to think that there is more to life than what you need?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

My mother.

Dont get me wrong I love her very much and I think its up to her how she lives her life but she seems to think that everyone else should live the same way.

The phrase "But you/we dont need..." x y or z. Christmas is a prime example. My BIL, DF and DS all love Xmas pudding but my mother will say "Well we dont need pudding do we?" so no one gets any. Well they didnt until the year my sister bought one and said "No we dont need it but some of us want it so I'll pop this in the microwave" She didnt put ma out, it didnt cost her anything yet she clearly disapproved. My sister and BIL went away for 5 days with Ma and Pa and they had lamb chops for dinner. My sister bought them. She got them three each on the basis that there is barely a mouthful on a lamb chop. Ma was horrified "But you dont need more than one" and that was when we found out that my (not overweight, not a greedy guts, not on a diet) father was only allowed one for a meal. Sis served him three anyway and said that if ma only wanted one she would give the others to BIL and Pa. She ate them.....funny that!

Latest one is that I took DD for an ice cream at a local pub grub place. As it was they didnt have any ice cream so we bought ingredients for a sundae and made our own. "But just an ice cream would have done, you dont need a sundae with fruit and cream" I snapped at her and said "No we dont need it but frankly after the year we have had I am happy to give the kids things that they want occasionally. And if I want a pudding I will have one. If I want a second glass of wine, I will have one."

It made for a very joyless childhood with treats so few and far between that when we did get a treat we went mad as we knew it would be months before the next one.

AIBU to think its ok to indulge ones desires occasionally because honestly I do sometimes wonder if I am a gluttonous spendthrift hedonist by the way she reacts!

FYI she isnt ill or dieting. I am not overweight (verging on underweight if anything due to illness) but she was extremely stingy when we were growing up (not poor by any means just hated spending money on things she didnt deem important so her hair was done every 6 weeks but my sister and I werent allowed the odd comic or ice cream...)

She sounds joyless unfortunately, not sure there's a way to change that

She sounds exhausting

My own mother is a bit like this. Anything even remotely luxurious is completely unnecessary.

To the point where she will ask why I dont soak my own chickpeas over night and make my own hummus - errr....its 40p in Aldi that's why.

Anything that exists at the minute to make busy lives easier is abhorrent (though she does pick and choose certain 'anomolies').

She is also very scornful of people who find joy in the mundane stuff she doesnt like. So someone may enjoy getting their carpets cleaned - but that's such a boring thing to enjoy! Apparently.

Sounds like she suffered as a child, most in her generation where poor, some people don’t care about making sure their kids have a better childhood than they did.

Although god knows why.

Yes my mum thinks l have far too much stuff which is rubbish. And was always very tight with food which is why l think l have always struggled with my weight.

Christmas is a prime example. My BIL, DF and DS all love Xmas pudding but my mother will say "Well we dont need pudding do we?" so no one gets any

I know you said this was until someone spoke up but why did you all pander to this before?

My mother is a bit like this. No, mum, I don't NEED frivolous shoes or another red lipstick, but I WANT them. I work hard for my money, my bills are paid, I save a bit... its not sinful to buy myself something unnecessary. Mum tried to persuade me to buy "sensible " wedding shoes so I could have them dyed and wear them again. She thinks I'm profligate because I get my hair cut and coloured every six weeks. She "can't understand " why i get my nails done, when I could just buy an emery board and a bottle of clear polish.

I know why she's like it though. My grandma was like it as well. Its really quite sad.

@Howcanthisbe123

Sounds like she suffered as a child, most in her generation where poor, some people don’t care about making sure their kids have a better childhood than they did.

Although god knows why.

Thing is, she didnt. She was the much youngest sibling of the family and by her own admission wanted for nothing. She wasnt born until 1950 and by the mid 50's my grandparents were doing very well to the point that her first foreign holiday was when she was about 9 and they flew to Italy. Oddly enough, she is happy to spend money on holidays!

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

Yes my mum thinks l have far too much stuff which is rubbish. And was always very tight with food which is why l think l have always struggled with my weight.

OMG yes. I have an eating disorder in that I dont eat enough and my sister struggles to not over eat. Both I think are related to our childhood eating habits....never quite enough of the stuff we did like and a lot of cheap meals we didnt like but were forced to finish even if we were gagging.

My mum's a bit like this - it's like she's got to say something negative about almost everything, but like in your example of the lamb chops, she will eat and enjoy them. I can guarantee that any 'news' I tell her will immediately be greeted with a negative comment of some kind, even really good news.

How completely joyless. I much prefer to have what I want instead of what I need. Makes for a happier life.

And my GP's werent tight with food or money and died with a nice nest egg tucked away so it wasnt even as if they were profligate and pissed money up the wall. I could understand it if she had grown up in a "Feast or Famine" home, but she really didnt. Security was very important to my grandfather and he was lucky enough to be able to spend and save, as was Ma but for some reason she only wanted to save.

When I was a child (many moons ago). If I asked for anything. My Dad's response was always "I didn't have a pair of shoes until I was 12" He lived in the north and apparently the children wore clogs

My mum is very similar but also spends herself.
She will spend hundreds on random stuff from qvc that no one wants or needs and then says I am wasting money when I buy a new £1 cat toy from Poundland.

Just thought of another one....

I popped round the other day in a dress I really love, and feel good in.

"Another new dress?!" Now bear in mind that I am a single parent on an embarrassingly low income (I work but Covid left me jobless so I took all I could get....a 12 hour till job at a supermarket....yes I am looking!) so I dont go out clothes shopping as a hobby!

I said "No, its better than new! Its 15 years old and only started to fit me again last summer!" (Went from a 10 to a 20 and now an 8 over that 15 years). So I get a sniff and a "I thought you had sent all the stuff that didnt fit you to the charity shop" "Well its a good job I didnt or I would have nothing to wear now without buying new would I?!" I was laughing when I said it but it pees me off now I think about it. This is the woman with more clothes "saved for best" than she will wear day to day. I think she disapproves of me wearing something naice as I could "save it for best". I have some lovely things from when I had a better income, why the hell not wear them?! I wore a Vivienne Westwood hand-me-across that my friend gave me to Aldi at Xmas, she nearly had a stroke :o

Honestly

Another......

Spent 2.5k on a new front door, nothing was wrong with the old one.
Spent the national debt of the UK on a new kitchen.
Went into ORBIT when my father spent £800 on a laptop as his old was falling apart (tape was keeping the battery pack in) because she hated the internet, didnt see the point of it and why did he bother. Changed her tuned since lockdown meant that they only way she could be involved with church was via Zoom.....she has actually been talking about how slow it is getting and I suspect will not have an issue with a new PC.....unless she can actually attend church in which case she will probably U turn again as she doesnt need it.

Your mother clearly doesn’t like, enjoy or approve of spending money on things she doesn’t consider ‘necessities’. She is who she is, and she won’t change, so you can only control how you react to it.

You are doing the right thing by refusing to pander to her, and every time she starts saying ‘you don’t need’, immediately shut her down as sharply as necessary and change the subject. Being very blunt with people we love isn’t easy, but sometimes it has to be done. I had to do something similar once with my mother’s comments on my weight. By the time I had finished with her she was very upset, but she never mentioned my weight again.

@LagunaBubbles

Christmas is a prime example. My BIL, DF and DS all love Xmas pudding but my mother will say "Well we dont need pudding do we?" so no one gets any

I know you said this was until someone spoke up but why did you all pander to this before?

It wasnt a case of pandering to it, so much as it wasnt a big deal so no one mentioned it. Then BIL said something to my sister around the same time that my DS said something to me. It was just before (I think) the 3rd Xmas, and sister told me what she had planned. So when Ma started saying "Oh but....." we kind of tag teamed it to shut her down in a "Dont worry! We'll make pudding and wash up, you sit down and relax!" so she couldnt kick off as we were being passive aggressive nice :o

This resonates with me. Not the food aspect (if anything DM has always been a feeder and a pusher of sugary treats) but just everything thing else, particularly material items.

There were precious few shopping trips when I was young for clothes and shoes. Admittedly they cost more proportionally than they do now and we weren't rolling in ££££, but looking nice/fashionable just wasn't on her radar so in her opinion it didn't need to be on mine.

As a consequence I would admit to having some retail therapy issues now. Whether it be bargains, offers, the thrill of acquisition etc. DM then has the opportunity to take me to task for my profligate ways.

I have long since kept any splurges on the down low to prevent her sucking any joy from my lifestyle choices. There's just a negativity permeating so many discussions.

My concern is that I already recognise that I treat my kids in some of the same ways that she treated me (regarding other aspects of life) and although I know I'm doing it I literally can't help myself.

I needed to read this today. My mum is just like this. She’s very against unnecessary spending and thinks we have too much stuff-we don’t. She questions everything! She is also very negative and thinks nothing of telling me she doesn’t like my choice of things- whether that is clothes, hair, home decorating etc. It really ruins what could be a good relationship.

my mother will say "Well we dont need pudding do we?"

I think my mother could have that engraved on her tombstone.

My mum uses the collective "we don't need" when in reality it is she who doesn't like/want. She's also stuck in her ways so doesn't like hot meals at lunchtime (except Sundays when it's compulsory) so resists pubs etc for lunch

My mum has a slightly different habit but equally joyless. She always thinks the worst of something. For example we were in a cafe when there was a power cut. The waitress politely went round every table to say what had happened and they’d get everything back up and running ASAP. My Mum suggests to me that they just pretend that there is a power cut so folk pay cash. Then when we were paying (power was back on so paid by card), she noticed the tip jar and told the waitress that she should move it in case someone nicked it (never bothered leaving a tip though she always insists on paying). Everywhere we go she always thinks someone is going to con us, steal our handbag, pinch our coats …… it’s so darn negative it drives me mad. I tell her that I’d hate to go through life thinking that all the time but she just seems all the prouder of the way she is

@gogohm

My mum uses the collective "we don't need" when in reality it is she who doesn't like/want. She's also stuck in her ways so doesn't like hot meals at lunchtime (except Sundays when it's compulsory) so resists pubs etc for lunch

DSis, is that you?!

Do you think it is maybe a touch of snobbiness? My mum is exactly like this, and I thinks she finds buying new things, and overeating ‘vulgar’. You know like the thread on here about how the upper class often wear clothes for years with holes in etc.