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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forced into having a baby shower

65 replies

Littlejayx · 23/07/2021 07:44

I know this is going to sound like a small problem but due to social anxiety and the covid rates in my city being very high I need advice 😩

On Sunday my partners sister has just let me know he has planned a baby shower with his family for me. Now this is the opposite of anything I’ve ever wanted and have let him know with my first two babies that I don’t like the attention, my social anxiety gets the better of me and the thought of all eyes being on me for the day makes me very uncomfortable 😩

Now this Sunday coincides with my best friends wedding which I chose not to attend due to being in another country and being 39 weeks pregnant, so none of my friends or family will be at said baby shower (adding to the social anxiety) it will just be his family in a fancy function room

What do I do?! Suck it up and go? As he is no longer speaking to me because I’m being ‘un-greatful’ and ‘bratty’

Send help!! AIBU?

OP posts:
Twizbe · 23/07/2021 08:34

I'd refused to go. You've said you don't want one, it's not the people you want to see and your concerned about cases. Stand your ground and not go.

Fwiw I don't like baby showers either and made it known that I didn't want one either.

They obviously are using this as an excuse to get together.

Saidtoomuch · 23/07/2021 08:35

But you are 39 weeks pregnant in a global pandemic
^
I couldn't imagine having a covid fever and migraine, however mild, whilst giving birth, apart from knowingly taking Covid into a maternity ward.
I attended a wedding the day before my due date and was dancing all night (one of those pre baby bursts of energy things!), but everyone was quite accepting of the fact that could equally have needed to stay home alone in front of a large fan.

Babdoc · 23/07/2021 08:37

OP, you have the perfect excuse - tell them you have been ordered to self isolate.
They can’t argue with it, they can’t disprove it, and there’s nothing they can do about it!
It saves you having to argue with them or discuss your social anxiety with them.
Alternatively, if you feel strong enough, just tell them to fuck off…. Grin

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 23/07/2021 08:39

I wouldn't go.

use literally any lie you feel ok with to get out of it.
you are 39 w pregnant. she really shouldn't have organised it without your consent

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2021 08:39

Your partner is being beyond selfish in so many ways.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 23/07/2021 08:48

He’s the other parent, in the interests of equality he can go instead of you.

Effitall · 23/07/2021 08:51

Send him and your other kids and you have a relaxing day at home.

Everydayimhuffling · 23/07/2021 08:53

What he's done is thrown himself a baby shower and then expected you to be grateful to share his present to himself. I would point that out to him and ask him if he wants you there for HIS celebration. I would tell him I expect it to be centered on him, with no expectation on you. He can open presents, do games etc. You are there like you would be at his birthday party.

Pingued · 23/07/2021 09:00

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

He’s the other parent, in the interests of equality he can go instead of you.
Good point. They can throw him a baby shower.
PercyPiginaWig · 23/07/2021 09:01

Just don't go. As @OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow says send him and the children.
You not only didn't ask for it, you didn't want it.
Tell your one friend who was going to come round to you instead of you're comfortable seeing them and have a quiet lunch, if not tell them you're not going so they don't have to sit through DH's family get together.

My guess is you rightly so don't want him drinking at this stage but with all his family there he'd make you out to be a 'nag' if you say anything and he's using it as an excuse to have one last hurrah - at your expense.
Who's the bratty one again?

ShitPoetryClub · 23/07/2021 09:11

I completely agree with you OP. The party is for him not you and baby showers are the worst of parties.
I don't see how you can use the fact that you've already said no to your BFs wedding as an excuse though? No travel company would allow you to travel to that at 39 weeks! so it wasn't really your choice not to go, you were prevented from travelling. Unless, if by another country you mean Wales.

Youdiditanyway · 23/07/2021 09:21

Tell them you don’t want one? My FIL’s partner tried arranging one when I was pregnant with DC1 and I said no thank you. She wanted me to dress up like a fucking baby, it was so weird! I told her no and she had a hissy fit but I didn’t care, there’s no way I’d ever want a baby shower. Just use your assertive skills to say no.

Dontbeme · 23/07/2021 09:21

Stay home OP, nothing about this party is for you, none of your family have been invited, none of your friends will be at it, the friend getting married that you could not attend her wedding might be upset about you lying to her (about a shower you didn't want and didn't know about at the time). It is a piss-up for your DP family under the guise of being "nice" to you. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/07/2021 09:22

Sounds like another of those bossy, organising types who like to think they know better than you do what you want, or would enjoy. Or (in their eyes) ‘ought’ to enjoy.

Saidtoomuch · 23/07/2021 09:25

Noooo @Youdiditanyway, that's absolutely bonkers / inappropriate / humiliating!

romdowa · 23/07/2021 09:26

I'd tell dp to enjoy his baby shower and to let you know how it went 😏 maybe bring you back some cake.

SarahBellam · 23/07/2021 09:35

That’s absolutely nuts. Who the hell wants a baby shower anyway? Much less one when you’re 39 weeks pregnant and none of your own friends or family are there. It is hideously selfish and entitled to arrange something you don’t want - they are clearly saying ‘Our wishes are more important than yours’. I agree with everyone else - and you should be self isolating as much as possible anyway if you’re due to go into hospital imminently- not going to a completely unnecessary party with 20 other people.

Queynte13 · 23/07/2021 09:36

I was forced into a baby shower. I hated it. The worst was she tried to make me pay to hire a venue for an event I didn't want, so held it at my house instead. 38 weeks pregnant with SPD and I had to spend the morning before cleaning the entire house. I was in so much pain during it.

Stick to your guns. I wish I had.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 23/07/2021 09:39

@Littlejayx

I’m so glad everyone is saying the same as me 😩😩😩.

There would be one of my friends and the rest his family so about 20 people, I’m not exaggerating when I say ALL of my friends are at the wedding and my family are too far and late notice to come.

I’ve got in touch with his family member who organised it and she’s adamant it’s just a Meal but I know it isn’t 😩.

I really do hate baby showers and was asked in front of my partner by my neighbour if I was having one and my response was ‘no they are grabby and forced’

Well if it's just a meal surely they won't mind when you're too tired or have a headache and can't come.
Whaddayahear · 23/07/2021 09:39

I HATE when people force baby showers on people that don't want them.

Spend the day in bed. Tell him you're exhausted and not feeling well.

godmum56 · 23/07/2021 09:50

it eitheer sounds like your partner doesn't know you very well or doesn't care?

Katefoster · 23/07/2021 09:58

This really winds me up. I'm pregnant with my first and have let everyone know I don't want a baby shower. If anyone planned me one I would be fuming. I wouldn't go OP!

TheTallOakTrees · 23/07/2021 10:04

@Queynte13

I was forced into a baby shower. I hated it. The worst was she tried to make me pay to hire a venue for an event I didn't want, so held it at my house instead. 38 weeks pregnant with SPD and I had to spend the morning before cleaning the entire house. I was in so much pain during it.

Stick to your guns. I wish I had.

Oh my, that sounds awful. Baby showers appear really tacky and grabby with the hive me gifts and an excuse for others to party and drink.

It sad that pregnant women that don't want them are cohersed into them

JustYourAverageSue · 23/07/2021 10:07

It's madness really. What happens if your DP tests positive for Covid and then isn't allowed to be present when you give birth,(assuming you're having the baby on a hospital). How would he feel then?

HotMummaSummer · 23/07/2021 10:07

I agree with others, make an excuse - you've been pinged or think you may be in labour!

My baby shower last year was lovely, with homemade cakes, games and zoom calls from those who couldn't be there. But as many who attended hadn't socialised in a while they did end up drinking quite a bit Hmm It went on until midnight!

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