Enough is enough or am I being petty

[toohotoday]

Background: OH and I have been together 4 years. He has 2 adult ds 30 and 34. They have never accepted our relationship. After split with their mum they decided he should be on his own if not with her. There is no OW scenario here, I came on the scene well after.

The 2 DS dictate elements of our lives. We can't frequent certain pubs and restaurants, can't post things together on social media, they will not see their dad if I am present, they will not visit our home and they have said if he tries to 'push the issue' they will have nothing to do with him. To me this feels like blackmail.

They both live at home with their mother, pay no rent and have what shall we say, not a great attitude towards women in general.

They contact their dad only if they want something, usually money or a problem solved (think collect something for them, give them a lift somewhere). If he does see them he has to organise and pay for whatever they do and this is few and far between. They don't even bother to see him on his birthday or fathers day and never even a card. They live a 5 minute walk away.

He accepts this as he wants to maintain a relationship with them (which I do understand). But I'm starting to lose respect for him as he gives in to what I can only call entitled behaviour and blackmail in staying part of their life. They have bad mouthed me, they don't even know me, have met me a handful of times, for a few minutes when paths accidently crossed.

I would understand if they were stroppy teens, straight out of their parents divorce, but I can't get my head around 2 grown men dictating like this and refusing to see him ever if he continues to acknowledge me in his life.

OH is doing nothing about it. Just accepting it all - for an easy life. He has also paid for their sport which they do since they were 17, which is about £100 a month and when he recently told them they need to start paying it themselves they were not impressed.

I'm actually very hurt over it all and I do get angry they can treat someone like this when I have done absolutely nothing to affect their life in any way. And I get angry at OH for not dealing with it.

As they dictate areas of our life, affecting what we can and cannot do and OH refusing to do anything about it.

AIBU to say enough is enough. They want nothing to do with me, after all this time, Thats fine.
I therefore want nothing to do with them and when OH is at my house I do not want him taking begging phone calls or texts when he is spending time with me. They won't see him or visit him at his if I'm there, So same goes when asking for money and favours in my house.

If they want money or problems sorting then OH can deal with it when he is not with me in my house, as for every other aspect they dictate I not be there.

I feel petty but I'm honestly so fed up of their crap and if OH is not going to call them out on it, this is my way of saying they can't have their cake and eat it.

If they were children or even teenagers I could understand it but these are grown men. I don’t think there is much you can do though. Their Dad isn’t going to risk losing them which I can understand.

So you want to stick around with this circus freak show? I think you need therapy to discover why you are allowing yourself to be disrespected and marginalized. It's not normal to tolerate this if you have a healthy self esteem. I'd have gone on one date and not even pondered date number two!

I can understand why you are fed-up OP. But I can’t see the situation changing tbh, his DS’ will always come first by the sounds of it. Only you can decide if you can live/cope with that. Good luck

What an example to have around your children OP.

Your standards are really very low.

It's your life. They have no right to control where you go.

Personally think this is a terrible set up. 30+ year old babies telling you where and where not you can/cannot go etc? Are they joking? You should have told them all what's what a long time ago in very plain English.

You deserve more than this. You are not being petty or unreasonable at all.

The children men are products of poor parenting, they sound absolutely ghastly, like spoilt brat teens, and your DP is partly responsible for how they've turned out.

The one son being enabled to date a young teen when he was an adult is really gross and demonstrates how stunted he must be in his emotional development. Much like his father I'd say.

You know what you need to do. I just hope you have the strength to get rid of him and the bonus will be that those foul sons will also be out of your life.

What seems a bit weird is that he hasn't moved on either, even though he looks to have had some potential catalysts in 4 years plus.

If you do want to make a go of things, how would you feel about moving as a couple well over the 5 minutes away/ out of the circle of effortless reliance?

I voted YABU because you are letting the situation continue. You need to have a serious talk with your partner, explain that the situation can’t continue and discuss what happens next. You need to mirror to your own children what a healthy relationship looks like otherwise they will think that this behaviour is okay.
Just as a side question how old were his DS when he separated from their mum, sometimes people can become ‘stuck’ in behaviours when they experience an upsetting period of time. If they were in their teenage years, this might explain their behaviour, although it doesn’t condone it

The sons sound extremely immature for their ages. It's about time they grew up and faced the fact that life goes on. It is totally unreasonable of them to expect their father to spend the rest of his life alone (unless he chose to).

I wish somebody would point all this out to them, stupid pair. Surely at their ages one or both would have had relationships and gained a little understanding. However they still live with mother, which says it all.

If this situation is seriously impacting on your relationship with your fiance, maybe it is time to reconsider. The problem is not going to go away in a hurry.

Thank goodness you don't live together which would complicate matters.

I feel sorry for your man but he has to grow a back bone.

"He honestly thinks they are great guys."
Right. That statement tells me that not only will he never stand up to them, but also that he is living in a different world from the rest of us.

This situation os not going to change, because your DP is never going to 'rock the boat'. So the question is - do you want to live like this?

I absolutely agree with everything Megasausagehead said, and I'm repeating it here for you to read again:

Maybe it's time to t0ake a break.

He prioritizes them, you are his adult escape time, where he gets to play at being a grown up. If you also begin going along with the silly demands, there are no grown ups left. It is time to adult.

What would a reasonable person do?

Ask yourself this question every time when dealing with childish demands. They wouldn't do tit for tat. They wouldn't throw a tantrum.

A reasonable person would explain, that as an adult, they expect a reasonable degree of autonomy and self determination. They do not believe that adult children, without strong foundation, are entitled to dictate the lives of their parents.

In the absence of specific, diagnosed special needs, a man who enables this situation to continue, is not a man who you wish to commit to.

Take a 4 week break. No texts, no visits nothing. In this time he is to look at where he sees himself in 5, 10, 20 years. You do the same.

Then get back in touch and discuss as adults.

Get your adult on.

Really, as said above, the two of you need to have a long hard think about what each of you want in your future. Personally, I would have walked by now. Not because of the shenanigans of the two menchildren (oh, there's one HUGE backstory there!) but because of how your partner handles this. Every time I'd lose just a little bit more respect for him. By now I'd have zero respect for him, and I don't believe it is possible to love someone you cannot respect (pity, perhaps, but not love).

Yanbu op! What a terrible situation to be in. Your DP needs to be firmer. Why on earth would two grown men behave like this? Banning a pub?! What would actually happen if you actually went there and they saw you?

YANfuckingBU OP and why are they still living with Mummy in their 30s? There's something wrong with them. I have a severe mental health disability but would've felt ashamed to live like a child.

And of course all the stuff they're doing towards you is not normal.

I don't have the answers but IMHO this relationship is not going anywhere, which shows with how you felt you couldn't go ahead with the engagement.

Imagine having to put up with this stuff your whole life.

Instead you cold find a nice guy with normal family and not have to put up with this nastiness from maladjusted, immature weirdos.

OP I'm really curious so please forgive the question but how old are you? Are you a lot younger than your DP?

Either way, I wouldn't be able to live like this, being told where I can and can't go for a meal or a drink! It's ridiculous.

OP you haven't given any insight into why the DS's are like they are - why do you think?
I ask because I have had two long relationships in which I inherited stepsons. The first was disastrous largely because of the way my ex handled the break up with his ex, which was frankly awful. Our relationship ran its course because of his uselessness with relationships basically, and I'm far friendlier with his son now. My now husband handled the breakup with his ex completely differently, we are all on good speaking terms (although don't live close) and the stepson from that marriage has never had any problem with me. His mum used to send me little gifts for looking after him so well and making sure he was happy, and I have a lot of time for her.

So is there something about that breakup that has contributed and which says a lot about your partner?

This is so childish and unkind of them. Essentially emotionally stunted behaviour.

I hope you feel able to let your partner go as nothing will change.

I thought, ok they are having a hard time adjusting, lets give them some time and when this relationship progresses they'll realise.

They are having a hard time adjusting? After 4 years? At the ages of 30 and 34?

Honestly, how can people like these even hold down a job or a relationship (with someone their age, not 10 years younger, vulnerable and probably still at school like the 'man' in question).

Do they have jobs OP? Do they do anything that requires adaptation, adjusting? These are not primary school kids whose parents have just separated and they do indeed need to adjust. Even if they don't like you, the least you should expect from a grown up 30 year old would be showing respect and behaving decently when around you and his dad. There's not liking someone, or their actions or words, and there's being disrespectful. That applies to your DP as well.

Life is too short to put up with stuff like this. It all sounds extremely complicated and draining.

This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with their dad. There’s a reason they have such a very poor relationship with him.

Either way it doesn’t sound like a good relationship for you - you can’t always be pushed to the bottom of the pile.

OP you've tried to put up with this but you've had enough. That's fine. But it seems you now want to turn it into a competition, it's you or them. Bluntly he'll choose them. And you don't want to walk away because you'll see that as the sons winning and because you understandably don't like them you don't want them to win.

Put your pride to one side and leave. Let your 'D'P lie in the bed he's made for himself, while you live a life free of restrictions and contempt.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this OP.
I'm afraid I can't see how it is going to get better.

Just as a side question how old were his DS when he separated from their mum, sometimes people can become ‘stuck’ in behaviours when they experience an upsetting period of time.

I believe they were 17 and 21 the first time, they then worked things out about 6 years later and then it didn't work out and they split again when sons both in their mid/later 20's. Also DP had a 4 year relationship in that inbetween time. The DS's didn't want anything to do with her either.

Take a leaf from their book; write OH a list of YOUR rules ( all about his adult sons, mad as you like ) that he must comply with. Or he won't see you any more.

If he refuses, you say " Now you know how to say no , start saying no to those bullies. "

His sons are manipulative bullies. They learned it from their Dad, who is bullying and manipulating you.

YANBU to feel how you feel.

But if you stay in this relationship you will always be caught between him and his sons. This dynamic is not about to change any time soon, if ever.

So it sounds to me like a case of live with this, or think about leaving.

Don't try to change it - you won't succeed.