Enough is enough or am I being petty

[toohotoday]

Background: OH and I have been together 4 years. He has 2 adult ds 30 and 34. They have never accepted our relationship. After split with their mum they decided he should be on his own if not with her. There is no OW scenario here, I came on the scene well after.

The 2 DS dictate elements of our lives. We can't frequent certain pubs and restaurants, can't post things together on social media, they will not see their dad if I am present, they will not visit our home and they have said if he tries to 'push the issue' they will have nothing to do with him. To me this feels like blackmail.

They both live at home with their mother, pay no rent and have what shall we say, not a great attitude towards women in general.

They contact their dad only if they want something, usually money or a problem solved (think collect something for them, give them a lift somewhere). If he does see them he has to organise and pay for whatever they do and this is few and far between. They don't even bother to see him on his birthday or fathers day and never even a card. They live a 5 minute walk away.

He accepts this as he wants to maintain a relationship with them (which I do understand). But I'm starting to lose respect for him as he gives in to what I can only call entitled behaviour and blackmail in staying part of their life. They have bad mouthed me, they don't even know me, have met me a handful of times, for a few minutes when paths accidently crossed.

I would understand if they were stroppy teens, straight out of their parents divorce, but I can't get my head around 2 grown men dictating like this and refusing to see him ever if he continues to acknowledge me in his life.

OH is doing nothing about it. Just accepting it all - for an easy life. He has also paid for their sport which they do since they were 17, which is about £100 a month and when he recently told them they need to start paying it themselves they were not impressed.

I'm actually very hurt over it all and I do get angry they can treat someone like this when I have done absolutely nothing to affect their life in any way. And I get angry at OH for not dealing with it.

As they dictate areas of our life, affecting what we can and cannot do and OH refusing to do anything about it.

AIBU to say enough is enough. They want nothing to do with me, after all this time, Thats fine.
I therefore want nothing to do with them and when OH is at my house I do not want him taking begging phone calls or texts when he is spending time with me. They won't see him or visit him at his if I'm there, So same goes when asking for money and favours in my house.

If they want money or problems sorting then OH can deal with it when he is not with me in my house, as for every other aspect they dictate I not be there.

I feel petty but I'm honestly so fed up of their crap and if OH is not going to call them out on it, this is my way of saying they can't have their cake and eat it.

Or just get rid? If he thinks these horrible guys are great guys, it stands to reason he’s probably not a great guy.

@Queynte13

I honestly can't believe you're willing to stay in the relationship. It sounds utterly shite.

Yup!

Perhaps I will just start acting like a petulant child too and say he is forbidden to utter their names, talk about them, answer their calls when he is with me or in my house.

This is what you want your relationship to devolve to? This is the example you want to set for your children? I mean this gently, but you have got to figure out why your standards are so shockingly low. I honestly don't know anyone who would tolerate this treatment from a partner.

If you don’t stay engaged and you don’t get married they are winning.
You should do what YOU want, not what they want.

I’m just wondering what you actually get out of this relationship?

You don’t seem to have any respect for him, you’ve called off an engagement, there is no realistic prospect of any kind of blended family because his children can’t stand you, you don’t want your children to turn out like his and you can’t stand them - where is this going, and what do you even see in him?

I.e. what is the POINT?

As a dissenting voice to PPs, it's OK for you to control him, just not his DS because you get to decide what he should do. Now you've decided the terms on which he interacts with his DS, will it be their fault if they no longer have contact with him? Will that make him happier, OP, or just you?

I'd be going to the pub they don't want you to go to every night this week.

Why can't you go to certain pubs etc?

Because they might go to them or their mother might.

which again, don't undertsand the issue. My ex partner had been married before and me and his exW had no issues with each other at all. because, why would we? Also DC involved (his) so it made sense everyone just got on, like normal adults. I don't understand this whole thinking.

Is this relationship actually making you happy, OP? If not, get yourself away and into the light. Life is too short to waste it being dictated to by a family of awful people you don’t even know. Your DP has no spine and clearly doesn’t care much for you if he’s prepared to allow you to be treated this way. If he’s not willing to stand up for you, then what sort of partnership is it?

Maybe it's time to t0ake a break.

He prioritizes them, you are his adult escape time, where he gets to play at being a grown up. If you also begin going along with the silly demands, there are no grown ups left. It is time to adult.

What would a reasonable person do?

Ask yourself this question every time when dealing with childish demands. They wouldn't do tit for tat. They wouldn't throw a tantrum.

A reasonable person would explain, that as an adult, they expect a reasonable degree of autonomy and self determination. They do not believe that adult children, without strong foundation, are entitled to dictate the lives of their parents.

In the absence of specific, diagnosed special needs, a man who enables this situation to continue, is not a man who you wish to commit to.

Take a 4 week break. No texts, no visits nothing. In this time he is to look at where he sees himself in 5, 10, 20 years. You do the same.

Then get back in touch and discuss as adults.

Get your adult on.

This relationship is doomed and you are a fool if you think otherwise.
What would you say to a friend in your shoes?

@Aquamarine1029

I meant it as an example to him of how unreasonable this whole thing is. And how if I made similar unreasonable demands he wouldn't stand for it. Perhaps it would open his eyes a bit.

You are not petty - they are hideous.

He needs to put his foot down.

You need to decide what you are willing to do if he wont.

How can you fancy let alone love someone so…. Wet

YANBU one bit!!

Are you sure they aren’t 13 and 14? Because that’s how they are behaving. And they are being allowed to behave that way too. Your partner is enabling the behaviour by going along with it.

Ok, so they don’t want to meet or spend time with you - fine, I could cope with that. It’s not nice but not the end of the world. I’m not sure I would want to spend time with them anyway. They sound awful.

The biggest issue for me is that they dictate where you spend time - you aren’t allowed to go to certain bars or restaurants?! Can’t post on social media?! These are the areas I would be HUGE issues with. They are within their rights not to spend time with you (although 🙄) but they have absolutely no right to dictate where you spend your time and what you post on your own social media pages. I am shocked that you and your partner have gone along with this at all never mind for 4 years.

Book a table in one of the banned restaurants, after your meal head to one of the banned pubs for a few drinks and along the way take a few selfies and tag each other on Facebook Stick your fingers right up at these disrespectful idiots!

Sorry OP but you have also gone along with this too. What you are suggesting is not putting your foot down. It’s not even scratching at the surface.

Personally I would walk away, but if you really don’t want to them you need to have a serious chat with your partner and make SIGNIFICANT changes, not the ones you suggested.

Those men are the products of horrific parenting

And given what you have described from their mother and father - I’m horrified by their behaviour but not surprised

Jesus, you’ve got three grown men treating you like shit. And your solution is to mirror that behaviour? And your young children are growing up around this?

Get rid of this man. If not for you, then your children. Healthy relationships are not like this. At all.

Your resolution to start doing what they do and banning this, that and the other is fucking crazy. It makes you all sound utterly insane tbh.

This behaviour would give me the ick

@LagneyandCasey

I can't get over their ages. Yes it's like you're describing a pair of petulant teens. You've been in a relationship for 4 years and they won't even see you. That's really hard to deal with. I can't see it changing unless dp grows a backbone and stands up for you. I wouldn't play silly games but would be thinking seriously about the future. Ask dh what happens when they get partners and have childen and you're not invited to family gatherings? Will he still go or will he make a stand and put you first?

This shouldn't make a difference. They should be told. Given one chance to be a grown up plus once chance to your boyfriend to stand with you then if not I'd leave.

But then I think it'll cause problems for DP
But then I think he needs to grow a pair and stop pandering
But then I think would I just be going out of spite? Am I stooping to their level
Its all confusing

The reason it's confusing is because you're in a situation that's pissing you off, and you're considering doing things that are tit-for-tat game playing rather than actually dealing with the issue, so any of the things you consider will seem petty.

Tell him how you feel, what your boundaries are, and what you will do if he doesn't respect them. Currently, you don't respect your own boundaries, so he's not going to either. Which, in itself, is a reason to leave him.

[quote toohotoday]@Aquamarine1029

I meant it as an example to him of how unreasonable this whole thing is. And how if I made similar unreasonable demands he wouldn't stand for it. Perhaps it would open his eyes a bit.[/quote]
If you have to resort to petty game playing then it really is time to call it a day. Just end it. He's never going to stand up to his horrible dc so this behaviour will continue for as long as you are foolish to continue seeing him. Just be glad you have your own home and have no ties to him - makes it much easier to tell him you have finally seen the light and are dumping him.

@toohotoday

Why can't you go to certain pubs etc?

Because they might go to them or their mother might.

which again, don't undertsand the issue. My ex partner had been married before and me and his exW had no issues with each other at all. because, why would we? Also DC involved (his) so it made sense everyone just got on, like normal adults. I don't understand this whole thinking.

Leave now and go to all the places you are currently banned from with your head held high.

Book a table in one of the banned restaurants, after your meal head to one of the banned pubs for a few drinks and along the way take a few selfies and tag each other on Facebook Stick your fingers right up at these disrespectful idiots!

Sorry OP but you have also gone along with this too.

Thats exactly what I want to do!

And yes I have gone along with it, because I thought it would change. I thought, ok they are having a hard time adjusting, lets give them some time and when this relationship progresses they'll realise. Then ok, They are still having a hard time adjusting and DP is clearly having a hard time disrupting what I can now see if a tentative relationship with them. However, now, after 4 years, I just think they are twats.
Not a healthy opinion of your partners DC I know.
And like I said, I'm now losing respect for DP because he STILL hasn't dealt with it and looks like has no intention too. He did say early on he would deal with it, lets just give them some time.
I've run out of patience.

I would also suggest going to a banned pub and sending them a photo text saying 'having a lovely meal in the Cross Keys', if your OH refuses you'll know what a wimp he is.