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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with dh

38 replies

Newjobnewstart · 23/07/2021 10:14

So i dont think i am being unreasonable but have to get some perspective.
Last night dh was having a few drinks with a friend. Up till about 1am. All good no issues with him catching up. My issue is that he was working this morning and has a 40 minute drive to get to work. He said he would be fine (5 pints of cider/2 beers)

I went down and told him that he wouldnt be able to drive today, he said he would be fine! I got a bit ratty here and told him i would hide his keys. I did shout a bit which im mortified and think his friend left not long after.

He is now away to work but i have no clue if he arrived ok and worried sick as well as pissed off! Am i being controlling?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 23/07/2021 10:17

Whether he was over the limit really depends upon his drinking pattern and what time he drove to work.

Karwomannghia · 23/07/2021 10:18

You were trying to be responsible and stop him from drink driving basically, but next time if you feel the need to intervene just take his keys. Being dressed down in front of his friend won’t go down well.

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2021 10:20

Yabu

He’s an adult and you’re treating him like a teenager

GoWalkabout · 23/07/2021 10:22

I think its reasonable to be concerned about the risk and stop him this morning, but it does rather sound as though you were pissed off about him drinking as you chose to intervene then in front of friend. Hope he's OK and that he was fully functioning and safe to drive OP.

Original poster
Newjobnewstart · 23/07/2021 10:23

I know i shouldnt have said anything in front of his friend and will apologise for that, i did take him to another room but am sure he heard.
Im just so against drink driving and its not worth the risk to others or himself.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 23/07/2021 10:24

I think you would be fine to raise it with him in private but shouting in front of his friend makes to sound like his mum.

Fromage · 23/07/2021 10:25

If he finished drinking at 1am (though it might have been earlier) he would be over the limit until at least early afternoon.

There's a formula where you count the total units of alcohol consumed, add an hour to the end-drinking time ( 1am becomes 2am) and then it takes an hour to "lose" one unit of alcohol. So 12units means he would be safe to drive at 2pm.

But it sounds like he had more than 12 units so he could have been caught and breathalysed and been over the limit, or caused an accident.

That said, that formula was told to me a long time ago and it might now be out of date. However, I don't think he would have passed a breathalyser on his way to work.

Very much YANBU.

isitsummertimeyet · 23/07/2021 10:26

You cant control someone elses actions, even if you believe its for the better good.

He knows if hes gonna be ruined the next day and will need to taxi into work or WFH, personally id be out of action till the afternoon likely if id been on ciders, but if on Jack Daniels, im fresh as a daisy the next day,.

Going down and arguging infront of his friend is a bit cringeworthy.

Bufferingkisses · 23/07/2021 10:26

Yes you were being controlling. By all means report a crime in action or chat to him when his friend has left but shouting at an adult in front of his friend is pretty shocking behaviour.

If you are concerned about residual alcohol buy a pack of test kits and explain you are concerned and wondered if he might do a couple just to get an idea how long alcohol is lasting in his system - that way he has the knowledge he needs to make better choices for himself

Original poster
Newjobnewstart · 23/07/2021 10:27

Honestly the drinking doesnt bother me he doesnt do it often its the staying up late then getting up early to drive.
The limit is practically zero so if he does get stopped thats his licence and job gone. Hes not answered or seen my text this morning so i dont know if he has arrived safe or not.

OP posts:
tothelakes · 23/07/2021 10:28

There's a few apps you can use to calculate when you might be safe to drive.
I just put 5 pints of lager and 2 pints of cider in and it suggests 20 hours from last drink. Obviously it's not an exact thing and varies on strength of alcohol and person to person. I'm always surprised by the results and it's made me much more careful. If I'm having a drinking session, I make no plans to drive the next day.

I couldn't drink that much on a school night anyway!

mynameisbrian · 23/07/2021 10:31

I would have been mortified of my OH appeared when I was drinking with a friend and berated me like a DC. I would have lost the plot, if you had an issue why did you have to make a big show of him when his friend was still their? You could have waited until he came to bed.

Original poster
Newjobnewstart · 23/07/2021 10:32

Thanks everyone. I totally accept i was wrong to say anything in front of his friend i had just been woken and was grumpy. No excuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newjobnewstart · 23/07/2021 10:35

My issue was tho i wanted him to stop as he had to drive this morning so leaving it he could have still been going at 3. I did take him aside so wasnt directly infront of his friend. Also already admitted im wrong for that. And will apologise if he hasnt been arrested or worse.

OP posts:
ChainJane · 23/07/2021 10:39

Get an AlcoSense breathalyser, it shocked me to find out I was still over the limit first thing in the morning. If he's a reasonable person he will agree to use it after he's been drinking and will abide by its reading.

DianeCherry · 23/07/2021 10:52

I don't think you are being U at all. As someone who's been in a nasty car accident caused by a drink driver I find it abhorrent that so many people ignore the fact that they are over the limit to drive the next morning. If they get breathalysed and lose their jobs they only have themselves to blame. But the fact is, being over the limit makes them more likely to have an accident on the way to work and seriously injure someone, or worse. There's just no excuse.

But some people don't like being told this. It sounds like a criticism. They get defensive. It's time these people took some responsibility for the risks they are taking.

Then there the people who drink 7 cans of lager and insist that it makes them a BETTER driver because they have to concentrate more.... I divorced one of those for that.

Hide his keys or report him to the police if he drives away from the house. It's your civil duty.

ChunkySloth · 23/07/2021 10:54

I think you were very unreasonable. You should have waited until his friend left.

Also, it depends what time he started drinking. He could have started at 6/7 and not drunk much after 11. It also depends on what he was drinking. Some beers are only 2/3%.

I wouldn't be happy with you if you were my partner.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 23/07/2021 11:01

I had a bottle of wine last night, and according to the online calculator I'd be ok to drive 11 hours after last drink.

I never drive until afternoon at least if I've had a night out.

I would've hid his keys.

SpindleWhorl · 23/07/2021 11:13

@Newjobnewstart

Thanks everyone. I totally accept i was wrong to say anything in front of his friend i had just been woken and was grumpy. No excuse.
I don't think you were 'wrong' as such. He woke you up at 1am, you were understandably annoyed and worried, tried to talk to him away from his friend, and then got more annoyed when you felt your concerns about his driving while over the limit weren't being heard.

I do think you need to talk this through though, not only as a communication issue but also in the sense that he's probably committing a crime and risks hurting someone, losing his licence and job, and wrecking your respect for him.

Would he have preferred you to surreptitiously hide his keys? Why couldn't he get a cab in? Does he often wake you at night?

I couldn't respect a flippant drink driver who got the huff with me.

Original poster
Newjobnewstart · 23/07/2021 11:19

I have spoke to him and apologised. Hes at work and luckily all is fine. He may have been under the limit he may not have been i will never know.
He has also apologised for waking me up and the time.

Thanks everyone been a mixed bag and i do accept i was wrong.

OP posts:
Mayorquimby2 · 23/07/2021 11:24

"There's a formula where you count the total units of alcohol consumed, add an hour to the end-drinking time ( 1am becomes 2am) and then it takes an hour to "lose" one unit of alcohol. So 12units means he would be safe to drive at 2pm"

Surely that formula would rely on you taking in all your units together at 1am.

Your body is going to start processing the alcohol when you start drinking wouldn't it? If you start drinking at 8 your body won't hold off on processing the booze until you've stopped drinking, or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

I can appreciate using it in a "better safe than sorry" approach or is it actually in anyway accurate.

CaptSkippy · 23/07/2021 11:26

@Shoxfordian

Yabu

He’s an adult and you’re treating him like a teenager

If he acts like one, he deserves to be treated like one.
honeylulu · 23/07/2021 11:32

Don't forget he would also be metabolising alcohol during the session, its not as if all 12 units back up until 1am and only start to be metabolised then.

So say he started the session at 7pm, by 1am he will have probably metabolised 5-6 units of the 12 (6-7 remaining). Another 6-7 hours to metabolise the remainder takes him to 7 or 8am when he ought to have been clear. You posted at 10.14am inferring that he had left recently so hopefully there were some extra hours in there.

It is not purely arithmetic though and will depend on when he started, the rate at which he drank at which points (most people will tend to drink quicker at the start of a session and then slow down), his BMI, whether he had had food. So I agreed it is always best to to assume if you have had several drinks. But it sounds like he was probably fine.

You shouldn't have shouted, but I understand your concerns.

Drivingmeupthewall · 23/07/2021 11:35

What would you have preferred he did to get to work? Presumably he drives for work as you said his job would be lost if he lost his licence.

HocusPocuss · 23/07/2021 11:53

Dh’s friend was caught out the next morning. According to him, he hadn’t even been that drunk but he was stopped during a random stop and he blew over the limit, even though it had been 14 hours since his last drink. I don’t think people realise how long it stays in your system. He was banned from driving for a year and lost his job.