and was admitted to hospital for about 3-4 days.

As a toddler, he was very aggressive, we didn't really give him consequences, we just told him ‘no’. When he started school, he was the same, he'd hit other children for no reason. We did give him consequences for that though, like no treats etc. He was suspected to have ADHD by school but it was ruled out. He did start behaving at school, although he'd still hit other children and when asked why he used to say it was ‘funny’. He also was excluded once.

He's still very violent at home, he's also started telling us to fuck off and to ‘die’ whenever we try to discipline him. He finished primary school yesterday, and he already started being violent towards us. I just feel like a bad mum, none of my older DCs were like this, they were kind to everyone and would never hit anyone!

don't think he does have ADHD as he started being well behaved at school (most of the time!) and he is well behaved at home when he wants to be and he's almost always well behaved when we're out somewhere.

I wouldn't rule it out, it sounds like some of his behaviour is extreme, and whilst he might just be 'naughty', if it is something more it'll do him the world of good to have it diagnosed. If the primary school suspected it that can be quite unusual.

If he does have ADHD then the effort to be well behaved at school and often at home may be so much strain it leads him to lash out. That is quite common in neuro diverse children. Does he have any signs of ADHD despite his mainly being well behaved?

As a teacher having adhd doesn't necessarily make a child "badly behaved" though it is likely they have not heard everything said in the course of a lesson.
I agree with pp if the school thought he had it there must have been something there. Is he about to start secondary? A good opportunity to raise you continuing concerns with the new school and head towards getting some support. This won't necessarily help at home though

@Mistressiggi

As a teacher having adhd doesn't necessarily make a child "badly behaved" though it is likely they have not heard everything said in the course of a lesson. I agree with pp if the school thought he had it there must have been something there. Is he about to start secondary? A good opportunity to raise you continuing concerns with the new school and head towards getting some support. This won't necessarily help at home though

But the new school won't know him and the old school no longer have anything to do with him. Plus the summer holidays have literally just started. This should have all been in place way before secondary school started.

But we can only deal with where we are now! If there are issues in school I can't see why these wouldn't already be passed on to the secondary by the primary. I'm more thinking that a new school could restart an assessment process, if that is what the Op would like to go for.

I think before she will get referred the school will need to make a statement as evidence to support the referral.

I'm not in the same U.K. country, but our approach was - speak to GP who refer to CAHMS for assessment, which involved contacting the school after the initial assessment

My wee girl had a 50/50 chance of surviving birth, then surgeries at 6 days old and further surgery at 18 months. I completely understand letting them away with murder because you're just so grateful to have them with you, but equally doing so will just create a monster. I think at almost 12 you maybe need some professional help to get him back on an even keel before he says the wrong thing to the wrong person. Violence is never acceptable. Does he have a good relationship with his siblings? Would a chat from one of them about how his behaviour is unacceptable have any impact?

@YoComoManzanas why do you think that there isn't anything 'medically wrong with him'. And are you referring to ADHD?

@prefulg being well behaved some or all of the time isn't a sign that a person doesn't have ADHD.

Was he given antibiotics for the bronchitis at 18 months op?

I'm sorry but the bit about bronchitis is just ridiculous why would that determine how to discipline a child?

I agree with other posters I'd take advice from your GP - I know a Mum who's done goes to foster parents for respite/ behavioural support and it's really helped the whole family

You need to address this now before secondary school but telling you to F off and die, he's heard that somewhere

I hear you. One of my three has type 1 diabetes and you do tend to let them get away with a bit more as they go through so much and you are so grateful that they are still here. I am aware that I need to change this a bit as I don’t want them turning into a spoilt teen - but it’s hard.

Domestic abuse services may have support in place for when children are violent/ abusive to parent. You should be able to self refer. If you have an early gel service they may be able to offer help and support look on your local council website and look at what support is available in your area.

It's really important you realize you are not to blame! There are many reasons a child or young person can be aggressive/ abusive to their parents. Specialist help will be able to help you understand his behavior and how you may be able to implement change.
Pm me if you have any questions or need some support.