Being told how much to give for present

[Erwhatno]

I know I’m not bu but grrr

A family member has been in touch with my wife about another family members birthday. Without asking, they have bought a very expensive object as a present, and expect wife and her three siblings to contribute it to equally. So they’ve basically divided it in five and said ‘you owe x. If you can’t pay it in one go just do half now and half later’.

We usually spend a certain amount on presents. This is a ‘big’ birthday so we would usually have spent more. However, the cost of this is three times what we would normally spend, and twice what our ‘bigger present’ budget is. There’s no way I want to spend this much, and the manner of being told in this way has irked me.

Technically we have the money, but it’s certainly not ‘spare’ ifyswim and it would be taken out of budget for something else. Wife isn’t happy either but does not want to say she can’t afford it as technically we can and doesn’t want to look cheap as no one else has objected.

I resent the situation. Aibu?

I imagine the other people are thinking the same as you, but no one has the confidence to speak up. I suspect if you do then others will follow.

I would certainly resent being told how much I owe on a present I want consulted on, especially if I had to make sacrifices elsewhere in my budget to afford it.

Sorry but we have organised our own present...

I would just say 'Oh we've already sorted a gift, if you'd discussed this with us first we could have decided something together. I'm fine for you to split x gift 4 ways instead of 5 and we'll give what we've got'

It's definitely completely unreasonable on their part - very rude / entitled behaviour.

You can just respond with "Thanks for the opportunity to contribute but we're our own gift as we prefer to do it that way".

Tell then you have already bought a gift so won’t be contributing to another. I’d have no issues saying that and certainly wouldn’t be forced into something I hadn’t agreed to given I’m an adult and free to make my own choices.

Yes, say you've already bought something.

My grandmother on my fathers side always told me what to get her husband and herself

He would like a jumper from Marks & Spencers (for example)
And i will have ‘blah blah’ perfume. Totalling around £100
She didnt care when i was in college / uni / out of work, it was always the same

And in return, you would get something from the pound shop for me, its not that i was grabby, i 100% wasnt but it was the entitlement of it.
And they just werent very nice people either!

Really did annoy me

People cant dictate to you what to buy for someone else / how much to spend
Its not on

@Sparklfairy

I would just say 'Oh we've already sorted a gift, if you'd discussed this with us first we could have decided something together. I'm fine for you to split x gift 4 ways instead of 5 and we'll give what we've got'

Absolutely this (I mean, what IF you had actually already got another present?)

@Sparklfairy

I would just say 'Oh we've already sorted a gift, if you'd discussed this with us first we could have decided something together. I'm fine for you to split x gift 4 ways instead of 5 and we'll give what we've got'

This

Normally I prefer being told what someone wants, makes it easier for me, but being told after the fact that you owe a certain amount for something, someone else has already bought... no. Tell them you've already sorted your own present.

Agree with most others - just say you've already sorted your gift

Giving in could be even worse than you think, in that there'd be nothing to stop them doing the same thing next time ... and the next

Agree with other PP's 'sorry, we've already bought something, wish you'd have told us sooner.'

I think it depends on who it is and how old they are going to be. If it's possibly a GPs last birthday etc, then I'd let it slide. Likewise a parent, if it's a gift that they really want.

If the person asking for the money is a sibling/parent then I'd tell them that it's a lot more than I want to spend and see if I could just chip in.

@Returnoftheowl unfortunately the other people in this equation are a lot better off than we are. We’re not broke by any means but they are all six figure earners so the figure is nothing to them

Stand up for yourselves and say no. Say it should have been discussed, you've been given no chance to talk budgets or provide input, and you're doing your own thing.

I completely agree with you all but think wife was so taken aback she didn’t think to say that at the time, and think moment may have passed now?

[quote Erwhatno]@Returnoftheowl unfortunately the other people in this equation are a lot better off than we are. We’re not broke by any means but they are all six figure earners so the figure is nothing to them [/quote]
Then they can split it between the 4 of them when you tell them you've sorted your own gift 🤷‍♀️

Decide whether you want to contribute toward the joint gift and how much and send a message to this effect.
Or buy something by yourself and send a message.

“Hi CF’s. Thanks for the info about x’s birthday gift. We can continue £x towards the cost. Let me know if you are ok to cover the difference, if not we will arrange a separate gift this year’.

Don’t justify or explain.

The moment has not passed. She can even tell them that she was so taken aback by the audacity of them not even talking to them beforehand, she was left temporarily speechless. But she's now found her voice and she won't be joining in in their gift decision.

Op I presume you re a grownup? Honestly nobody can tell you how to spend your own bloody cash!!

Agree with the advice that you say you’ve already got a gift. Also, it doesn’t matter how much you earn, no one should tell you how to spend your money.

These are family members she gets on well
With, she doesn’t want to cause any issues. Especially not
Over money 🙄

It is so easy to spend other peoples money!

They should have checked with everyone if the contribution was reasonable or bought the gift and people give what they can. We all clubbed together for my DGPs which meant really that I and a cousin paid the majority and everyone else gave what they could afford without any pressure to give anything.

Tell them what you can afford. And that it is. It's so trashy for them to do this.

@Erwhatno

These are family members she gets on well With, she doesn’t want to cause any issues. Especially not Over money 🙄

So she's not going to take any of the advice given here then.

These are family members she gets on well
With, she doesn’t want to cause any issues. Especially not
Over money

She is not causing the issues. They are.
The sibling who has organised this has been very thoughtless at best.
If your wife gets on that well with them she should be able to explain.
If she says nothing and goes along with it then it will happen again.