Being told how much to give for present

[Erwhatno]

I know I’m not bu but grrr

A family member has been in touch with my wife about another family members birthday. Without asking, they have bought a very expensive object as a present, and expect wife and her three siblings to contribute it to equally. So they’ve basically divided it in five and said ‘you owe x. If you can’t pay it in one go just do half now and half later’.

We usually spend a certain amount on presents. This is a ‘big’ birthday so we would usually have spent more. However, the cost of this is three times what we would normally spend, and twice what our ‘bigger present’ budget is. There’s no way I want to spend this much, and the manner of being told in this way has irked me.

Technically we have the money, but it’s certainly not ‘spare’ ifyswim and it would be taken out of budget for something else. Wife isn’t happy either but does not want to say she can’t afford it as technically we can and doesn’t want to look cheap as no one else has objected.

I resent the situation. Aibu?

You don’t need to fall out with anyone at all, you just say “oh dear we didn’t discuss going in on a joint larger gift so unfortunately we’ve already bought something”
A friend did this to me once for baby items for another friend for a baby shower she was hosting. She hadn’t even yet invited me to the baby shower but had spent £200 on gifts including a pushchair from the other 3 girls in our friendship group without even asking if I wanted to! I wasn’t impressed and did say I have already bought something myself but then in the end I just transferred the money as it turned out she’d asked the friend what she wanted and just gone with that. She made me feel really tight about it which I was really sad about and I thought it was rude of the pregnant friend that she’d expected so much of us to be honest - don’t be pressured into it like I was.

My sisters tried to do this to me. They texted and said “we’ve bought X for mum’s birthday, you owe us this much”.
Never mind we had literally never done a joint present before, and this wasn’t discussed with me at all. And it was not a present I’d have chosen anyway.
I just told them no and got my own gift.

I feel like this might be a really irksome situation where you're clearly NBU but your wife isn't going to speak up.

So, on that basis - sorry you're going to have to suck it up! And your wife is being a bit U to not mention it, its not too hard a situation to gracefully back out of....but it's not worth an argument so... onwards and upwards.

No ,I certainly would not go along with this at all.. It is one of my pet hates when people do things like this., and I would not be afraid to tell people this. Buying gifts is a personal thing, and what you can afford to buy, no matter how special the birthday is.

I'd be completely honest and say it's out of your budget because if you pretend you've bought something else they'll say to return it, or this will become a regular occurrence and you'll always be feeling like you have to contribute.

Yeah, happened to us too - worse, though, because my DH has only 1 other sibling so the cost was expected to be split 50-50. It was an appliance his sibling thought their mum ‘needed’ - we lived in the same sort of flat as his mum and didn’t have one cos we couldn’t afford one! I’m afraid I told him to put his foot down and we contributed £50 (which was a lot to us then regardless of it not being 50%). It wasn’t even for a birthday!

No one should make unilateral decisions about other people’s money. Your wife needs to say “It’s not that we can’t afford to pay £X all at once, it’s that we can’t afford £X in total at all. You should have checked we were OK with it. We can give you £Y towards it.”

"Sorry, we've talked it over and it's out-of our budget. we'll buy a gift ourselves"

If they're all 6 figure earners they must surely be aware that not everyone is on that money

If your wife won't say anything then does it come out of joint money? My husband and I have a joint account and then accounts we can do whatever we like with the money in, so I'd make him pay for it out of that.

Yes it’s joint money

I think it comes down to her not wanting to seem cheap, and comparing herself to her siblings

The cf family member has no worries about you feeling rubbish and skint so why would you be arsed what they think?
What if the Xmas gift lift is bigger will you just do as you're told also?

Yes but siblings should understand they all have different circumstances.

It's not a case of your wife 'appearing cheap'.

You're (both of you, if it's joint money) are being told how much you are having to spend on something you haven't been told about or agreed to.

It wouldn't matter if your were millionaires, it's not on for someone else to tell you how to spend your money.

The fact of the matter is that you don't want to spend that amount of money - and you, OP, are spending your money too, it's not just your wife's money - and in reality you can't afford to without forgoing things.

That's nothing to do with being 'cheap' it's a matter of economics.

Your wife needs to tell the person spending your money that you can't afford it and, anyway, it wasn't agreed beforehand.

It's a bloody cheek for this person to expect you to just to hand over an arbitrary sum of money that they've decided you should spend.

I can't believe your wife is just going to let this person walk all over her like that.

She wouldn't accept it from a stranger why accept it because the person is family.

I get I get comparing yourself to siblings and feeling cheap but if you're on an average wage you can't keep up with the 6 figure earners and it's mad to.try

@Erwhatno

These are family members she gets on well With, she doesn’t want to cause any issues. Especially not Over money 🙄

If they get on well, they will understand if she says that the two of you can’t afford more than a certain amount, and won’t give her a hard time over it, @Erwhatno.

Could you conjure up an emergency expense, like the car needing new tyres, which would mean you can tell them you now have a lower gift budget?

She’s hardly being cheap. They’re spending a lot less of their income percentage wise than they’re expecting your wife to do. I would either tell them that it’s more than I can afford, so can contribute X amount or that, it’s well above my budget so I’ll buy a separate gift. I’d not be embarrassed about it either.